The Undying Scene

The day started with no clouds

Just the blue, blue sky

And yet there's nothing I can think

To make myself feel alive

I opened my eyes and saw the plains

The green grass of the hill

And the tree dancing with the wind

And I, sitting alone under the shade

I stared at the undying scene

A small province in front of the hill

It wasn't beautiful I thought

It wasn't beautiful, it wasn't ugly either

I begged for my eyes to close again

This calmness, it kills me inside

I didn't want to see

That undying scene anymore

I wanted to lie down

Rest my head against the tree

Close my eyes and

Dream of nothing but death

But I couldn't do such

For my thoughts were blocked

By things that were so simple,

I made them into confusion

I lied down in front of the big oak tree

And I saw the green leaves above

And then my heart felt a pinch

A pinch that made me scream softly

Under the clear blue sky

I wanted it to be gray

I wanted it to rain hard

And let my world crash before me

I knew from that moment

I was really breaking down

Even after the wisdom I received

I wanted this scene to disappear

This undying scene,

A scene from my own hell

When I looked up again,

I saw a leaf fall from the tree

And that leaf will fly away with the gusty wind

Author's Note

....

Reviews

[Legendary]

Oh, this is indeed a good poem. It really feels like you are in the midst of pain and that, you can't find optimism anywhere even when you are in such a calm, peaceful scene. It's just simply mystifying. This is another good job from a young writer like you. Good job, little girl.


-General

[Nicolo Marcelo]

I can sense that you are expressing your feelings through this poem you wrote. Such cleverness I see through the relation between one's emotion and one's intellect. You indeed painted your emotions through this poem, such a great young writer you are! ^_^

[Stephen Scaggs]

Dear Writer,

I love the imagery in this poem and it leaves me thinking by the time that I end it, so that I have to reread it. That isn't a bad thing. A note about using capital letters is that capital letters often emphasize a point. Don't capitalize things that don't need it such as the first line in each line. The stanza work is good and it flows well. I like how the poem comes out and ends with a singular line. The message is entirely captivating. If you want me to proofread this poem and point out places where there is grammatical errors, I'd be happy to oblige. The length of the poem is quite long, so I'd try to add some music to set some muse. Particularly just instrumental music without words. That is entirely optional but may help the reader if you can find an appropriate song.

I see little else wrong with this and it could be shaped up to an award-winning poem. Just remember that as a writer, there will never be an end point where a writer stops growing. A writer must always keep that in mind and always excel to be higher than he/she was. It is my guess and confidence that you will excel. 9.7/10.

Sincerely,
S. W. Scaggs

[Coyote Poetry]

I felt the struggle to find peace and sanity in your words. Description and story was amazing. Your ending was cool. Left us thinking. A well written poem. I had to read it twice.
Coyote

[Joe]

I really like this. I know how it feels when everything seems wrong and the world is, seemingly, mocking you with a beautiful day. Great job! Keep it up!