Side Effects of Saying Goodbye

A Chapter by Ellie

Tuesday may 24: today at school, someone saw my drawings. I don't think they understood them though because all they said was that I was talented. I'm not a good artist, I am a passionate storyteller with a pencil. I'm changing my pain into pictures. I've been so much happier since I started this journal. I was happy today at school again too. We played a game of basketball, and had a jump rope competition, and sewed pillows in skills for living. It was fun. Every day I realize again how much I care about the people I'm about to lose. In my dance class, I joined a new level around Christmas. I didn't know the girls, but after just a few months, I can't picture how sad I'd be without them. It feels like I've known them my whole life. We love each other and care for each other. Good friends say I love jokingly, but my friends from dance are great friends, and we say I love you for real, and we mean it. We would never survive without each others support. My school friends like me,,and I'm sure we love each other, but my dance friends know me, say I love you like family, and understand me. They've seen me in my most glorious moments, and when I'm broken down to tears. I don't know what I'll do all summer without them. We won't see each other again til August after this weekend. The good thing is, it isn't goodbye forever, just a few months. Today I wrote an essay at school. I was going to make a story about a girl battling depression for my creative writing class on humanity, but I thought people would think that is weird, so I wrote about someone's recovery from depression. I don't believe one word that I wrote in that essay because life doesn't work that way. I think part of the problem with people is that we expect a happy ending, but just expecting something ruins our lives. I expected to be beautiful, look like a model, dance like a professional, and draw like a van gough, but now I'm disappointed. It's bad when someone else disappoints you, but it's worse when you disappoint yourself. I think I have another problem, I trust too easily. There is a girl in my Spanish class named peyton. I know it's rude to give names, but she is also rude. She over reacts about everything. My friend asked me if Peyton was good at Spanish today and I said yes, usually. I said nothing mean, but she came up to me yelling, insulting me, and telling me never to mention her name. I thought for a second she might be able to control herself but she couldn't, so naturally I insulted her back. I didn't cross the line with insults until she did. I trusted her. Now I hate her. I'm not going to swear in this journal, but you know what I'm thinking about calling her. Today my mom asked me why I always want to go to dance early. She will never understand. My social life is at dance class. The people I love are at dance. I like to dance. I want to go early to be with my friends and to talk. We talk about everything. She will never get it even though she thinks she does. I complain sometimes about the long hours and intricate combinations, but the truth is, I wouldn't rather be anywhere else. I sacrificed so much for ballet, but when I dance, I feel pretty, and graceful, and stable, and not normal, but not in a bad way, in an extraordinary way. I go to the studio so much, sometimes my friends and I just leave our stuff there for later. My teachers there see me more than my parents, they love us like their own children, and punish us like their own kids too. One time we went to 7 11 during our break. When we came back, we got in trouble because we worried them being gone so long. They took away our phones for an hour. They really are like our parents (they are husband and wife too literally) the dance studio is one big family. I have dance parents, siblings, cousins, and pets. (Sometimes they bring their puppy) as I write this journal every day, it gets happier, just as I do, and although I have my setbacks, I realize how many people care about me, and how many people I care about likewise. I just really wish that in the back of my mind the sadness wasn't lurking right now even though it wasn't earlier. I hope this isn't just a trick of happiness in the eye of the storm.

