One

Let it be known that there is just one me,

And at no point from my death on out,

Will I once more get to be

Who I am now with no doubt.

That scares me a bit to think of�"

That death is the end of all that I will get to do,

It will be the end of all that I have,

And the end of all things new.

So, in my life, I want to leave proof that I was�"

Proof that I got to live, that I got to be.

Is that a good cause?

It seems like it to me.

But why should I be kept in mind?

Why should I be the one to leave proof that I got to be?

There is no cause that I can point at or find,

But I think that’s the key.

No one else got to be me.

No one else can make proof of what I have done.

But some soul down the line might care how life was for me.

To tell them though, I have to be the one.

Now how many sounds did I use per word?

Author's Note

Please let me know your thoughts!

Reviews

[JayG]

• Let it be known that there is just one me,

Which means you're just like everyone else. Not what you meant, of course, but it is what you told the reader — from THEIR viewpoint.

My point? Because this is you talking about what matters to you, so, it has limited interest for the reader. But because it IS meaningful to you, it works perfectly...for you, and you'll not see that. And, since we'll not address what we don't see as a problem, I thought you might want to know.

The thing is, people come to poetry as an entertainment. So, any poem should hold the reader's interest, start to finish. So instead of talking ABOUT your life, make the reader live it.

Remember, in this, you're talking about the effect of a lifetime of events, without making the reader know the cause of that reaction. So instead, invite the reader in. Make THEM feel and care. As E. L. Doctorow puts it: “Good writing is supposed to evoke sensation in the reader. Not the fact that it’s raining, but the feeling of being rained upon.”

That aside, I strongly recommend that you take a look at the excerpt to Stephen Fry's, The Ode Less Traveled, on Amazon. What he has to say about the flow of language, and prosody (which you're not taking into account) is amazing. Though, you might want to also look at Mary Oliver's, Rules for the Dance, which is a warmer read, as an intro to things metrically poetic.

And for non-metrical poetry, her, A Poetry Handbook is a gem, and filled with surprising insight.
https://www.docdroid.net/7iE8fIJ/a-poetry-handbook-pdfdrivecom-pdf

So...I know this is really far from what you were hoping to hear, but, as I've already said, I thought you might want to know, especially as it's not a matter of talent, or how well you write, and, is fixable.

So jump in. And as you do, hang in there, and keep on writing.

Jay Greenstein
Articles: https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/the-grumpy-old-writing-coach/
Videos: https://www.youtube.com/@jaygreenstein3334

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“It ain’t what you don’t know that gets you into trouble. It’s what you know for sure that just ain’t so.”
~ Mark Twain