Handshaking Should be Outlawed

A barbaric custom that we should discontinue.

Handshaking Should Be Outlawed

 

By Elton Camp

 

 

            At such time, if any, that I become ruler, my first act will be to ban handshaking and decree severe penalties for those who violate my order. 

 

            I’m not sure anybody knows how such a disgusting practice got started.  Many think it commenced during the medieval period when strangers extended hands to show that they weren’t armed.  That seems rather ineffective to me.  About all it could show was that neither man had a weapon in his hand at that particular moment.  A direct attack on one’s opponent at first meeting would be risky anyway.  A safer approach would be to shake hands and wait for a lapse in alertness to present the opportunity to strike him down. 

 

            A better explanation for its popularity in the United States has been offered.  Those who think they know tell us that the European custom of bowing in greeting was followed by George and Martha Washington and then continued by John and Abigail Adams.  The United States was a new player on the world scene and it seemed best to them to show the dignity that should be extended to the new nation and its leaders.  After Washington’s two terms and Adams’ one, Thomas Jefferson entered the “President’s Palace” as the White House was known in those days.  A hater of monarchy and its trappings, he ended bowing and used a handshake to show the American president was no king. 

 

            Some later presidents came to rue the precedent that he established.  It is said that Herbert Hoover didn’t like to shake hands and that he found his arm so tired after each annual White House reception that he couldn’t write for days.  The biographer Edmund Morris informs us that Theodore Roosevelt set a world record for shaking hands in 1907 with over 8,000 such greetings, but then retired to his quarters, disgusted to scrub himself. 

 

            To discourage unwelcome handshaking, Prince Charles clasps his hands behind his back when in a public setting.  Look for that the next time you see video of him in that situation.  Donald Trump leaves no doubt as to his feelings by saying, “I think the handshake is barbaric.  By shaking hands, you catch the flu, you catch this, you catch all sorts of things.” 

 

            To avoid it gracefully, even during a flu epidemic, is most difficult.  I can speak from personal experience.  Nothing works very well.  The straightforward, “I don’t shake hands during flu season” brings incredulous stares.  To ignore the extended hand has little hope of success since many will keep it sticking out, ignoring my obvious intention.  The most successful ploy so far is to carry a conspicuous object in each hand.  For the one clueless enough to extend his hand anyway, a nod will usually suffice.  I am considering, “Let’s just bow,” but can’t quite get up the nerve to try it. 

 

            In one extreme case, I resorted to a direct tactic that couldn’t possibly be misunderstood.  A man of my acquaintance make a point of shaking hands with every man, woman, and child in meetings that we both attend.  To make matters worse, he is one of the guys who often puts his hand on the shoulder of his victim and administers repeated pats along with an invasion of personal space while he spits and sputters while he talks.  Finding that nothing else worked, I finally said, “You are a one-man epidemic.  You force your hand on everybody around.  If anybody’s sick, you spread it to us all.”  I didn’t smile or do anything to lessen the awkwardness that followed.  But it worked and that’s what I wanted.  He had it coming. 

 

            So, am I some paranoid fanatic along the lines of Howard Hughes who lived for years in mortal fear of germs?  I think not.  From my days of teaching microbiology to prospective nurses, I recall that among the problems transmitted by handshaking may include streptococcus, the various cold viruses, influenza, itch from mites, ringworm, staphylococcus, hepatitis A, salmonellosis, shigellosis, giardiasis, enterovirus, campylobacteriosis, and even warts.  Some of these would required that one’s own fingers, contaminated by a handshake, be put into mouth or eyes, but that can all too easily happen.  When you shake a person’s hands who has one of those conditions, the germs are probably on your hands. 

 

            “Oh, but people keep their hands washed,” someone is likely to object.  Some do and some don’t.  I can’t attest to what people do in their private homes, but a lifetime of using public toilets has shown me that a good many are just liars.  In surveys where people are asked if they always wash their hands after using the toilet, almost all will claim that they do.  I beg to differ.  I see case after case where men use the facilities and then go straight out the door.  I pity the next person to which they extend their polluted paws.  Even those who do wash often do a superficial and entirely inadequate job.  A common rule is to wash hands for a long as it take to sing the alphabet song twice�"though I suggest singing it in one’s mind only.  Less than that and microbes may well still be present.   Even if it is done properly, to discard the paper towel and then touch the doorknob on the way out defeats its purpose.  I am beginning to see a few who retain the towel and use it to open the door, but that’s far from common.  If there is only an air dryer, that option is eliminated. 

 

            In addition to the possibility of disease transmission, another thing can make handshaking an ordeal.  That’s the occasional man who seems to regard it as a chance to demonstrate his strength.  Twice in recent months, I have had men squeeze my hand so hard that I nearly cried out in pain.  In the first case, my hand still hurt the next day.  In the other, I thought he was going to force me to my knees.  I cried out, “Don’t ever do that again.”  I don’t know what he thought and don’t particularly care.  I’ve been around him since and he must remember it since he hasn’t tried to force his hand on me again.  I will concede that I have some hand trouble and am more in danger than most, but morons like that should consider the possibility of arthritis or other problems. 

 

            All this having been said, do I still shake hands?  Occasionally I do, when to avoid it would almost certainly be construed as hostile or rude.  A small bottle of Purel fits nicely in my pants pocket and I use it as soon as the offender is out of sight. 

 

            When my elevation to ruler occurs and I can ban handshaking, I plan to double the sanctions suggested above for anyone whose proffered hand is wet.  Yuck!