There wasn't even time to say goodbye

Enveloped in fear and darkness, I trash about in the freezing water. My joints and muscles may be weak but my determination is strong. This is not how I’m going to go!

My blood tints the water surrounding me red. Pain blazes inside me like a fire but I ignore it. Adrenaline fills every vein in my body and I focus the little energy I have left in escaping the dark turmoil. And as cold air fills my oxygen-deprived lungs, sensations pertaining to all five senses strike me.

Everything suddenly feels so real and lively compared to the relative numbness I felt underwater. The sound of crashing waves plays in my ears and the freezing cold air entering my nostrils feels broth painful and fresh. The salty water burns the back of my throat with every swallow and every inch of my body feels like it’s being pierced with slivers of ice. My vision incorporated nothing but waves upon waves. I barely had time to enjoy the huge wave of relief of being above the surface that an even bigger wave of water pulls me back down.

A silent scream escapes my mouth. Useless. No one is going to hear me. Nothing new. I’m sobbing whilst I’m drowning. No one is around to save me. And it dawns on to me that this is not the first time I’ve been in such a situation. All of a sudden I realise that this is my ending. My final moments in a world where I’ve never been welcome.

And my life- or rather existence- flashes before my eyes. Going to school with the same clothes I had worn on day one. A schoolbag old enough to be vintage. The attempts at hiding bruises and cuts as a child. Looking back, various teachers’ sympathetic looks revealed the bad job I did at sheltering my reality from powerless bystanders, unable to help me: a lost cause on two feet. I think back to the corner under the stairs which had seen me hide in fear and misery way too often. My haven for safety. I remember the empty bottles of vodka, the contents of which would have fed both my addiction and my depression. And becoming a mirror version of the woman I hated most- my mother.

Suddenly, I realise that this could be my last chance to show Kate that I love her. My little daughter. Since birth I have always treated her as a product of foolish moments… a nuisance. Constantly ignored by the person who should love her the most, this is my time to show her that I do love her. Emotions of love and determination swell up inside me. For the first time, my life seems to have a purpose. All my life, I constantly assumed that I was not needed. I was useless. But now, it is clear that I am not. That a little child out there needs her mother. And I should know that best.

Thus I use all my frustration and rage to try to save myself. I can’t abandon her. I know all too well what that feels like. So I fight every particle of water above me. I desperately want to give up, but a little child’s destiny is depending on my willpower to hold on. So I swim up. Just a few inches left. My lungs scream for air. I am nearly there. The pain is unbearable but I can’t leave. Not without saying...

 

 

 

Author's Note

Feel free to criticize constructively :)

Reviews

[dan]

Elsa, This strikes me as the beginning of a transformation, in which you (your character) see the predicament you are in and make the connection to when you were young, with the alcoholism and abuse putting your development on abrupt hold. Your character remembers her daughter and compels her to fight for TWO lives, yours and hers. It's a great start and launching point for the story to be developed, and the technical parts of the write (spelling, punctuation and grammar) are flawless. So yeah, Elsa, please send me a friend request, I'll be happy to try to review more of your writes. You know this is how it works: should I review some of yours you are obliged to review some of mine. Good Luck! take care...dan