Side Effects of Friendship

A Chapter by Ellie

Friday may 20: I went to a party tonight. I met people like me, sad but happy. I'm glad I went because I was just gonna stay home. I felt normal, happy, and for a little while, that my underlying sadness had gone away. At school today my friend like me told me how she felt, how she really felt, and I realized how much more I had in common with her than I thought. Today, some of that sadness also went away during school, when I was talking to some guy friends of mine. No drama. I was happy. Truly happy, and I don't feel that as often now, but most of today I was normal and happy. I was still damaged, but I told someone how I felt about be damaged. You never realize how many damaged people there are in this world until you talk to someone else. I think that's why people date and make friends. They need people in life who's broken pieces match up with theirs, and together they are both damaged, but whole. That's how you know they aren't broken. I think the people I've talked to today's pieces match up perfectly with mine, because now I feel happy. The problem is, most of my guy friends from school, will be switching schools next year, and my pieces will be torn apart again. People hearts don't break when someone leaves them, they tear, and the people that leave each tear off a piece of that heart and keep it with them forever. I'm not in love with my friends that are leaving, but I do love them. There's a difference, and they are still going to tear my heart, that's what I've decided. I didn't draw today, because I didn't feel sad. I only draw when I'm sad. These drawings are ones I hope I never finish. God, I can't sleep tonight because I have so much to think about. I also think I like a boy. That also makes me happy. I want to thank him for allowing me to feel those butterflies again, but he can't know I like him, because then that sadness would come back, tearing me apart piece by piece. Today was a good day. Despite, despite every bad thing that happened, and I don't feel like naming them, because I want to cherish this moment of happiness, today was a good day. A great day. I feel understood. Sometimes understanding doesn't mean being able to sympathize with someone, it means to literally have walked in their shoes, which is something not everyone can do. Today I am happy, and good, and great, and I think that when I do fall asleep tonight, I will sleep soundly and peacefully. The thing is, as I previously wrote, today could just be hope tricking me again, but let's not think about that right now.

Saturday may 21:
Today was an okay day. Better than usual I guess. Not as wonderful as yesterday though. I started drawing again today, because even though I was happy mostly, that underlying sadness returned. It might just be stress though. Sometimes it's hard to differentiate between feelings when you feel so much all at once. Sometimes kindness is mistaken for love, and anger is mistaken for frustration. I usually realize later how I was feeling. I was happy today hanging out with my friends from dance too, but the sadness or anger or frustration or depression returned when everyone got a little tense out of stress about the show. So far I have only told one person about these feelings, and it makes me realize how many people in life I really thought I could trust before, but now question that when I have such a deep secret. They don't mean any less to me now, but I realized a lot. The picture I drew today had a quote by it. It was about love. I think having a crush keeps me going now. Gives me inspiration, and a reason to get up and look nice in the morning. I'm not saying he's the reason I live, but it's just exciting, and he is the one thing I feel for certain. I said that stability is boring earlier. That's all.

