Chapter 18: Elektra

Chapter 18

Elektra

We get to France and next thing, we are heading for Germany. Can't stay still for a second it would seem. But if it is the best decision for all of us then what right do I have to complain? I miss the safety of ignorance. I just want to find a place that will be different; somewhere where we can be safe without worrying about the constant threat. Who do I mean by 'we'? Jason seems to hate me. The only person who cares about me can't stand me. The only person who might be able to tolerate me is the group arsehole.

Maybe this pregnancy...maybe this pregnancy could be a good thing.

I mean for years I never thought I had any family. I had convinced myself that I would never allow myself to put a child through that but, but seeing Alfie makes me think differently. Not just him but Sophia. Looking into the eyes of the baby and not seeing death reflected gave me hope. I don't know. I convinced myself of it for so long. I guess what I have been scared of, and I still am, is that I will look into my child's eyes and despise them. Despise them on account of what their father did to me. How does a person deal with that? Maybe I could deal with it. I have tried to suppress any form of maternal instinct but, maybe I could overcome it. If I allow myself to overcome it. I have another eight months to do so. I am tired of being afraid of things I can't change. This pregnancy seems fated to happen so...so why bother fighting it?

I just have to come to terms with everything. Everything that has led me to this point. It has been an accumulation of decisions and I guess I have to find peace with them. It was my choice to find John. It was my choice to leave Blackheath. It was my choice to join Jason's group. My choices have led me here. I have to accept them. Okay, I think I know what I have to do.

I gather up my jacket and backpack. I travel light. My jacket is bloody but the black of the leather conceals it. I put my bag down and put my jacket on. Warmth spreads through my spine, providing a source of pleasure. It feels so warm. I put my backpack back on and walk back towards my car of choice. I get into the car and check my mirror. My God, I look rough. Covered in blood; if it were my blood, I would be in severe trouble. Covered in dirt and grime. Wow I have had finer days, that is for certain. I scrape my hair back into a high ponytail with an elastic band I found lying around. More difficult for Risers to grab and it also makes me look slightly less grungy. Both of these are positive things in their own ways, in my humble opinion.

Someone taps on the window. Jason. Ugh, I'm not in the mood for this exchange right.

“Lex?”

I sigh and roll the window down. It takes a great deal of effort due to the amount of dust that has collected on the glass.

“What? Any more insults to fling at me? Or do you want another chance to assault me?”

“I wanted to...to apologise for yesterday. I did the wrong thing; I should not have been so violent towards you but, you have to understand where I was coming from.”

He is wringing his hands, avoiding eye contact. At least he acknowledges he was wrong; that's all I wanted, for now. And, I guess I also understand what he meant. I shouldn't have been drinking point blank. Alcohol inhibits cognitive reactions. People do stupid and reckless things when drunk.

I sigh and shake my head. “Fine. Fine. Apology accepted and...you were right. I think we made bad choices on both sides, let's just leave it at that, all right?”

“I still mean what I said about the baby; it would was stupid to drink with the baby to consider.”
“You are impossible,” I let out a short laugh, “but you're right about that too. If you swear to stay by my side, I will let the pregnancy take its course; I mean the amount of things its already survived prove its some form of titanium baby. Are you content with that?”

Jason smiles, opens the car door and grabs me into a bear hug. He seems way too happy about this. Way too happy.

“Alright, put me down. Fragile person here.” He puts me gently and smiles at me. He composes himself, brushing his shirt down.

“Well, okay. Great. Wow, okay. Better go and get the rest of our stuff. Is there anything you want me to get?”

I rub the back of my neck. I think I have everything with me. I think I do. I may have left my water bottle somewhere but am I petty enough to get him to retrieve it? Yes, yes I am.

“I left my bottle of water by the meeting place. My throat is killing me,” I say, focussing on the interaction between Lucas and Sophia. There is such love for that little girl; was that what it was like for me? Did my parents look at me like that when I was a baby? Did they have the concerns that I do? Does it really matter? The past is the past, there is no use in me contemplating things I will never get the answers to.