Wednesday may 25: I feel totally ignored at home. I'm rarely home, and when I am I want to rest and have fun, but my family just asked me to do things for them. I'm afraid of school ending because my school friends don't ignore me. I got asked out today by a boy I don't like. I said no in the most polite way possible, but i feel horrible. I still like that one boy, but I think I might just like him as a really good friend. If I don't have him in my life as a boyfriend, than he is a good person anyways, and I will be glad to keep him as a friend. That's what he is now, and I'm fine with it staying that way. I realized today how much my guy friends care about me. You don't realize how emotional guys really are until you get to know them. Today they were on the verge of tears telling us that they would miss us. I also realized how often they protect me and my other friends. I remember one time, a kid kicked me because he was mad at me, and my guy friends went up to him and held him against the wall like they were gonna punch him even though they didn't. They yell at people who are rude to us, they are as polite as possible (although it is a one of the boys kind of relationship), and they really do care about us. They hate it when we cry. They crack jokes when we are sad, and at first I thought this meant I had to like them like more than a friend, but I realized that I just need them in my life as friends. I've been writing about my happy memories with them more often. After I got asked out today I told the guys. They laughed and made jokes about it just to annoy me, but it was funny how they kept wondering if they crossed the line. I pushed one of them off the bleachers jokingly. Others would look at us all together and call it flirting, but we just call it friendship. We love each other like friends and family, not boyfriends. They are like protective older brothers. One time I fell off the Rockwall. One of them pick me up literally and kneeled down to ask if I was okay. He gave me pointers too. This doesn't mean we like each other though. I think all these memories make me realize not only that I'm learning to love in different ways, but that I'm learning to differentiate between emotions of live and friendship. I'm very proud to call these people my friends. When I'm with them my underlying sadness goes away. When I'm not it comes back. Sometimes I feel like I'm underwater, like I'm heard but not understood. Everyday I have to remind myself to keep breathing and that I will make it through this part of my life, but you know, it's really hard to breathe underwater. The problem is, I'm not nessasarily sinking, but I'm not floating Either. It's like I have weights with air pockets. Kind of like the some things weigh me down yet pull me up at the same time. I'm volunteering with children at my dance studio this weekend. It's refreshing to see how innocent and happy they are. How they know nothing yet they know more than they ever have before. It really shows how some things are better unknown, and how the more you see the less you know. Children are wiser than adults in some ways. So simple, so happy, they are the flowers. We are the weeds. We are growing still, but we are unwanted, unappreciated. We are looked at like criminals. With my friends I'm a flower. At home I'm a weed, but it could be worse. Some people aren't even flowers at all. The broken. Do you know how when you get a bad cut, it heals but it leaves a scar. I think I'm no less damaged now, but I'm more healed even though the damage can't be undone. Scars show healing of damage that can't be reversed. Scars are strength and courage. Even flowers might have scars. Weeds have wounds. It's different.

Thursday may 26:

Today was the best day I've had in a long time. I laughed with my friends so hard I cried. Usually my friends and I play basketball, soccer, or something else. Then we talk. Because we only have a few days left together, we just talked. We were normal teenagers making dirty jokes and having fun. We got into fake fights and tackled each other. Then we fought over our favorite gummy bears. After that though we all got a little upset about saying goodbye soon, but then we cracked up again so hard I almost wet my pants. Nothing bad happened with them, nothing at all. I'm gonna miss that. Although I was not happy the rest of the day, these few moments made my day amazing. The bad parts of my day were pretty horrible though. At dance, I messed up because I was t focused. I got screamed at with the rest of my class. Then we all cried together. We were together though, so that makes it better. I feel so misunderstood by my dance teacher, but I love to dance so I don't care. She just makes one more wound. The good thing is that soon wounds become scars, and they show strength even though the pain is remembered. I think I talk about my school friends so much because when they are gone, I'm scared that I will be forgotten even though we promised to always remember each other. We promised That we'd always be the spectacular six no matter what, but it will be different when they leave. I'm scared I will never find such amazing people ever again, even though in the back of my mind they were never gone in the first place. That's the thing about the back of your mind. You can't tell where it is, or exactly what's it's saying, but you feel everyday, stronger and stronger. I think it's what you really feel, just muffled by common sense and logic. That's why my underlying sadness means so much. I'm glad I'm figuring this out though, because these entries make me see how many things I have that mean more to me than I thought they did, good or bad. I miss them already.

