grief

from a review of Phibby's poetry . . .

Your loss must have exploded from your heart.

I heard  that small, still voice of longing

as the ash settled from the sky --

melancholy floated over the hills on the wind.

I tried to catch it in a mayonnaise jar
like those lightning bugs when we were little--

But, I never thought
and it turns out that the holes in the lid were too large anyway.

 

I was sorry to see your grief set loose

to lose a thing and then lose the sadness--

to be doubly bereft.

I expected the feeling to have floated

halfway across the country by now . . .

and yet, here it still is

draped around your shoulders like a delicate shawl

as if to keep you cold on lonely nights.

 

Reviews

[Sel Whiteley]

Wow...
This was so emotive, you able to capture the image of someone grieving, someone who is beyond childhood, beyond even any joyful moments at all. My favourite lines are, that's an image brilliantly caught.

I heard your voice of longing as the ash
settled from the sky --
the melancholy floated over the hills on the wind.

For me, and this only a personal opinion, that third stanza emphasises the loss of childhood innocence and the loss of person themselves, and I think, while it is not perhaps quite so imagistic, it gives context and becomes imagistic because of the echoes it has of the previous stanza.

[Audrey Howitt]

A beautiful, beautiful write--so full of empathy and just wonderful word choice. I loved this piece!

[FJ Davis]

Profound insight and a caring heart create loving empathy.
Your friendship revealed to be a precious refuge.

[TL Boehm]

This is eloquent - in that simple voice of yours that is laced with brilliance and beauty. Your writing is perhaps the most approachable poetry on the Cafe. Like a warm campfire - sparking against the night sky.

[Chris]

I came and listened... then listened again ...and again.

[Wondering Mind]

Such rich metaphor in this, my friend..and though the topic is "grief," but this is beautiful poetry.

[h d e rushin]

your poetry excites me. I will take the imagery here with me all day...thanks
for sharing...hder.

[Whiskurz]

A beautiful write my friend.....Enjoyed......Whisk

[...]

. this is just so beautifully felt, written and received ... overwhelming ...

[Fairy Tales]

you must be a pro at poetry. I love your poem.

[theludus]

Usually you either know or you don't. So i think this could use some small touches, and generally those small touches make all the difference don't they?

Your loss must have exploded from your heart.

I heard that small, still voice of longing as the

ash settled from the sky --

melancholy floated over the hills on the wind.

Just with the eruption deal i thought maybe you might append 'cloaking' to wind


I tried to catch it in a mayonnaise jar
like those lightning bugs when we were little--

But, I never thought
and it turns out that the holes in the lid were too large anyway.

I'm iffy about this section,only because fireflies are often written about, and although it's symbolic, still
I think the first section here is better if you go toward describing what 'it' is. Hard toexplain but I think something like this might get it done...

With all the naivety of a child
i tried to...

I think that works better because it describes the condition, and if the narrator shows a heightened understanding then this offers light and shade, and speaks of the time that must have passed between what was immediate and...



I was sorry to see your grief set loose

from my childish jar

sorry/childish jar///esp with the repeat of jar.... this seems imprecise and lacking in flair in comparison to other parts.

to lose a thing and then lose the sadness--

fine line.

to be doubly bereft.

fine line.

I expected the feeling to have floated

possibly use emoted floated

halfway across the country by now . . .

and, yet, there it still is

still is is somewhat clunky imo, remains flows smoothly into the next line.

draped around your shoulders

as if to keep you chilly on warm nights.

See, that unexpected twist at the end is golden. light and shade.