Side Effects of Boredom

Saturday June 4: today, I drew , a lot. As you know I write quotes by my drawings, but today I didn't because somebody saw them. I drew a person with big, sad eyes. This person looked like she was in pain. It was kinda like a self portrait only it didn't look like me. Today I was thinking incredibly deep thoughts again, when my mom snapped me out of it. We were talking, and the gifted pace program at school came up. I told my mom, most of the kids in the program are brilliant, but some are different. They aren't brilliant, but they are deep. That's all I said, but this is what I thought. Most of them are brilliant, but some aren't. Some aren't unusually smart, but they are different from both the brilliant kids and the average ones, they are deep. Like me, I think deeply, but not about academics, I think so deeply that logic weaves it's way in somewhere, and it works. Also, pace revolves around using the humanities to show your knowledge. I understand why now. Each child, brilliant or deep has an amazing talent for something artistic. Every single child, including myself. Some of them don't know it yet, but those of us who are in pace who aren't as academically talented have just as incredible artistic abilities. I can dance, and I also have a knack for music. I have a newly found shocking ability to draw. My drawings are surprisingly realistic yet metaphorical. I can sing a little too. Those are my talents, but most,y dance and art. Other kids can act, sing beautifully, draw like picassos, design a clothing line and more. We all have something. Every single one is in pace. Some of the kids not in pace have these talents too, but they don't understand them. I think about my talents, and use them to relay emotions and structure of my life's greatest weaknesses and strengths. I'm not shallow. The brilliant kids in pace are shallow, but the ones of us that are different understand. The different kids think like me. Thinking so deep that your mind is in your and your head is in the clouds. They should have a different program for kids like that. Like me. I sleep a lot today too, but I didn't rest. I want to go back to dance, but I have to li one more day without it. I. Also sick of being in Texas. It's too familiar. I'm leaving in 2 weeks from today for summer camp, and I am ready to go. I've been here for too long, and last year I was scared, but now I'm ready to blow this Popsicle stand. I want to see my friends from dance, and go on vacation, and although this house is beautiful, I want to get out of here. It's the worst feeling though, when you have a lovely home, a kind family, a good life, when you have everything, but you still aren't happy. You know nothing can change it, that it's just how it is. It's sad. That's how I feel. My birthday is two weeks from today. I will be 13. I'm ready to be 13 because people think 12 is still a kid. People think it's sad for kids to be depressed, but not teenagers. I don't want pity. I don't need people to feel bad for me. I need them to either support me, or just leave me alone. At 12 they are concerned, at 13 they say it's just a phase. Just a phase? I don't think so.