Tuesday may 31: sorry I didn't write this weekend. I was too busy. I like being busy though. When I'm not it gives me time to think,mane when I think I get so lost in thought that I can't find my way out. I just remembered that tomarrow I have to say goodbye to my friends going to high school. It will be hard. I'm gonna miss them. A lot. I had to say goodbye to dance friends for the summer. I cried. I know I will see them again in the fall, but do you know how hard it is to say goodbye to s family member for 3 months. It feels like that, even though we aren't related by blood, they are my family, and we love each other just as much. We cried together out of happiness for completing the year, out of seeing a beautiful piece of choreography, and finally, hugging each other tightly out of sadness of leaving each other. I'll see them again though. I talked to my dance teacher who is kinda mean. We were all in the theater and we spoke more as friends than her students. I surprised her. I'm a pretty shy person with people I don't know well like my teacher, but not with my friends, but since they were their I loosened up. She told me that I should be less shy when I dance in front of her too. I am shy though. I don't want to mess up. She was surprised that I came out of my shell when talking, because sometimes I don't do that when I dance. She assumed that because I was quiet, u had nothing to say, but this time I spoke. She assumed that I was innocent, ignorant to the worlds problems, and just doing my best for fun, but I am quiet, not blind. She knows that now, I have tons to say I'm just afraid to say it. I know the problems, I just don't share my opinion on them. I put everything I have into my dancing, but I just don't do it I front of her. The problem is, now that she knows I can come out of my shell, she is going to try and get me to stay out of it. Maybe I've just had s breakthrough. Maybe I won't be as shy. I am though. Quiet not blind, quiet not blind, quiet not blind. People need to understand that, anylize it, and apply it to how they perceive people. Today someone called me hot. That's good I guess. They told their friend that I used to be lam and chubby (which is true) but now I'm a babe. It makes me feel good, but it's shocking to see how guys treat girls like objects. Like we can't hear them. We hear it. They say actions are louder than words. But I think words are so much more meaningful than actions. Words hurt you forever. Actions don't. Actions leave scars on your skin but words leave scars in you soul. I watched Alice in wonderland today. That movie describes me perfectly.lost inside your own mind, slowly going mad, changing who you want to be. We're all a little bit mad. That's true. The thing is, without madness their would be no sanity, for we'd have nothing to compare. Madness is in all of us in some way shape or form. It's true though we are all mad, some are just more so than others. They also said there is no wrong way to go if you don't know where your going. Adventure. Find it. Thinking six impossible things before breakfast, darling I've done that before I've even gotten out of bed and brushed my teeth. I think whoever thought of alice and wonderland was much like me. Lost in thought, damaged, and looking for sanity only to find even more chaos and madness only to realize that it is in fact madness that keeps you sane. Here I go again thinking faster than my fingers can type. You know that voice in your head that's speaks your thoughts. This is the one place where that voice is literally reading to me what to write or say instead of modifying it for the good of other people. Tomarrow I say goodbye to my friends, I don't want to cry. I don't want to sob, but I don't want to be strong either. I think I'm gonna cry though. Why wouldn't you cry about losing people you care about so much. I might not cry at the moment though. It may take time to set in before I realize what happened. I will see them again in a year though. That's too long. We won't forget about each other, I know that, but I can't promise they won't meet anyone just as good as us. That's what I'm afraid of. I love those boys to pieces. I don't want to lose them. I really like feeling that I care about someone, and that they care equally in return even though it's just friendship. I don't like though that it feels like just as everything was coming together, and it was right in the palm of my hand, now I'm just brushing it with my fingertips as it slowly slips away. Thanks for being such great friends though boys. I really do appreciate it. You made me remember what it's like to truly care again, and I know that will help in the future. It feels good you know. To care.

