The man who stares at the stars
A Poem by
oh,hey.
hey first piece of writing i have uploadeddd
opinions please
A man and a woman,
fall in love for no reason,
but she’s taken,
never to be returned.
As she lay sifting,
she said slowing drifting,
that star,
that star will be me forever.
A man now heartbroken,
always awoken,
staring,
he stays staring at the stars.
A man just stays laying,
never decaying,
he’s the man,
the man who stares at the stars.
© 2013 oh,hey.
Author's Note
review this please
and tell me what you think
Reviews
Please change 'laying.' 'And 'decaying' doesn't work, I'm sorry to say. Also the rhythm would be better if you dropped 'at' in the last line. There's just a suggestion in this poem that your desire to rhyme is dictating what you say. (169 views - how do you do it?)
Posted 11 Years Ago
I think the same of all your poems; Interesting, Thought provoking, and the ease to which they flow...
Posted 11 Years Ago
I think the same of all your poems; Interesting, Thought provoking, and the ease to which they flow...
Two corrections: 1. "never to been" last line of first stanza should read "never to be"
2. I think we lay bricks and eggs... A person lies down.
Now, the creativity and expression of thought is effective if not a bit over familiar in the medium of your metaphors. A fine write and worth the time to read it.
Posted 11 Years Ago
Two corrections: 1. "never to been" last line of first stanza should read "never to be"
2. I think we lay bricks and eggs... A person lies down.
Now, the creativity and expression of thought is effective if not a bit over familiar in the medium of your metaphors. A fine write and worth the time to read it.
Lovely and simple. :)
Posted 11 Years Ago
Lovely and simple. :)
i like it mostly for its simplicity..and i do like that last line because of its sad tone
Posted 11 Years Ago
i like it mostly for its simplicity..and i do like that last line because of its sad tone
1 of 1 people found this review constructive.
This is so beautiful, so cute but sad at the same time.
Posted 11 Years Ago
This is so beautiful, so cute but sad at the same time.
1 of 1 people found this review constructive.
great title to a good poem in my humble opinion..I am a little uncomfortable with the rhyme using 'awoken' it seems a little forced....I would have altered that line
Posted 11 Years Ago
great title to a good poem in my humble opinion..I am a little uncomfortable with the rhyme using 'awoken' it seems a little forced....I would have altered that line
I like your poems ^^
This one was really cute
I felt like you could have put more behind the love between the man and woman (why was she taken?)
I really loved the ending though :D!
the last 2 stanzas capture my heart :3
Good write XD ★
Posted 11 Years Ago
I like your poems ^^
This one was really cute
I felt like you could have put more behind the love between the man and woman (why was she taken?)
I really loved the ending though :D!
the last 2 stanzas capture my heart :3
Good write XD ★
11 Years Ago
thank you, I didnt know how to put a stanza in about her being taken because nothing seemed to fit.
11 Years Ago
I still really like it though ^^
very nicely penned..very sad but it has some slow sad music through the lines and in the rhyming with very nice flow
Posted 11 Years Ago
very nicely penned..very sad but it has some slow sad music through the lines and in the rhyming with very nice flow
1 of 1 people found this review constructive.
The only thing I'd say is that the last line doesn't really flow. Content-wise it's fairly neutral but the last line needs one less syllable.
Posted 11 Years Ago
The only thing I'd say is that the last line doesn't really flow. Content-wise it's fairly neutral but the last line needs one less syllable.
1 of 1 people found this review constructive.
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oh,hey. Cambs, Peterborough, United Kingdom
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