Sunday June 5: today, I woke up when my eyes opened, and it felt good. It will be the last time in a while though, because tomarrow I start my summer dance schedule. I swam today too. Then I layed in the sun. When I was younger, my family took a vacation to Mexico. It was so beautiful and peaceful, that it became my happy place. I don't know if other people have a happy place, but it's a place deep in my mind where I go when I'm stressed or sad. It's only there occasionally though. I just think about that time of peace. Today I was in that happy place for a while. My mind at rest and my body relaxed. Of course the thing is that even a happy place has flaws but when your in your happy place you forget about them. Kind of like people. Once you love them their flaws don't matter. Some people say that makes us weak, to leave flaws unnoticed because of love. They think love makes us week. You'd probably think by now that I think that's true, but I don't. Loving is not a weakness because it brings happiness. If you don't see the bad in the world you are most likely a happy person, and I don't see anything wrong with that even if it makes you clueless. You only get one life, and I know it sounds cheesy, but even though my life is terribly true but unhappy, I'd rather have a false but happy life any day.i think love doesn't make you weak, it makes you whole. The thing that does make you weak though is when you think you're loving when you aren't. I'm not saying you should go into a relationship hoping to marry the person, but if you don't love them at the moment what's the point. The heart is always last to know. Tomarrow I'm taking class from a guest artist at dance. She's not too special, my teachers are probably even better, but you know why I care about her opinion so much? Because she's new. New people have a fresh perspective. You know how when you first meet someone new, you think to yourself "wow they are unattractive" or " OMG that hair is so fake looking" but when you get to know them you do t even notice. It's kind of like that. Kind of like unnoticed flaws of loving. I'm confused right now. I don't know whether I'm happy or sad. I think I'm scared to know because once I do, no matter what it is I won't know how to handle it. I want to go to summer camp now too. I wanted to go before, but now I need to go. Right at this moment. Everybody knows me here. I can be anyone I want to be when I go away. No parents, no one to tell me what to do or who to be. I do feel bad for whoever is chaperoning the dorms or cleaning up after us though. 50 teenage girls to keep out of trouble in a city. I hope I like my roommates better this year too. It is hard though because you get sick of each other when 6 girls are crammed in a 50 foot dorm room. Forcing people to be together. It never works out. Not outside of beauty and the beast that is. I think princess movies are great for children, but the messages won't get me anywhere. Being kind to everyone and forgiving all aren't really realistic. Come on people. Loving someone who kidnapped you? Not without a mental illness. Finding a soulmate overnight? Doesn't exist. They should teach kids happy stories like these fairytales, but they should teach them about stories of people who fell in love slowly, or stories of how to treat others right. It is good to keep kids oblivious for as long as possible though. They don't need to know what I know or see what I see. Sometimes I think I'm too young to be feeling all of this, but am I? I don't know if it's normal, I haven't asked anyone nor will I. Silence is the policy of my mind and the lock on my lips. The side effects of silence though, might be greater than I anticipated.

Monday June 6:
I had my dance classes again today. I'm happier when I go there. You know how sometimes your house doesn't feel like home. It feels like that, except I know home is at my dance studio. I'm there more than my own house anyways.my feet hurt now. My whole body hurts actually. That's what I'm not looking forward to when I go to summer camp. (It's a dance sleep away camp. Us dancers call them summer intensives because you dance 12-16 hours a day and literally live at dormitories at the dance school) I'm going to the nutmeg conservatory for the arts in Connecticut and I live in small town Texas. I like Connecticut. Filled with trees and good weather. I like Texas too though. I love being able to look out at the horizon, and be able to see miles and miles away just standing. It's not like that I. Connecticut. I do like that in Connecticut though that you can look up from your backyard and see the stars. I can't do that from my backyard. I want to go to nutmeg now! I finally have something to look forward too! The problem is that just as they say in dance, anticipation is the enemy of happiness and success. When you anticipate a movement in ballet, it always ends up less great than if you didn't. You have to live in the moment. I'm not good at that in the real world. I want to speed up time and go now. I looked on the bright side a little today too. That's a step for me. I'm not usually so happy. Happy feels good, but deep down I'm still sad. Sadness is a big part of my life. It's even more sad that nothing has caused it. Only getting older has caused it. I think that's why no one understands my sadness. They don't see a reason for me to be sad. Truthfully, neither do I, but I know it's there somewhere. You know how you have a dream, and it's not bad, but it's not good either. Good things and bad things both happen in these kind of dreams, so you do t know which kind to call it. That's how I feel about my life and my self. I just don't understand. If I don't understand, how is someone else to? Sometimes, people think because I'm quiet means I don't want to talk to them, but that's not true. Sometimes my feelings and thoughts are beyond any words to describe them. Sometimes you too need to feel it to understand it. I don't blame people who don't understand me. I'm sad for me, but glad for them. If they don't understand the pain, it means they haven't felt it. That's good. People who do understand me though. We get along well.