Wednesday June 1: today I said goodbye. At the time, it didn't hurt. It just felt like another day, saying see you later, but then I realized it wasn't. I didn't cry. I don't think I will. I guess I had already gotten out all the tears about it, and the only thing left to do was just say the words. I told them I'd miss them. Now I don't feel empty yet, but tomarrow I will, because they won't be there to light up my day. It was a privilege to have them in my life, and I am thankful they taught me to care again. It feels good to have something to care about. It hurts because it matters. I took all these quotes from previous writings. Now I actually know how I feel about them leaving. I feel a lot though. I'm happy they were a part of my life, but I'm sad they are out of it for a while now. I will love them deep in my heart as great friends, but I'm glad they are getting to a new chapter in their life. I'm honored to know these great people, but I feel kind of empty without them. It's okay though. They know how I feel. My brother saw my drawings while he was digging through my drawer. He doesn't know I'm damaged, but I think he's tipped off now. He's damaged too, maybe even more so than me, but people know that he's damaged. I think he understood my drawings, because he said they were beautiful. But I don't think he meant it like pretty, k think he meant it like deep, emotional, and true. I don't know if he knows they are about me and my feelings, but I'm pretty sure he's concluded that they aren't just something I drew. He knows they are meaningful. I'm glad he knows that, but it wasn't his turn to know yet. I wasn't ready for anyone to see my new drawings. Not yet. Today on my last day with my friends, we played soccer. Before I said goodbye, my friend gave me a big, tight, sweaty hug. Thanks for showing me how much you care. I got his message without using words. I think I'm getting sick. I'm at a point where I am so emotionally exhausted of school, drama, and lack of sleep, where I feel sick on the outside too. I have a constant headache, and I'm too tired to focus. Not sleepy, tired. It's different. Tomarrow I have my last exams. I hate exams. That's all I have to say about them. I have something to say about everything, but I have nothing to tell you about exams. They mean nothing to me, so I have nothing to say. Isn't it funny, how when people say that quietest people have the loudest minds, people don't believe them. I'm quiet. I think they would change their mind if they read this journal. If I took it everywhere with me, and wrote my thoughts all day, I could write ten pages minimum every hour. My mind isn't just loud. It's screaming, pulsing, barking and clearly getting its point across. I woke up this morning in a pretty good mood. Then my mom and brother were yelling. He did something stupid, and everyone at school was in a pissy mood. Katie was mad because I interrupted her studying by saying bellow, and god knows peyton always has something shoved up her butt. Then u was in a bad mood. I don't like people sometimes. They effect others. The problem is, if no one effected anyone, how would this world be. No sympathy, no empathy. No kindness or persuasiveness. No love. People say teenagers don't understand love, but I think we understand it even better than adults. Like I said. Two damaged people find the perfect match for their damaged pieces, and their demons and Angels get along well. Adults think it's all about understanding, romanticism, and kindness, but sometimes, you need someone to just help you suck it up, be your partner in crime rather than your boyfriend, and someone with a little tough love. People say teenagers think they know it all but we don't, but neither do adults. The more you see the less you know. They also say what you don't know can't hurt you but it can. Adults don't know that either. In phycology, someone asked me the classic question, if a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it does it make a sound. I don't know.you tell me I should reply. Is a tree like a person? If a person never tells anyone they are breaking inside, but no one knows it or sees it, will they ever find out. Then again if the people see the other person crumbling, they know they are going to crash whether they see the big downfall or not. The thing is. Either way the result is the same. The person breaks and the tree falls. In the end, you don't care how the person breaks or the scream they make when they do, you just know they are broken. Does it really matter if the tree made a sound? Maybe some trees are better at keeping quiet then others. Maybe someone knew one tree was crumbling. My answer is yes. The tree did make a sound because even though no one was listening for it, there is always gonna be a cry for help whether it is clear and loud or soft and subtle. The tree made a sound because no one can keep quiet forever, and everyone crashes when the break and fall. We should now be asking ourselves why we ask this question. Why would s tree only make a sound when a person is present. Broken people aren't just searching for attention when they break out loud. It's real. Why would trees trick people like that. Broken and damaged things never fake it. Never over exaggerate. They under exaggerate, so I think that if a tree changed whether or not it made a sound it would be silent In the presence of people and make noise when it's alone. Isn't that what we all do? Should the tree make a sound? This tree would never make s sound in the presence of people, but I would when I'm alone. Trees are so stupid, but I do know for a fact, that they do make a sound.

