Neither Here, Nor There

 ***Be Advised*** This chapter is meant to be in italics and will remain in italics. When demonstrating thought in literature it's appropriate to write in italics and this chapter, in its entirety, is one consecutive thought. With that in mind...enjoy. 

Neither Here, Nor There - Faulted

By Emberlyn Ealise 

            I remember the day you died as though it were yesterday rather than months ago. It is ingrained in my mind in vision of fire and brimstone that is less of a memory and more of my own death sentence. Though I walk the Earth still, I died along with you.

            For having skipped school I awoke fairly early that morning. The uncharacteristically bright sun rose to just the right height at roughly a quarter to seven when it began to reflect in my vanity mirror. The light would have been bearable had I merely covered my head with the blanket but then I would have suffocated from the heat. It was a losing battle that forced me from my bed.

            Had I known then the regrets that plague at me now, I would have worn green. For some reason that you never bother to tell me, you preferred when I wore dark green. You would drive me insane staring into my eyes talking about how stunning they were to the point where I’d taken everything in my wardrobe that resembled that shade and placed it in the very back, out of sight and out of mind. I would have made an exception that day.

            My hair would have framed my face before it fell past my shoulders in honey blonde tresses. For once, I wouldn’t even have slapped your hand away when you tried to twirl it around you finger. Secretly, I've always loved it despite the fact that it looked wild when you were done. Secretly, I think you already knew that.

            I would have worn a bit of mascara, dabbed on lip gloss even. If nothing else I would have at least brushed my teeth.

            Unfortunately for the both of us, that didn’t happen. When you called to tell me that you were on your way to the school I was lying on my couch taking a late nap with my right hand buried inside a bowl of popcorn. I’m sorry that I lied about school letting out early. I couldn’t sit through another lecture about how I wouldn’t be able to join you in college if I didn’t start taking my studies seriously. You always put school first, Aaron, and what did that get you?

            Anger is a useless emotion but it’s all that I have left. You took everything from me when you left. You took your brother who was the only one who could make me laugh when I was sad. You took your sister who I thought of as my own. You took my partner in crime though in my grief it was probably for the best. You took my best friend when I needed her most.

            You took my future.

            I have no one and nothing and for that I don’t forgive you.

            Sometimes I sit by myself and think about that day along with all the things I would change. I wouldn’t have stopped kissing you on my doorstep no matter how many times Ronnie laid on the horn. I would have kept my mouth shut about your sweaty hand holding mine as you tried to shift gears. I’d like to think that I would have been honest when you asked me where Ronnie ran off to at the party but I think that would have just made things worse. You wouldn’t have understood.

            We should have never gone to that party. Sure, it was a rite of passage for all the seniors leaving for college but you and I had never been the type to follow the masses. You wanted to stay in, I wanted to go out. Why didn’t you just tell me ‘no’?

            The memories I have from the party are mostly vague. Sadie had been overly emotional about everyone leaving, crying as soon as she saw me though I was one of the few not going anywhere. Ronnie and her boyfriend found out that she was a ‘three beer drunk’. As protective of her as you were it surprised me that you never noticed and even went so far as to tell her secret boyfriend to keep her away from other guys. I think the lapse in judgment had something to do with my being tipsy.

            I recall being alone with you in Jason Pruitt’s room. Hormones were high making our brains practically dysfunctional. It’s the only excuse I can think of for why we thought losing our virginities in a stranger’s bed was a good idea. Luckily, we didn’t get that far.

            I have nightmares starring Sadie, her black shadow standing in the doorway and your body disappearing from my side. She’d fought with Dax who then got drunk and acted like a jerk. I didn’t want you to go but I kept my mouth shut because he was your brother. You were responsible for each other.

            You promised you’d be right back, that you’d drive him home and we start were we left off when you returned. How was I supposed to know it was a lie?

            When you left I didn’t kiss you good-bye. I was being a brat and sulking about being left behind because of Dax’s stupidity though it’s now my own stupidity that I regret most.

            Half an hour later I was slowly becoming more annoyed that you hadn’t made it back yet.

            An hour later I was drinking my fourth bottle since you left and complaining to Sadie.

            Two hours later and fear began to sober me. Sadie assured me that you probably got caught sneaking Dax in the house and I went along with it though I knew that if that were the case Ronnie would have received a panicked phone call from you parents by then.

            We made arrangements with Hunter for him to drive Ronnie and me to your house while Sadie followed in Dax’s truck. The plan was for her to drop the truck there and walk with me to my house to spend the night. She was in desperate need of ‘girl talk’ and I was already feeling lonely about her leaving with you and Dax at the end of the summer. I needed that time with her.

