In The Dark

My feet slap the wet pavement, wandering in aimless circles, looking for that which cannot be found. My hair falls in wet strands across my forehead and the sides of my face. The jacket I wear no longer protects me from the cold. Water slides down my back, sending chills up my spine. My jeans cling to my legs, cold reminders of the weather I’ve walked through for the past few hours.

Streetlight pools around my feet, making the water on the pavement sparkle like something beautiful. But I see no beauty in it. I see the harsh reality of life in it, the cruel coldness of humanity. My cold feet splash the water away and carry me further up the street.

The heart is a strange thing, lonely one moment and full of life the next. It beats so fast it seems to be breaking free of its cage, and then it is so still you feel dead, but the breath still flows through you. It leaves you confused and misunderstood. What a terrible, angry thing to have to endure.

My heart now leads me down a path of loneliness so deep I feel drowned. My feet follow my heart, treading a directionless road that takes me nowhere. The city around me is dead, like my heart, but I can still feel the breath of the city in the occasional car that passes me, the occasional flickering sign in a shop window. Is this what my life would look like if it were a city?

A long sigh escapes me and I stop under the eaves of a liquor store, my eyes searching for some trace of color in the gray world around me. They give up not long after and fall down to the wet pavement beneath my feet. The water pools around my shoes, creating cesspits of memory. I step back out onto the street to escape those memories as the rain begins to fall faster.

It isn’t until I’ve wandered in too many circles to count that my eyes see it. I don’t know why I never saw it before. Perhaps because my heart was too busy avoiding the real world. But nevertheless it’s there and my eyes are now locked on it. The figure in the dark coat with the upturned collar standing in the doorway of the old diner. My heart compels my feet to move toward the figure even though my mind screams at me to run the other way. But since when has my heart ever listened to my mind?

My heart draws me onward until I’m passing the diner, and then I stop. The figure chuckles at me and I feel the heat rising in my cheeks.

“Are you lost?” the figure asks.

I shake my head dumbly.

The figure laughs at me and my heart beats in rage. “You look lost. You’ve been wandering in circles for the past two hours.”

My tongue finds words. “You’ve been watching me?”

The figure nods. “Yeah. I was getting concerned. It’s not every day that you see someone wandering the same few streets for two hours straight.”

My tongue speaks again. “You’ve been watching me the entire time?”

“Yes,” the figure replies. “Now are you sure you’re okay?”

I nod dumbly. “Yeah, I’m fine.”

“You’re sure.”
I sigh and my shoulders slump. “I guess not completely,” I hear myself admit. Stupid. You don’t even know this person. But what does that matter now?

The figure nods. “That’s what I thought. Do you want to come inside?”

My eyes travel up from the sidewalk to the figure. I start as I see the fresh face of a young female. Since when did a young woman stand out in the rain and watch someone wander around for two hours? It just wasn’t natural, not to mention dangerous. Who knows what creeps are wandering around?

“Inside where?” I find myself saying. Why am I doing this?
The female head jerks towards the store behind her. “In here.”

“Do you own the place?” I ask her.

She shakes her head. “No, my uncle does. Come on.”

My heart once again compels me forward and I find myself following her inside the dimly lit diner. My shoes squelch across the floor and I immediately feel bad for getting water all over the place.

“Go ahead and have a seat,” she says. “I’ll bring you something warm to drink. You like coffee?”

I nod and lower myself onto one of the barstools. I sit alone in the gloom, my heartbeat nowhere near loud enough to hear, water dripping off me to collect in a pool beneath me. She appears again and hands me a white mug sloshing with a steaming brown liquid.

“I put some cream and sugar in it,” she says. “I hope you don’t mind.”

I shake my head and took a small sip. It isn’t hot and has a hint of hazelnut to it. I smile appreciatively. She smiles back at me and I begin to actually look at her. Her coat is gone and she’s wearing a plain white t-shirt and jeans. Her hair is red and curly, not an ugly red, but rather a soft red that shines slightly in the dim light.

I’m suddenly conscious of how I look. I must look like a wet dog to her. My short black hair is plastered to my head. Normally it’s sticking out in all different directions and looks soft. My black jacket is stuck to my gray t-shirt and my jeans look ten shades darker than they really are.

She laughs. “You’re blushing,” she says.

And she’s right. I’m suddenly aware of the heat creeping over my neck and cheeks. My eyes fall to my coffee. I don’t want to look at her; I don’t want her to see the look on my face. She laughs again.

“So do you mind telling me what you were doing wandering around out there?” she asks me.

I gulp down the coffee in my mouth and look up at her. She has this quirky little smile on her face and feel something inside me melt. Trying to seem nonchalant I shrug.