Thursday June 2: I don't know how to describe today. It felt empty without some of my friends. I still had chase though. I say goodbye to him tomarrow, the last day of school. I'm scared for the last day of school. I love being able to sleep in, and summer camp and all, but I'm scared. No more safety of friendship, no more protection. I used to be protected by my older friends. Now they are gone. I don't mean just protected physically. They protected me from feeling left out, they helped with my depression. I'm the top dog at school after tomarrow. I don't have any more protectors. Now I have to do the protecting of people who need it. Not everyone needs it. I needed it this year. Next year I'll find someone who needs it. Someone like me, if they exist that is. Someone who doesn't even realize they needed protection until they realize they'll have it. My friends knew I needed it even before they knew about my problems. It's not that they understood, it's that they cared. I think they protected me and I didn't even know it until I was about to be slapped in the face. They made that slap a little less powerful, and more like a shove into reality. I'm not ready to not have their shield yet though. I don't know if I can protect anyone else if I can't even protect myself. I'm also scared of next year. It's coming so quickly, and next year this time I will be going to high school. Life is moving too quickly, and I'd like too, but there is no time to stop and see the roses, let alone smell them. That's what happiness is. When you get even a glimpse of a rose. Since last night I started writing about philosify, I figured I'd continue. My teacher dead today s famous quote, I think therefore I am. Now, last night I pondered this, but this one, I already know the answer I think. It's not true. Thinking does not mean we actually exist. You see how easily other people can effect our thoughts and feelings. How do we know they are even our own. I could change someone's opinion right now, and they wouldn't be thinking for themselves now would they. It's not "I think" it's, they ink, we think, he thinks, she thinks! No one ever thinks for themselves. Someone is always there to help them. Even me right now. The thing is, someone must be behind it all because there has to be one person leading this whole thing. If none of us think without help, who was the first guy to get this thing started, to change someone's opinion. It could just be some random guy millions of years ago, but what makes him so special? Based on relegion, some people probably think it is Jesus or God, but I'm not religious. I have beliefs but I'm not religious. I do go to church even though I'm technically Cristian. I think Jesus must have been a wonderful guy, maybe even magical, but our savior? I'm not Jewish either, but I don't think we will or ever have had a savior. No one has saved me. I'm also not Buddhist or Muslim, but I think many people created the world. Once again nobody thinks by themselves. Not even gods, goddesses or wizards. I'm not atheist or scientoligis or anything for that matter. I believe that someone created this world, and that some theory they have now is correct, but does it really matter? I don't mean to offend anyone reading this, but I think religion isn't about finding a god or savior,nor worshipping, I think it's for the people. To put their minds at rest and explain the unexplainable. I think it's about having such a need to look up to something, that you create it, and I think religion is very important whether you have one or not because it makes people happy, and isn't that what every religion and holy book leads back to? Happiness? I think therefore I am is not true. I hope we are real, but I already know that whether there is one big man running it all or if it is self destruction, that some people are already fake.

Friday June 3:
Today was the last day of school. I had to say goodbye to all of my friends. Saying goodbye to chase was the hardest, because I don't know if I'll ever see him again. We have this thing, where when we play a game with teams, me and him are always on a team. Every time we win, we high five, fist bump, or do this little hand shake we have. When I said goodbye today, I just felt kind of numb. We hugged, then, looking sad, we did our handshake. It was kind of like a promise, to always remember each other and to keep in touch. As I walked out the door, we gave one last first bump and that was it. Gone. I won't see him or any of my other friends for at least a year now. I'm gonna miss them so much. The sadness about everyone leaving didn't hit me til I got on the bus. I thought to myself, I need one of My friends big hugs, or words of encouragement, but then I realized I would never get that back. I felt like crying. Bursting into tears like a child, but I didn't. I'm so sad. I knew it would hit me hard, but not this hard. For at least a year, I won't see them, or longer. Most likely longer, or never at all. We did promise to keep in touch though. I think we will, but for how long? Other than leaving my friends, I'm happy for summer because I can relax at least a little bit. I leave for summer camp in two weeks. I'm really excited! That's the one thing that keeps me going. I'm meeting up with some friends there that I haven't seen in a while, and I can't wait, but I keep coming back to leaving my school friends. That underlying sadness isn't underlying anymore. It is obvious, big, and right in the middle of my brain. What will i do without them. We took pictures today to remember each other. The thing is, my memories with them are ten times more meaningful than those pictures. Pictures are moments, not memories, it's different. I think I'm gonna die without them, or at least part of me will.

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