The man who stares at the stars

The man who stares at the stars

A Poem by oh,hey.
"

hey first piece of writing i have uploadeddd opinions please

"

A man and a woman,

fall in love for no reason,

but she’s taken,

never to be returned.

 

As she lay sifting,

she said slowing drifting,

that star,

that star will be me forever.

 

A man now heartbroken,

always awoken,

staring,

he stays staring at the stars.

 

A man just stays laying,

never decaying,

he’s the man,

the man who stares at the stars.

© 2013 oh,hey.


Author's Note

oh,hey.
review this please
and tell me what you think

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Reviews

Please change 'laying.' 'And 'decaying' doesn't work, I'm sorry to say. Also the rhythm would be better if you dropped 'at' in the last line. There's just a suggestion in this poem that your desire to rhyme is dictating what you say. (169 views - how do you do it?)

Posted 11 Years Ago


I think the same of all your poems; Interesting, Thought provoking, and the ease to which they flow...

Posted 11 Years Ago


oh,hey.

11 Years Ago

Thankyou!
Two corrections: 1. "never to been" last line of first stanza should read "never to be"
2. I think we lay bricks and eggs... A person lies down.
Now, the creativity and expression of thought is effective if not a bit over familiar in the medium of your metaphors. A fine write and worth the time to read it.

Posted 11 Years Ago


oh,hey.

11 Years Ago

thank you
Lovely and simple. :)

Posted 11 Years Ago


i like it mostly for its simplicity..and i do like that last line because of its sad tone

Posted 11 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

This is so beautiful, so cute but sad at the same time.

Posted 11 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

great title to a good poem in my humble opinion..I am a little uncomfortable with the rhyme using 'awoken' it seems a little forced....I would have altered that line

Posted 11 Years Ago


I like your poems ^^
This one was really cute
I felt like you could have put more behind the love between the man and woman (why was she taken?)

I really loved the ending though :D!
the last 2 stanzas capture my heart :3

Good write XD ★

Posted 11 Years Ago


oh,hey.

11 Years Ago

thank you, I didnt know how to put a stanza in about her being taken because nothing seemed to fit.
Diasha

11 Years Ago

I still really like it though ^^
oh,hey.

11 Years Ago

aw thankyou
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very nicely penned..very sad but it has some slow sad music through the lines and in the rhyming with very nice flow

Posted 11 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

The only thing I'd say is that the last line doesn't really flow. Content-wise it's fairly neutral but the last line needs one less syllable.

Posted 11 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.


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Stats

664 Views
16 Reviews
Rating
Added on March 6, 2013
Last Updated on April 14, 2013
Tags: man, stares, poem, help, review, firstpoem, newbe

Author

oh,hey.
oh,hey.

Cambs, Peterborough, United Kingdom



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