Her Laugh

Her laugh,

Almost gone.

I want her photograph,

But she's to torn.

Her laugh,

slowly coming back.

Can i take lot's of photographs?

I want a whole pack.

Her laugh,

Fully back.

I got her photograph,

I got more than a whole pack.

I have her to be mine. 

Author's Note

Hey guys this poem sucks but having trouble and would love some suggestions.

Reviews

[emipoemi]

All this needs is a polishing of the musicality. Stanza 2 goes a little overboard in its word/syllable count that the musicality cannot bridge over fluidly; and the last line in Stanza 3 as well......even though the "whole pack" is forming a cute repetition for the last line in Stanza 2, the musicality cannot flow with it. But frankly, if you form a triad with the very last line ("I have her to be mine") by beginning the line with "I got" (and not "I have"), it would actually compensate for the loss of "a whole pack" repetition. But yeah, that, and musicality tweaks on Stanza 3 (last line) and Stanza 2 (lines 2 and 3), and this would be an utter gem. Well done!

[ROXANE DORSEY]

Just go with the flow. write and critique as you wait to think your best, you're the poet. thanks for sharing.

[Em]

Thanks so much Roxane.