Chapter 16: Jason

Chapter 16

Jason

Where is she? She went off with him about half an hour ago. If he has laid a hand on her, he is dead. I do not care: the s**t he has pulled since we had the displeasure of meeting him. I do not trust him at all, whatsoever. God, why did she have to ask me if I would die for her?

Because now I cannot help but think about it. I would not even have to think about it; it has become more of an impulse to protect her, less of a logical response. Especially now, when there is the baby to consider. Seeing her with that baby today has confirmed that; she looked like a natural. If she was not certain before, she must be now.

What is taking her so long? Helene is still unconscious, her breathing seems laboured and strained. I cannot believe I allowed myself to be dragged into performing neurosurgery. I cannot believe this because they will not blame Lex if things go awry. No, of course not. Lucas does not like me so it will be my fault. Why would he blame his sister for his wife's murder when he could place it at my door? God, if you are there, please do not let her die; it may be selfish but I do not want to have to deal with the crap that will be flung my way if she does.

Where the hell is she? I cannot help but worry about her. Since everything with Connall, I do not trust anyone. Anyone who might harm Elektra in ways I cannot imagine. I do not like the way he was looking at her. If he does hurt her, it is to spite me. I am sure he wants me dead. When he went for me, I saw fury. I saw a man who genuinely wanted me dead and that frightens me. A man who is not afraid to kill has nothing to lose. I get up and put my jacket on. It is so cold. Freezing. We are surrounded by open spaces so there is not even the protection, from the wind, of buildings. I walk in the direction they had taken.

“Jason, wait,” Lucas says, wandering over to me. He is clutching the bundle in his arms as if they contained the secrets of life itself. As if she is the most precious thing in this world. I want to feel like that one day. I want to hold my child and feel like they are the most important thing in my world; as if the Risers do not exist and nothing can be wrong as long as they are safe. No use in long term planning. When you are more focussed on the future than the present, that is when you become preoccupied which will lead to an inevitable downfall.

“Where are you going? Is everything all right with Helene? It has been ages.”

“I need to talk to Elektra about something; she went off with Danny about half an hour ago. I thought I would try and catch them up. And yes, I think everything should be fine, we did everything we could for her so yeah.”

Lucas' eyes move up to me. It seems like it is physically painful for him to remove his daughter from his eye-line for a few seconds. The baby begins to grizzle. A high pitched grizzle.

“I can't lose her, Jason. I can't lose her. I would rather die than be without her, do you get what I mean?” I can hear the pain in his voice. There is something pitiable about him. I cannot, neither do I wish to, understand what he is going through. He was unable to protect the woman he loved. I will never let it come to that. Never.

“You will not lose her. Even if you lose her physically, she will still exist in spirit, in the children. The people we love never really leave us, or so I have heard.”

“Wait, did you just quote Harry Potter to me? I commend you on your taste in children's books but...thanks. Thanks for the supposed 'reassurance'. Go find my sister,” he questions, keeping his eyes on the baby. Jesus, did I just quote a children's book? Lord, I am not bothered. They are good books, I have nothing to hide. No reason to judge me. I keep walking along the path, turning back every now and then to check if I am being followed. I hear heavy breathing. I can see Elektra hyperventilating, leaning against a tree. What did he do to her?

“Lex, Lex. Are you all right? What happened? Hey, hey look at me.” I try to check her arms for marks but she pulls away from me. There are no obvious injuries.

“It's fine, nothing happened. I just need a minute, okay? I just need to be by myself; go back to Helene, make sure she hasn't died yet,” she says breathlessly. I can feel the tension in her arms and legs.

“If he did anything to you Lex, tell me. I will make sure he never does anything ever again,” I reassure, placing my hands on her shoulders. She rolls her eyes and puts her forearms against her mouth and tries breathing normally again.

“Nothing bloody happened; I've just realised a few things. A few things I can't ignore. Just, leave me alone to deal with them in my own time. I'm fine. Stop threatening to murder him, where's that going to get us? Nowhere. In the middle of nowhere with out a pot to piss in. Please just go.” It takes effort for her to talk. It is only now I notice. Her hand on her stomach. Her fist clenched.