Tuesday June 7: nothing exciting has really happened today. I did have fun with my dance friends though. Today we mostly reminisced of memories from the past year, as on Saturday night, this year of dance will be over at the studio. We will all go away to summer intensives, but we will be back in the fall. I'm real,y sore from class. I'm so sore, it literally hurts to stand up, or put any weight onto my feet. I like it though. It means I worked hard. I was a little bored at class today though. The guy had a strong accent that I didn't understand. The good thing is, ballet is the same in every language on earth. I like that. You know how when you really think you are paying attention, and and you are looking and hearing, but then as soon as they stop telling you you forget. That's what it's like. We took class with the older girls today too. I'm 12. They are 17. All of the girls in my level stood at the back of the room. That's how it works. We use certain etiquette, and the kids stay in the back. The teacher said we all looked scared in the back and made us come forward. She was right. I was terrified, and really we all just ended up embarrassing ourselves, but it's okay because the older girls understand. They are kind of like big sisters. We are the babies of Hathaway Ballet. They feel the need to protect us. I don't know why, but we really trust each other. They help us. Just like the boys at school, at dance, I still have that very very nessasary layer of protection. I'm so sore I feel like I'm dying. I'm mental,y and physically exhausted, and it's on,y the second day. I'll be fine though. I always am. Do you know how paper can be shredded and burned and dyed and cut, and completely destroyed, yet it's still paper somehow. I'm kind of like that. I let things destroy me, and there isn't anything I can do about it. But in the end, I'm not even released from my suffering. I still have to be me. The same person even though I've changed tremendously. The thing is, as you may have heard before, everything that kills me makes me feel alive. Sometimes I forget I'm alive though, when I'm so numb from my feelings. Though remember sometimes, you need to feel something, pain or happiness, to remind yourself that you are still breathing. I enjoy the things that break me down, and the things I feel are important to reminding me that I'm still here. Sometimes it feels like I'm watching my life through a tv screen. Like I'm not really part of the world, but then I awake from that beautiful fantasy and remember where I am. It's really hard to love your life but be depressed about things that happen in your life. It feels like I'm being ungrateful sometimes, but I want to make it clear that I'm very grateful, just not happy. Although I will admit I am selfish sometimes, is any other human any better? We are all terribly damaged people, but now, part of me is crashing down all at once, while the other half of me is being torn apart piece by piece very slowly. The thing is, it looks like I'm going to break completely, but I know that won't happen for s while. You see, we all are on,y allowed a certain number of pieces for damaging before we break, but let me assure you, we are also allowed an infinite number of stitches to fix them. The stitches though are ours to create. I think I may just have enough stitches saved up though so I won't break.
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Wednesday June 8:
My mom knows now that I can draw. She didn't see my quoted drawings. I think the quotes as I draw now, but I don't write them. That way it doesn't really matter if anyone sees my drawings. They just think it's a meaningful picture. I drew a girl looking in the mirror in disbelief. It's supposed to mean that your true self is not who you would expect. She saw this drawing, and said I was a real artist. I'm glad she didn't look too closely. I'm not ready for her to understand yet. Neither is she. I don't have too much more to say tonight. I can really even explain how I'm feeling in my writing right now. Usually I can.

Thursday June 9: you know how just when you think everything is going great something bad happens. It sucks. A lot. Today could have been worse though. My classes were very difficult, but I had fun. I need a day off though. I get the entire week off next week. That hasn't happened in a while. Truthfully, I'd rather be dancing though. I don't need the whole week. Just one day is fine. Maybe even two might be nice, but after that I'm fine. I'm too tired tonight to write anymore. I need to sleep now. Goodnight.

Saturday June 11: sorry I didn't write. I was once again, too busy. It's okay though. I had a saying goodbye party for my dance friends to celebrate making it through a difficult week. We had so much fin, but as you know, goodbye parties are all about that underlying sadness. I'm ready to get out of Texas. I'm sick of it. Not forever, just for a while. I'm bored. When I'm bored I think and when I think my thoughts destroy me. I hate thinking and I hate writing but what else am I supposed to do with all of these thoughts. My writing is starting to get repetitive and I know that, but so are m y thoughts because I'm bored. Even though they are the exact same thoughts every time, they tear me down just as much and I still can't explain them perfectly. Isn't it funny.