Childhood

Lotus Eaters Group exercise #9 Poetic Gems

I remember black summer nights
lit by yellow moons
when dew-soaked grass on bare feet
did little to cool the world.
Playing hide and seek among
sweet smells of dirt and growth--
running out of breath and panting
through cornfields twice as tall as us.
I remember stars just out of reach
glowing like the sporadic fireflies
that we caught in coffee cans--
holes punched in plastic lids.
Giggling "tag, you're it"'s and
sing-song "ghosts in the graveyard",
I remember the sounds of joyful abandon
that come from the naive fearless.
Sweet watermelon sprinkled with salt,
I remember juice dripping
down brown arms and legs making
streaks of mud with the dirt we wore.
 

Reviews

[Toni Prehoda Kahler]

This piece dances around in my mind and makes me remember. I love the action, and how you take the reader right into being a child by your evoking "sweet smells of dirt and growth", and "cornfields twice as tall as us". The watermelon scene is by far my favorite, I feel as if I am in my own backyard, that the sweet juice is dripping down my own arms and legs "making streaks of mud with the dirt we wore."

Your use of simple language holds the child image in place. Occasionally you switch out and get abstract, like the word "growth" right after such specific descriptive words in line 6. Perhaps keep me focused by using another sensory word there? What growth? Was it roots? Or deep green mosses? I want to know....
Also the use of "naive fearless" is more telling than showing, and I just want to stay in those awesome specific moments you have created for me! Can you show me naive? Can you show me "fearless"? I am only asking because I appreciate this piece so much, and those were a couple places where I was jarred back into being adult....

I loved the watermelon scene at the end. It is so strong that I don't think you need the summary sentence at the very end. I wonder if you might start with that sentence? It would help me with the many scene changes, would pull it together for me at the start. I am meddling, I know.....I enjoyed this piece, and sat for awhile, remembering....thank you for that journey!

[J. James Reider]

I remember all of these things... with your help... lol... what a great job you have done on catching some of the subtleties of childhood! the level of flow that you achieved without the use of rhyme is fantastic! I always find that difficult myself... I also adore how you kept it as one solid stanza... great work!

[Raef C. Boylan]

I like how the last line reads almost like a first line,
like we can alley-oop and go again
lather...rinse...repeat
haha
sorry, back to poem

"I remember stars just out of reach
glowing like the sporadic fireflies
that we caught in coffee cans--
holes punched in plastic lids." - I love this; the fragmented style is perfect, and the images are really appealing.

the innocence and wonder and fun
spoken of this is wonderful
and invokes nostalgia
i think it will in anyone
because i've lived in a city all my life
but there's always a field somewhere
and wherever you live, there's mud
wh00p

overall, a really pleasant read
and a skilful piece of writing

thanks for posting this

p.s.
"streaks of mud with the dirt we wore" [could "with" be 'through', or did you decide against that? i think it might read better but a not sure]

[Rod Zinkel]

Poetry doesn't have to be difficult, as Ted Kooser has written and I agree. Just remembering is enjoyable. You've tagged my experience. Being a guy, I'd add the sound of spitting watermelon seeds for distance.

[Barbara Walker]

Excellent imagery here! I could hear it, see it, taste it, what more could you ask for? Great flow and tone to this, also! Thank you for sharing! Barbara

[Cdnsurfer]

Em, your poetry is getting better and better. I haven't been by in awhile to read, and now, I look at this and go, "Wow". What's happening in your selection of strong, active verbs and interesting, but not overpowering, adjectives is getting way, way better. It makes your images "pop". You also take us through a sensory journey, exposing us to the scents and tastes, the feel and sights, and the sounds. Beautiful reminiscence. Cheers! Rob

[Dezaraye]

This is such a beautiful piece of writing. I love the nostalgia and the memories that you've captured here. Childhood is a magical time and it makes me sad that children nowadays don't have what I did when I was a little girl. I hope my children will have treasured memories, too.

[W.k.kortas]

Not only is this well-constructed and finely executed, but the emotions and images are spot-on. The last four lines are wonderful, practically perfect. Top-drawer stuff.