Chapter 1 - Untitled

Chapter 1 - 11/22/08

 

 

 

Seraphina presses her cigarrette against her lips. She inhales it's toxins into her lungs as she slowly releases the smoke from it's black cage. The smoke creates swirls and curls in the air, dancing to the edge of her black umbrella where it's disappated by the rain. 

Dangling far below her feet the river that was calm and clear a few days ago was dark, dirty, and threatening. She takes another breath through her cigarrette as she hears the rhythmed splash of water seperating and stopping behind her. She turns her head to her left to narrowly see another girl, a couple years younger than her holding selfless eyes and a clear umbrella. Seraphina exhales the overdue smoke watching it dance as the girl makes her way over to the edge of the bridge where Seraphina sat. 

 

A sweet voice asks, "Why do you want to do it?" But all Seraphina does is look at her cigarrette and watch the smoke dance faster as the embers creep to the end of their short existence. 

The voice again, sweetly asks, "What's your name?" In her apathetic drawn out voice she says, "Seraphina."

The other voice unexpectidly excited exclaimes, "What a pretty name! Mine's Emiko!" But all Seraphina says is "I know." 

Persistently Emiko asks, "You haven't told me why-"

"I'm pregnant." Seraphina blurts out, eager to get this conversation over with. 

Shocked at the interruption and the sudden openness of Seraphina Emiko says, "Oh... Well there are options...." Nervous at the sudden tenseness of the conversation, Emiko starts playing with her long, light brown hair. 

Seraphina takes her last puff out of her cigarrette before extinguishing  the embers on the siding of the bridge she sat on. Suddenly, almost as if in a hurry Seraphina stands up and says, "There are no options for me." 

Emiko started feeling more tense as she felt that her efforts to convince Seraphina to live were going nowhere. Nonetheless she managed to calmly but forcefully say, "There's alwasy another option. You make your own decis-" 

"Do you believe in fate Emiko? This whole day, our meeting, my child, not to forget to mention all of our lives, were set before we, or the world existed. There was no way to avoid this even for someone like me." 

Shocked and confused Emiko says, "What do you mean someone like me?" Seraphina looks at the cloudy sky. She apathetically watches the rain fall from the sky and listens to the popping sound it made against her umbrella. Her choppy black bangs covered her eyes so Emiko couldn't read her or what she was about to say. Forcefully and calmly Seraphina said, "If I don't do this, someone else will die."

Emiko's sweet voice turned harsh while she said, "How could you know that?" Seraphina looks at Emiko, her bangs still covering her left eye. Her short black hair whimsically danced in the wind. Emiko notices Seraphinas determined and burning green eyes against her pale complexion and dark hair for the first time since talking to her.

With determined eyes Seraphina says, "I can see the future. If I don't die, then my child will grow up to kill yours. I couldn't stop the conception, and now I have no other option. I can't allow a great child like the one you will have be killed by mine." 

 

There is a moment of silence between them. Seraphinas burning green eyes and Emiko's pale blue eyes meet and lock in place, imprinting the picture of the others face and the feeling of the moment in their minds. As suddenly as the moment came on, Seraphina said, "Goodbye Emiko." and closed her umbrella before tossing it behind her. Before the umbrella even hit the ground, without hesitation and with all the determination in her body Seraphina jumped off the bridge into the willing waters below. 

 

Emiko was left standing on the bridge, alone with Seraphinas black umbrella. The sound of the metal handle against the hard stone woke her from her dazed disbelief at how quickly she was gone. She realized that she had spent only a few minutes talking to her and she was amazed at how much a conversation changed her.  Suddenly she felt much older.

Disbelief still crowded her thoughts as she listened to a truck pass behind her while still looking out towards the rushing river, hoping to see Seraphina float to the top along with her desire to live. In that moment Emiko thought, "Maybe she could read the future...." 

 

Author's Note

Honest reviews and suggestions for a title please. Next chapter expected to be out 11/28/08 for those that want to keep reading.

Reviews

[Olivia Long]

It's past 11/28/08, I feel lied to. I really wanted to keep going because you see one girl and then you see the other but its not until the very end until you're forced to compair the two. One has a young and sweet attitude about the world and the other is a mystery who is trying to end her life, the mystery somehow destroys the others youth. Alot of times on this site I end up writing reveiws I myself don't even belive, whether it's because they're my good friend or because I want to be nice,I put nice thoughts in my head and type the lies even though I know they're not true. I'm glad to have found one piece of good work where I'm not crossing my fingers as I type about how good it was.
The plot is something different, it's about suicide yet not as despressing as other stories about suicide are, it makes you think. Iwant to read more because you want to know about that little girl and what happens to her after she sees what she sees, I don't know why but I kinda want to make sure she ends up okay.
Olivia

P.S about the name, what about 'Changing the Future'? just a suggestion

[Guardian]

I like the concept and the plot, but I have a few suggestions. First of all, you started out in the first sentence writing in past tense but the rest was then written in present tense. It's a pretty easy fix, just change "pressed" to presses. I think it reads pretty well but I'd like to see you format it so that paragraphs are clearly marked, especially with dialogue. It makes it easier to follow. I like your descriptions and the imagery. I was a little confused in the beginning when Seraphina is first hearing the voice. I wasn't really sure what was going on or where they were. I think there are some spots where it's a little wordy and could be reworked to make it flow a little more. For example: "It was only a couple seconds but it felt like forever while Emiko thought about everything that happened in only a couple of minutes. She suddenly felt much older" This is just a little bit awkward to read. Anyway, I hope you don't think I'm trying to be mean. I just wanted to give a few pointers. Just read through it, proof read for grammar, and read it out loud to make sure if flows well. I think the plot and the concept is really good and I love the cliffhanger ending! You have me intrigued. Keep on working!

[darkgurl]

I think it read well the way it is, I like this it' svery desriptive and follwed through well. I usally don't read storys cause of my eye sight, All the words run together when I read, This is very well written. Like this..........Kim