Loves Me Not

I complicated our lives by falling in love with him, and now I’m losing my only friend. I still can’t figure out why I had to try living my life on the other side. I’m so scared and confused and now I don’t know what to do.

 

There’s a flower in the vase on the table that I’m sitting at. The only flower left from the bouquet she gave me only three days ago. When she found out about him, all of the flowers withered and died, except this one. I reach out and take it in my hand. One by one I pick the petals off. He loves me, he loves me not. She loves me, she loves me not. He loves me, he loves me not. She loves me.

 

There were lines in out relationship. Lines we didn’t cross, lines we didn’t blur. But I started blurring those lines ‘cause I just didn’t care anymore. I toed those lines over and over until I finally crossed them. And I didn’t think anything of it, ‘cause she was never there. But my actions have cost me oh so much. There’s nowhere to turn and no one to help. My life is crazy. So crazy in fact that sometimes it’s almost like I don’t even know myself. Now I have to choose between them and I don’t know what to do. I continue pulling the petals off the flower and reciting the age-old mantra. He loves me, he loves me not. She loves me, she loves me not. He loves me, he loves me not. She loves me.

 

The last petal is gone. I throw the naked stem on the table and stand up. It’s raining outside and I sand at the window watching the water come down. My heart aches; this is the same window we used to stand at, hand-in-hand, watching the world go by. Will we ever stand here together again? Or will it be with someone else?

 

I’ve become emotionally attached to him, and it breaks me to admit it to myself. Before I met him she was my whole world. I had just gotten comfortable and settled down in my relationship with her when I fell head over heels for him. Why? Why did he have to come along and blow my world away?

 

I turn away from the window and pour myself a glass of water. As I lean against the counter I gaze at the pictures on the refrigerator. There’s so many of she and I on all our excursions. I smile as I gaze at them. I’ll never forget all those days and nights we spent together. But that smile is wiped from my face as my eyes fall on the new picture. It’s him. I almost choke on my water and turn away.

 

Why does this have to be so hard? How is it possible for the human heart to love two people? And why, why oh why, are we put through the terrible, heart wrenching process of choosing only one of them. It’s impossible. I love her, but I’m tied to him. This makes no sense to me whatsoever. I can no longer untangle how I feel and what should matter most. Is it not enough to simply love? No, we can never only love one.

 

I throw my cup into the sink. I don’t blink as water splashes up onto my face. I feel cold and empty, yet so alive and filled with something I can’t explain. And it’s that something that tears me apart even now. God why me? It just doesn’t seem fair, having to go through this. No one should ever have to. I don’t see how the human heart can handle this, for right now I feels so close to death I’m almost surprised to be alive still.

I run a hand over my face and return to the table. I stand staring at the stem and pile of petals. Reaching out I pick up the stem and almost choke. My fingers tremble and I feel like dying. I am dying. The horrible truth is here before me. There is nothing left to live for, I realize now. Oh how cruel fate is. A tear slides down my cheek, for there is one petal remaining, so tiny and inconspicuous I never saw it. Crying my heart and soul out I tear that petal from its lodging and know that I shall never know love and happiness again. For with that last petal comes the horrible truth that kills me:

 

she loves me not.