Jason nods and plants a kiss on my forehead. He begins his walk over to the burnt out pile. Cocky b*****d: he thinks he has won something, like it was his place to influence my decision. He believes he has more power over me than he actually does: he has become like family to me but I am still someone who is able to make my own decisions. I am still independent. I notice Danny staring at me from across the distance. He is scowling at me, like a petulant child who can't get his own way. I'm not going to look at him. I'm not going to give him what he wants. He rips his eyes away and throws a clear liquid onto the remaining embers of his personal fire. The way the fire reacts, it is clear that it wasn't water. Probably alcohol. Why would he do that when we are seconds away from leaving?

He takes something out of his pocket. The gold of it shimmers in the light. It's a watch, I think. Sam's watch; I am sure I saw her with it. He raises it to his lips, lingering for a few seconds. He then casts it in the fire. I don't think I will ever understand him. He's unpredictable and illogical. That was the last thing he had, to remind him of someone close to him, and he decides to stand and let it burn; how does that makes any sense?

Jason returns and hands the bottle.

“You ready to go? I will drive; you look so tired.”

It takes a few seconds for me to comprehend what he said. He waves his hand in front of my face, trying to get my attention.

“Yeah, yeah. Sorry, shall we get going then?” I re-adjust myself and take the bottle from him.

“Soon. As soon as the others are good to go. What is he doing now? You seem fixated on him,” Jason says, the tint of jealousy is just a little too clear in his voice.

“Nothing too interesting; he just seems to be burning things. I don't understand why he's doing that, at this exact moment. Especially as it looks like a watch Sam had with her.” Jason turns his back and leans on the car bonnet.

“Sometimes, people just do not make sense. There is no sense in trying to justify actions that are not justifiable. If he feels like he has to burn things, that is just something that has to be accepted and not questioned.”

“You've changed your tune; I thought he was public enemy number one yesterday,” I respond. Jason smiles and laughs nervously.

“No, do not get me wrong, he is still is but I guess I can kind of understand. He just lost someone who he obviously cared for greatly which is enough to drive someone over the edge. Plus, I take it as a compliment.”

“How can you take getting your arse handed to you as a compliment?”

“He would not go for me if he did not think I was some form of threat. Like an alpha male kind of thing. Proving his dominance. Mano y mano,” he says, miming some form of play fight. I smile and put my hand on his clenched fist.

“Uh huh, whatever helps you sleep at night.”

The sound of a car horn makes both of us jump. I guess we're all ready to get moving. Danny douses the fire with water and chucks the bottle into a long patch of grass. He wipes his face and nods to himself. Then he marches towards me, with determination in his eyes. He grabs the collar of my jacket and forces me into him. Is this man unable to take a hint? He places his lips against mine with such an intensity that it doesn't strike me what has hit me. For a few moments I think about putting up a struggle but I don't. I relent. I let him win. I think this is what I want: a man I know nothing about, great choice. There is just something about this that seems right to me.

I open my eyes momentarily. Jason walks towards the car, his head down. If I allow this to happen, Jason is never going to be happy. I'm not stupid; I know he is in love with me and he wants me to feel the same. Months ago maybe I would have done, but now so much has changed. He has become someone I can't live without and I would never allow anything to change that; he is my best friend and the one person I trust. Danny is this new enigmatic figure who...who, for some strange reason, reminds me of how Roman could be. On a bad day, when he wasn't masking it with his charisma, he could be a right miserable b*****d. I'm scraping the bottom of the barrel right now; looking for linking characteristics to justify what I am doing.

I want this. In this moment, kissing this strange, illogical man seems entirely right. That may change. Nothing is permanent in this world, everything is transient. My feelings for Danny will change, as the seasons do. That is the only thing I can think about betting on. Six months from now, I bet I won't be able to stand the sight of him. But, for now, I want this moment to be prolonged. The car horn goes off again. Danny releases his grip on me.

“Not pushing me away today then?”

“No, I guess not.” I move onto my tiptoes and whisper in his ear. “As long as you'll have me.”