I move her top up slightly, revealing her stomach. I can see fresh bruises painting the skin like watercolours. What the hell has she done? What the hell has he done? If he has done this, I swear to God he is dead. She quickly pulls her shirt down and rests her head on my knees.

“Jason, how many times do I need to tell you? F**k off! I need to deal with this s**t on my own, I don't need your opinion,” she moans, clutching her stomach.

“Too bad because you are going to get it. You think this is the way to deal with things? Punching it out of you? Jesus, I cannot believe you would continue to inflict violence on yourself after everything we have been through.”

“When I want your opinion, I will ask for it. Now, would you kindly f**k off?” she says through gritted teeth. How can she continue to do this? She has seen the amount of death around her and she still chooses to create yet more death? How? How can she actively do that? You know what, sod it. Sod it. I am done with this. I cannot convince her to do anything because she does not listen to anyone but herself. She is a victim to her own impulses.

I stand up and breathe in. It is all I can do to prevent me from doing something I regret. I walk away, wait and kick a pile of leaves on the ground. No matter how many times I talk to her, she never listens. Never. The girl is so unbelievably stubborn who cannot see the illogicality of what she does. If this new little girl can survive, why can she not see the potential of her own impending motherhood? But no, she chooses to punch the crap out of herself to try and sweep the baby from her life. I cannot believe her, I truly cannot.

I make it back to the group. Lucas is still cradling the baby. Alfie is asleep in the back of the car. Helene is still on the ground, dust beginning to settle on her clothes. Without warning, I hear a groan. Jesus, it is her. She is waking up, I think. The amount of trauma to the brain, that seems incredible. I rush over to her and move her onto her side. I pull open her eyelid and one pupil responds. The other seems to take a great deal longer but it is adjusting; it looks to be relatively normal. Her eyelids flicker open. She appears dazed and confused. She runs her tongue along her parched, crack lips.

“Helene? Can you hear me? It is all right.” She groans and clears her throat. I place the back of my hand on her forehead; she seems to be sweating any fever out because she is nowhere near as warm as she was before.

“B..b...ba...ba,” she stutters.

“Its fine, she's fine. She wants her mum though; can you sit up?” I put my hand behind her back and help her sit up. She feels like a dead weight.

I run over to Lucas and pull him over to Helene. Lucas pauses, staring blankly at the crumpled mess of his wife. Tears stream down his face. He bends down, showing the bundle to Helene. He places his free hand on her cheek and rests his forehead against hers. It is a touching moment. No words need to be said because everything has already been said. He must have assumed he had lost her yet here she is. Alive...well, alive at the very. God knows the damage that has been done but, he still has her for a bit longer than he would have. It is not about the quantity of time you have but the quality. Who am I deceiving? We all want more time than we are ever going to get. That is the tragedy of it all.

“Is she healthy?”

“Perfectly. She's gorgeous. Our little girl is perfect Hel, totally perfect. We never decided on a name.”
“Soph...Sophia. I always liked the name.”

“Our little Soph...it's perfect.” He kisses Helene and looks back at the baby. The little bundle now has a name. She has an identity as more than just a newborn. If something terrible happens to her, a name would be buried. Wow, that is too morbid.

I feel so out of place in this moment. This is not something I can relate to. I am not part of this family; my family is dead. Elektra was my family or so I thought. I find it difficult to know anymore. Our relationship becomes more strained every minute. You would imagine that everything we have been through would make us stronger but...no. Maybe I have been too optimistic in the past, believing that there could be any other outcome. We have been through too much and what Connall did was the final straw. I lost part of my sight and she lost a limb...and more than can be articulated. None of these things can be given back.

I want this so badly. I want to experience this moment for myself. I want to hold my baby in my arms and look into the eyes of the woman I love. The only issue with that is, is that it will never happen. The woman I love treats me like I am nothing. Plus, she has made her feelings about having children very clear. I do not know what I am supposed to do to convince her of anything. I just want her to listen to me for once, at least take something on board. There is so much death in this world. I just want her to give this pregnancy a chance. It makes me feel sick to think about what he did to her but this could be the one good thing to come out of this...this despicable act.

Elektra strolls over, looking at her feet. She rubs her arm, shivering. I look away because I know what I would do next: I would give up on being resentful. My impulse to protect her would override any sense of logic I still have. I smell the alcohol on her breath; she has been drinking, in her bloody condition. I grab her arm and drag her to the side; she struggles against my grip, trying to step on my feet as I move.