Sunday may 22: my problems always seem to come last at my house. Usually, my family thinks my brothers are far more important than mine. It's true he does have serious problems, but so do I. I try to tell people sometimes, but they are far too preoccupied. It's not that I feel invisible, it's worse. I feel painfully visible, and terribly ignored. Since I'm being ignored today. I went to my room for hours. I didn't know what to do, so I began to draw again. At first I drew a rose. It looked too pretty, so I made it wilted. It's metaphorical. It can be interpreted many different ways, but to me, it means that even beautiful things have flaws, and they will all eventually meet an ugly end no matter how pretty they used to be. I don't like it when people draw pretty things. I draw real things. Pretty is not real. Even the most beautiful of things have flaws. I also like to draw people now. Actually, it's not the people I like to draw, it's their emotions. I'm inspired by quotes I read, and I write the quote that I inspired me next to the drawing it inspired. Pretty is fake. Pretty people are fake even if they are naturally beautiful, I'm sure they have a flaw somewhere. I don't like the word imperfect though. Imperfection means one specific thing that is wrong. I'd like to use the word unperfect. To me, that means that it isn't that we aren't wonderful, it's that we simply aren't flawless. Everything is unperfect. Even the rose I drew today. My drawings are becoming more detailed, more symbolic, and more meaningful. I only use pencil. No colors, because I see beauty in black and white. That's how the world is. Black, white and grey. Right wrong, and somewhere in between. The world has no room for the solidity of red, or the unsureness of yellow, and neither do my pictures. The world is, and always will be black white and grey. When I do see colors, they are faded, not radiant, because faded colors are amazingly symbolic and beautiful. Once again, even the most brilliant and radiant things how flaws, and dampers. Even colors. Yesterday someone asked me how I felt, someone I trusted, but when I was about to tell them how I really felt, someone I didn't trust walked in. Isn't it a little bit funny how someone who has done nothing wrong can dull the communication and relationship you have with someone else. This is a bit off topic, and usually my writing flow, and bring up new thoughts, but I wanted to say how much I appreciate irony. I thought of I quote I read just now. Tomarrow I am going to draw about it, but I thought of this. The most beautiful people seem to change to something worse, but other people cause this change, and people are like flowers I decided. This is because when we pick flowers, we pick the most wonderful ones, even though we are well aware this will make them wilt. Now I thought of this, we pick the prettiest flowers and make them look lovely and feel loved, but really we are loving them, and enjoying their presence at their expense. People are like flowers.as my writing today is flowing along I have realized that my writings are not about sadness, they are about hope and deep thinking. Sometimes my sadness is just incorporated. I'm in the pace program at my school, which basically means I am a deep and creative thinker, and very bright. I don't believe it for a second. I don't think creatively, I think of a way out of my own mind, and my way out of certain situation. I don't think outside of the box. I think of a way to escape the box. The kids in my pace class all believe we think the same, and I think most of them do, but I don't. They use brains, and I use heart and feelings. I think deeper than my brain, so far in, that my thoughts are in my heart,and my head is in the clouds. I don't pay attention in class. I make good grades though. I good off sometimes with my friends in class sometimes too when I'm not in deep thoughts. The teachers can tell when I'm lost is thought, because I stare blankly, when my mind is nothing but blank. Actually, I don't think that I think deeply, I think that I feel deeply, because like I said, I think with my heart and I dream with my brain. The teachers don't get on me though, I'd like to think because I make good grades, but I'm pretty sure that they know that what I'm thinking about is far more important than anything that could teach. I'm excited to go to school tomarrow for once because I want to make the most of the last eight days of seventh grade by being with my friends. Lots of my friends will be moving schools next year, and I want to spend time with them. When I talk to my friends, life gets simple. My deep thoughts go back to the shallowness of my brain, and my shallow feelings go back to the depths of my heart. I just talk, and I know what I'm saying, even though I'm not even convinced what I'm saying is true. I just know that I care about my friends. I didn't plan on caring about them, so much. It will hurt when they leave. It will hurt because it matters. It's bittersweet though, because it's a blessing to have something in my life that I realize even mattered at all.

Monday may 23: today at school, I beat Chase at basketball. Then we jumped rope, and then played volleyball. I had fun and so did he and my other friends. I care about them so much more than I thought I did at first. I know that in a week, they will be at another school, and we won't see each other as much, but you don't realize the importance of a moment, until it becomes a memory. People say that you don't know how much you have until your about to lose it, but I think you know exactly what you have, and you just never thought you would have to say goodbye to it. Under appreciated, not unrecognized. What am I gonna do without those nerds, I say jokingly. The problem is, I'm not joking, but it has been a privilege to have people in my life that make it so hard to say goodbye. Today, I thought that this journal should have a name, for all important things have names. Because this journal is important, I thought hard about what it should be called. I write about sadness, happiness, and hope, and all of that is hard to some up in one title, but dear journal, I have decided to name you like a book, for books always seem to be more important than journals. You will be called "side effects of silence" because this journal is about what the results of my silence outside is, and how it effects my insides. I drew again today, but it didn't mean anything to me at first because it was for school. I had to draw something that showed how an individual can impact a society. Since I have told you that people are like flowers, I drew a rose. It was bright red and vibrant. Then I drew another, this rose, though, was grey. It's color was clearly stolen by the bright red one. I realize that my drawings show what I feel even before I know I'm feeling it. I've decided that your heart is behind a beat your entire life. I've said before that it is behind your brain, but now I know it is also behind your hands and feet too. Hearts don't understand instability, for you know, they beat to the same drum their entire life. Kind of like people I think. People try to convince us to always follow our hearts, but our hearts crave stability. I think it would be better to say to always follow your souls, for your soul craves adventure and light. I also had an English exam today. I had to choose a topic to write about. I wanted to write about depression, but I knew that would be too fishy, for I never want anyone to know what I feel. I don't want to be treated differently. Instead I wrote about flowers and people like I do in this journal. Less obvious, yet still heartfelt. I'm fascinated with flowers. How they live, how they are just like me, and how they feel, yet show no sign of it. I want to be like a flower. Flowers are unperfect, beautifully chaotic, and wonderfully forgotten kind of like people. I'm not a flower yet.

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