            Once situated, we took off. Ronnie sat in the front next to Hunter with me in the back resting my head against the window. I was exhausted as the alcohol sloshed in my stomach so I tried to concentrate on the radio to stay awake with my eyes closed. The next thing I recall was flickering lights behind my lids.

            The car jolted to a stop and I opened my eyes as I heard Ronnie start screaming. Her door flew open and I lifted my head in the direction of the lights unsure of what I was seeing at first.

            There were a couple of police cars, a fire truck, and an ambulance. There was a bent guard rail on the small bridge that went over Cole Creek. I could see the black underbelly of a red car.

            The world stopped spinning.

            I remember running from the car toward you paying no mind to the scene of Hunter restraining Ronnie. The yellow tape was already out but I ducked under it without anyone even noticing, distracted by the scene your sister caused I’m sure. I screamed your name as I skidded through the glass on my knees to the driver side door where I attempted to get it open. It wouldn’t budge and my tears began to blur my vision.

            I screamed for you again as I crawled halfway through the broken window trying to get to your seat belt clasp thinking that if I undid it you could crawl out. I tugged and tugged until hands grabbed me from behind.

            Kicking and thrashing I tried to get back to your lifeless body as it stared ahead so sure they you only needed to be let out but the officer refused to let me go. He carried me back in the direction of Ronnie who I could see sobbing into Hunters chest. That was until she saw me.

            “You!” she screamed with hatred and venom. Shock flashed in Hunters eyes as he barely kept hands on her when she went for me. “You did this to him! You let him go! You let him die! You killed them!” Hunter’s look changed to one of pity.

            I went limp with disbelief as she accused me of what I felt in my heart was true. I never even tried to stop you from driving. I may as well have killed you myself.

            The officer holding me suddenly thought better of returning me to Hunter’s car and instead placed me in the back of his cruiser where I could not easily escape though the fight inside me had dissipated. He said something to Hunter who nodded and began pulling Ronnie back to his car while she was still screaming curses at me. I watched, hating myself, until her anger was directed elsewhere.

            I didn’t hear what she said and Sadie’s blank expression never changed as she stood on the opposite side of Dax’s truck watching the scene but I assume it was the same thing. It was Sadie’s fault too.

            Sadie stood there after Hunter drove away having had the officer who restrained me help him force Ronnie into the car. She stood there after the man got leave from his superior to take me home. I hear she stood there until they forced her to go home.

            The night haunts me like no other and I relived it every day this summer without fail. Sadie made it easier for a while but eventually she left for school. Ronnie never forgave me and I can only assume that Hunter has taken her side. I feel the loss of you and Dax the most. But with all of that being said, with all of these things I know to be true, why did I see you today when I drove past the school?

Author's Note

This is the preface of my latest work. If you would like to read the rest you can find it on my website.

Reviews

[CT]

Very good. Very good. I applaud your style and composition. You convey the emotions of the narrator very well, caught between sadness and self-pity. The story has a very nice flow to it, and you have a good and distinct voice for this type of writing. I really liked this piece. Keep writin'- Christian Thompson, Lord of Absolutely Nothing

[Pam Nyburg]

Excellent work. You really nailed the turmoil between grief and guilt and brought tears to my eyes. I'll definitely be checking out your website for more.

[Kat Ward]

I will go visit your website and continue reading your work. I enjoyed this preface. Especially the paragraph starting "Had I known then the regrets that plague me now..." That's a good paragraph, as well as the next.

I like the way you phrase certain things, very visual and even auditory as in "For once, I wouldn't have slapped your hand away when you tried to twirl it around your finger." And, a bit of your humor in the midst of tragedy ("...if nothing else, I would have brushed my teeth").

And I enjoyed the whole paragraph that starts with "Sometimes, I think about that day..."

I think you've achieved the mental and emotional headset of a teenager in the mix of offbeat, maybe even, inappropriate humor, self-absorption and melodrama.

There are a few typos, as in "You promised you'd be right back, that you'd drive him home and we start where we left off when you returned."

And, I'm a little confused with who is Ronnie and Hunter? Just friends? Boyfriend/girlfriend? Was Sadie Dax's girl? Maybe a few too many names for my old brain, so I got them mixed up in the first reading...

I like the way you create what I call "word pictures," combining words in interesting ways that takes something and creates it anew.

Many, many thanks for sharing.

Kat