Voices

 

Carefully she pulled her knees up to her chest, wrapped her arms so tightly around her legs that her arms started to ache. She didn't care; there was so much she didn't care about anymore. She found herself slowly rocking her body from side to side, no one else was there to comfort her and this was the best she could do. The constant empty feeling inside held, pulled her away from happiness gradually each day. Like a disease spreading through her covering her heart into the never-ending darkness now flowing through her veins. Her life not worth living, herself not worth loving.

Her life had fallen apart, she was on her own, she was all alone. All of the memories she had tried to forget, all of the voices she had wish she never heard. They all began to creep up on her, so slyly until it was too late to stop them.

The voices swarming her head, it was too much... too much for her to handle. Forever the only voices she could ever hear, the closest to friends that she had ever come to. The voices that she had created for herself so she wouldn't be lonely, they slowly mutated into monsters that only thrived off of her deepest fears. They knew everything and used it against her, visited her in her sleep, whenever she was alone...but she always felt alone. She couldn't hold the pressure in any longer, she couldn't.

Tears erupted out of her eyes as she screamed for everyone she had never lost, her claw like hands scrapped and ripped at her face again and again from desperation, leaving scars as reminders of the war she had been fighting her whole life. Her body was rocking back and forth steadily picking up speed as the voices anger grew and grew. The voices wouldn't stop, they wouldn't stop. She screamed at the top of her voice her hands grabbing at her hair, ferociously yanking it out of her head. Her almost bald head, that was once filled with bouncy brown hair... they had not only taken her beauty but her mind and soul... all of her emotions and thoughts now and will always rely on them because the voices just wouldn't stop, they wont stop; they swarm around her attacking from every angle again and again. 

She screamed a final time and all the voices suddenly disappeared, like birds in mid-air who had suddenly lost their wings. Some would think they were gone for the night but she knew, she knew them too well. Whimpering she curled herself into a ball tears still angrily crawling down her face, as she cried, she longed hopelessly for the voices to return. 

 

 

 

Author's Note

Opinions welcome...
thankyou

Reviews

[KAOlmsted]

Nice job building the tension, and I like the ironic ending. If I could offer one bit of advice, the crescendo, as it were, in the third paragraph is a bit frenzied...and believe me, I get that's where you're going...frenzy...but take me there in a less chaotic jumble of thoughts. To write a passage that shows a character maddening right before our very eyes is a balancing act...it takes precision and skill...you want to convey to the reader the character is going mad, but you want to do it in the most coherent way possible, as to demonstrate the author is fully about her wits ;-) If you go back over that paragraph and just step back and pick it apart, eliminate some of the run-on sentences, be careful with your tenses, and construct the thing with precision, I think you'll like the result.

The writing here is strong. Keep up the hard work!

-kimmer

[Talal Hussain]

What a wonderful write...great stuff :-)

[oh,hey.]

ahaha thankyou:)

[lee von cleef]

No Opinions needed, the anguish, sticky goo of reality pastes across my arm, shirt chin, fetal the future of some past gift, now in the planning of well my future....

[oh,hey.]

thankyou

[Moniba]

Oh. My. God. :(

[oh,hey.]

what?:(

[Moniba]

It's a great piece. Sad though...

[oh,hey.]

thankyouu, I thought something was wrong

[Moniba]

Oh no, it's beautifully penned.

[Jayden Ireton]

This was a great piece that had me wanting more from the first sentence on. It is detailed amazingly. Great job. The descriptions everything is just perfect.

[oh,hey.]

thankyou

[londenberg]

im not big on misspellings/grammer becuz-im misspelled & errored but I am big on the story. its interesting that she lacks control in the beginning & yet brings it back together again under her own power after screaming as if she's gathering up everything.

And yet I wonder what was the onset/cause of her break down-did she forget to take her medication, did she experience an event to cause this out-lash, or is she, what I like to think, In a cold mental hospital while detectives look thru a 2-way glass as one says to the other, "I'm afraid to say this, but she is our only witness to the crime." da-da-da-doom.

Anyhow, I liked it, sincerely from the writer of "LondenBerg by Lord Biron."

[oh,hey.]

thankyou, hahaaa

[Elizabeth Laughlin]

It hooked me from the beginning. Does the main character have schizophrenia, I wonder? Many victims of the disease claim to hear voices in their head, which is interesting considering my newest story features a schizophrenic teen. The way I described her compares a lot to how you described your character. Anyways, nice job, although there are some things I want to point out. You have some grammar issues, such as "scrapping" should be "scraping", and much of the beginning contains fragments. HOLD UP THOUGH. :) I recognize that this goes along with your style, the mood of this piece, and if you look at a lot of contemporary fiction, there is a lot of incomplete thoughts. I think you did an exceptional job portraying your character and keeping the reader interested. That's a big thing that I think a lot of writers struggle with. Besides the grammar issues that sort of threw my mind off guard, like the repetitive incomplete thoughts, well done.

[oh,hey.]

hey would you mind telling me the grammar issues so I can fix them, because it'll annoy me now! thankyouu

[Thom]

I thought this was a pretty engaging piece, though not perfect by any means. I'll start with the technicalities: the last two sentences are not full sentences. The last one can probably function according to "poetic grammar," what have you, but the second to last one needs a subject. I'm assuming that "closet" in the third paragraph is supposed to be "closest," also in that paragraph "thrived off of" should just be "thrived on". Not quite sure what you're trying to say in the last sentence of the penultimate paragraph, but "the wont stop" doesn't make sense.

Now, as for the content, it is quite clear that the protagonist is miserable, presumably because of loneliness, but some more detail as to what drove her to this intense depression would help. Has she severed ties with her family, does she not have a family for some reason? I understand that she is sad, but to really empathize with a character some context is necessary; the physical descriptions inspire pity, but no more. Hope this helps.

[oh,hey.]

It was meant to be 'they' I have changed the last sentence, I think it makes sense now though I'm not sure. This did really help a lot! thankyou

[Trigorin]

Not bad. Very descriptive, but the way you've done this has turned it into an unappealing blob of text - fix that first. Your concept and writing are good, but the formatting needs a little work.

[oh,hey.]

Thanks I've broken up the text now so hopefully its more inviting.

[Lina Grey]

...I wish you had a more engaging font...this is so blocky and expressionless. like what you'd use for an essay, not a story about a poor schizophrenic girl experiencing an episode...
I think you could have put the description together a little better. as it is there are individual bits but it doesn't really make a picture for me. also your voice seems a bit detached; I think you should focus a bit less on what exactly she is doing, and tie in how she's feeling, what she's thinking; build up the mood a bit so the reader understands her, and add some background information, of sorts. like Peace Keeper said, this leaves the reader wondering what is going on here. I think the ending is an interesting switch, from wanting them gone to waiting for their return, but I think you hurried into that a bit. there should be more to this.
There a lot of good parts to this; the way it sticks you right into the incident, the use of pronouns and singularity to emphasize the 'nobody girl' standpoint, the consistent referencing to 'the voices' and 'too much'. Don't get me wrong, it's a good start. I just think you need to add more to make it better.

[oh,hey.]

thank you this helped a lot!

[oh,hey.]

I've made some changes, adding more detail and changing the format... thanks for reviewing!