“What the hell are you playing at? Drinking? Are you actually moronic or do you have to work hard at it?”

“Get your f***ing hands off of me!”She yells, pulling away from me. I tighten my grip on her arm. I spin her into me so I have a tighter grip on her. I have one hand on her arm, the other grasps her middle. She jerks her head back, hitting my collar bone. The disadvantage of being vertically challenged: you are unable to headbutt people that are over six foot. She winces; it hurt her more than it did me.

“Go on then, answer me! What are you playing at? I am getting sick of your constant attempts to be an idiot.”

“You don't own me Jason. You have no right to tell me what I can and can't do. Now, get off of me; you're hurting me.” She tries to struggle her way free but my grip is too tight.

“No more than you are hurting yourself.” I let her go and she falls forward, landing on her knees. She used her hands to brace herself. Blood begins to bead on her forearms. Gravel sticks out of her hands. Her jeans have ripped. What have I done? I put my hands over my mouth. What have I done?

She wipes the gravel off of her hands. I hear her wince and curse as she does, cursing me mainly. She stands up and brushes herself down. I do not know what to say to her; she should not have put so much force into struggling. It is her own fault she fell but...maybe I should have not have been so aggressive towards her. I have never done that before; I have never lost it with her like that before.

“You have no right. No right to touch me, no right to tell me what to do. If you know what's good for you, stay out of my way,” she warns, limping back towards the group.

What is wrong with me? The woman frustrates me but...but I have never been violent towards her. I guess the baby has brought out my paternal elements; why does something that has not even been born yet seem to matter more to me than someone who I have loved for months? I do not have the answer to that. The only theory I have is that, that child is a part of her. I have tried to come to terms with the fact that she will never love me but...but that child could love me; not in any perverted way but as a father. It may be the closest I ever come to being a father to Elektra's children. That is the only reason I can come up with. The only dispensation and even that is crap.

“What was that exactly?”

Damn it, Lucas. I turn my head slightly, trying to avoid direct eye contact.

“It was nothing. Nothing that concerns you. How is Helene?”

“Okay, what you do is your business. However, when you start getting heavy handed with my sister, it becomes my concern. My wife is fine; disorientated but she's fine thanks to the two of you. I came over to say thank you so...thank you.” If only he knew we probably did more damage than we fixed. I clear my throat and nod to him.

“No problem, there was no choice in the matter. So what is the plan exactly, from here? We cannot stay here for the rest of our lives,” I inquire. He pauses for a second, rubbing his chin. He has no clue. No sodding idea what we are to do next. I mean it is not too detrimental; only the lives of his wife and children at stake if he screws this choice up. Moron.

“We are heading to Germany. There is a safe zone a few miles out of Hamburg. We meant to go there years ago but unforeseen circumstances made it impossible to go. If there is any place that has survived, it will be there. Does that answer your question, you snarky b*****d?”

Germany? Another country to put false hope in? We thought France would survive but that failed. We thought the coast would be survive but that failed. See the common theme? I find it difficult to believe there is a prophesied 'safe place' after everything we have been through.

“You think? You do not think that it may be futile to look for a safe community? Are you willing to take that chance?”

“Yes, I'm sure. We encountered them. We would have gone with them if Helene were able to travel at that point. If there is a safe place, I would bet my life it would be there.”
“Yes but are you willing to bet the lives of your family? Or your wife and kids?”

“If that is what it takes for you to trust my judgement, I swear. I need your support on this if we are going to make it. I don't want to fight with you, especially after the birth of my daughter,” he says, touching my arm as if to reassure me. I pull away and cough.

“Fine. Fine. If you think that Germany is the best bet, and you are not planning on chickening out at any point, I am with you. You are going to have to convince the others. Daniel hates me so I do not think I could convince him even if I wanted to,” I assert, folding my arms. I keep moving my eyes to avoid containing him in my field of vision. Lucas nods and heads back towards the group.

I should start heading back. If this is going to happen, I might as well put on a good show. I might as well support Lucas' decisions and play the part I am expected to play. It is the only way for me to secure a place in this group, to secure a place in any form of safe place.