“Nothing really,” I say. “Just thinking.”

She looks at me as if she doesn’t believe me. “For two hours?”

I shrug again. “I have a lot to think about.”

She nods slowly but doesn’t ask about it again. For that I’m grateful. I don’t really feel like talking about it. We sit in silence and suddenly she asks, “Do you want to go somewhere?”

I almost choke on my coffee. Trying hard to keep it in my mouth I find myself nodding. “Sure,” I manage to get out after swallowing.

The smile that flowers on her face is both sly and excited. She grabs her coat and comes around to the other side of the counter. “Come on, let’s go before the night is over.”

I leave my coffee on the counter and follow her willingly back out into the night. The rain has slowed to a drizzle and our feet slap the pavement quietly. We’re silent as she leads me down the dim streets. Finally we stop in front of a crumbling building covered in graffiti.

“Let’s go inside,” she says and opens the door. A faint sound reaches my ear, a low throbbing sound that seems to pulse through my body. I follow her inside wondering just where it is she’s taking me. The hallway we walk down is dark, lit only by the light shining beneath the door at the other end. Suddenly the door is opened and I’m thrust into a world I had only ever dreamed of.

The room before me is a mass of swirling lights and pulsing beats. Large groups of bodies sway to the music, moving together in perfect symmetry. Smoke swirls around the room, curling insubstantially between the thumping bodies on the floor. Pulsing bass lines vibrate beneath my feet.

She looks back at me and smiles. “Come on,” she says. “It’s okay.”

I don’t think so but I follow her into the room. Immediately I find myself thrust into the crowd, forced to keep moving or else be trampled. Suddenly a hand grabs mine and she’s there, pulling me to safety. She pulls me to a bar and orders two drinks. I take mine and with one sip find myself warmed up. She smiles at me.

“Feeling better?” she asks.

I nod. “Yes, thank you.” I watch her take another swallow of her drink and feel the heat rising in my face. I tell myself it’s just the drink.

“You wanna dance?” she asks me suddenly.

I’m caught off guard and for a moment I just stare at her. Then I nod and say, “Sure.”

She grabs my hand and pulls me into the mass of bodies again. In an instant her body is moving parallel to mine. I go along with her and wonder just what I’m doing here. Her face is alight with joy and I can’t help but smile back. Suddenly she grabs me and twirls me around so that my back is to her. I feel her arms go around me and pull me in against her. She rests her chin on my shoulder; her warm breath tickles my neck. First I’m frozen, and then I give in to the feelings swirling around inside of me. I put my arms over hers and move with her, leaning my head against hers.

I’m suddenly aware of the life around me. I can feel the pulse of the music, of the people, of the whole place shoot through me. I’m aware of every feeling in the place and it makes my skin tingle. I’m awake to the life that has been around me for centuries. Never before have I felt so alive, so full of energy. It’s the most wonderful feeling in the world.

In the next instant I feel something warm on my neck and I realize it’s her lips. Electricity shoots down my spine as she kisses my neck. Her lips move to my ear and she whispers, “It’s ok to let go.”

I know what she means. She means it’s ok for me to let go of reality and slip away into the world around me. I nod slowly and she turns me around again to face her again. Her eyes are soft and inviting. I find myself falling into them. The beat picks up and we begin moving faster. I reach out and pull her closer to me to I can feel her moving against me. The air between us is hot, but neither of us notices. We just keep moving, our eyes locked on each other. My breath comes faster as her hands slide over her body.
Her hands suddenly leave her body and grab my hands. She pulls me out of the crowd again and into the shadows. The lights play on her face as she stares at me, her chest heaving, her lips slightly parted. It is those lips that pull me in and I find myself leaning in. She stands still, letting me come closer, and then suddenly she pulls me close in an embrace and whispers, “No, we can’t.”

“Why not?” I whisper back.

She pulls back and looks at me. She smiles and shakes her head. “You’re a beautiful creature,” she says. And then she’s gone, leaving me alone in the dark. The lights flash across my face, but I don’t see them. My eyes search in vain for her, but she’s lost to me. I know in my heart that I will never see her again. But I don’t feel regret or hurt. Instead, I feel invigorated, as if she’s instilled in me some new life.

Slowly but surely I make my way to the door we came in through. I shut it behind me, and in the process shut out the netherworld she’s shown me. I soon find myself back in the rain, my shoes slapping the wet pavement. There’s a new bounce in my step and I no longer see the world around me as gray and dreary. I see the color in the lights on the sidewalks and building fronts. I hear the music in the coming and going of vehicles mixed with the rain. A smile grows on my face and then freezes as I realize something.

 

I never knew her name.