PONDERING MY LIFE AND LOVE

 

 

Many nights I lie awake, alone and musing, so I decided to write it down. I have often wondered over the years why I have gotten into so many relationships where I was hurt. Since God is love and I have chosen to allow Him to flow through me to others I shouldn't be hurt. Right? Unfortunately I am still human and too often I let myself and my own heart and desires get in the way. The Lord has granted me a lot of emotional healing but there is some scar tissue that remains. At times I still have trouble trusting that someone can really care for me with no ulterior motives. That is something I learned very early in life, and it is hard to let go of that insecurity which stems from so much abuse.

 

I asked the Lord to teach me how to love because I grew up in a very disfunctional family. Well His love flowing through me can be really intense. Maybe it is that intensity that frightens people, or maybe my need starts to surface and that scares them more. All I really know is that I tend to attract people who are even more insecure than I am. Maybe that's because I can relate to their hurt and know that they really need to experience love with no ulterior motives thus I let love flow freely and non-demanding. The Lord's love can penetrate the toughest of shells, and heal the hurt that others have caused.

 

But it would be so nice to not have to scale walls ALL the time. I know too well how lonely it is to live within those self erected walls and I pray that I will never be able to rebuild any of the ones I had. Still reaching out to other hurting souls can be draining at times as I actually do feel their pain, both physical and especially their emotional pain.

 

Having survived so much turmoil in my own life, I tend to pick up on other's needs and try too hard to reassure them; often putting their wants ahead of my own needs, instead of just putting their needs ahead of my wants. This is not always good. The lines can get blurred and in a moment of reaching out, I can easily cross a line which is better for all if it is not crossed. Over-stepping that boundary can really mess things up. Compassion and passion can get confused. Thank God, He is still teaching me and He still loves through me even when I get in the way.

 

But I have caused myself so much pain by forgetting that most of the ones the Lord loves through me are only here for a season. I am a foul-weather friend as opposed to a fair-weather one. Once they begin to lower their walls and learn to receive love, they are strengthened by it and eventually they will move on. I don't get angry because deep down I know that it is what they need to do. Still I have cried rivers over seperating from them because very often they move many miles away and we lose touch. Yet years later when I have heard from them the friendship, love and excitement is still very much alive, as if I had seen them only yesterday.

 

Sometimes I tire of scaling walls or helping to tear them down only to watch someone else reap the benefit of it. Yet I know this is one of the jobs the Lord has ordained for me to do and He blesses me and them. Even though some may think me a fool, I refuse to shut up my heart or erect a dam to control or stop the river of love which flows through it. I know that in solitude with the Spirit, I will be renewed and refreshed. Maybe someday I will learn to let go without so many tears. But even Jesus wept, so I know I am in good company.

 

I have been blessed with the knowledge that this is one of the reasons I was created and a purpose for my life. Therefore, I pray that when my time on earth is up, my eulogy will simply be "She loved."  And I also pray that by then, I will have finally learned to stay out of Christ's way, and let Him show through so that someone will have recognized that the difference in me was and is Jesus.

Reviews

[The Rock And Roll Cowbo..]

You really gave us quite a perspective on your deepest emotions... I think you were able to talk a lot out in this piece... I think you have something on attracting people more insecure... that can be a bond unspoken whether we see it or not... and yes the more hurt you get by love the harder it is to find a healthy relationship because your trust is damaged from the start... the key is you have the love of the Lord and with that you can't go wrong. Thank you so much for sharing this part of your life with us, I think anyone who reads this can learn something bout themselves.

[A. Amos]

All I know is your are an Angel in human form, we all pretend we are kind loving souls and are truly follow our Lord Jesus Christ teaching; God always bless you my friend as you are a true hero for many including me. Thank you for all your support and believe in me and my work.

[Ellen Hammond]

Thank you! I am very touched by your kind words.

[A. Amos]

You're most welcome my friend

[ettorney]

My wife is a giver of love the way you are. I taught her early in our relationship two things. First: It is just as ok to be loved. To receive love as it is to give love. Second: I taught her how to give as much love to herself as she gives to others. Meaning, she had to learn to care for her own needs, before, she could see to the needs of others. I taught her these things so that we could have a love relationship that would last forever. Otherwise I feared she would burn out. Her love is limitless but her emotional and physical energy is not.

She called it selfish if she cared for herself before others. I agreed but I said the selfishness is mine, not yours. If she cared for herself before caring for me; selfishly, I received more of her. The all of her.

My dear, without knowing you, I pray for a different epitaph for you. "She was loved."

Nice, honest write.

[Valentine]

Ellen, I think some of us are meant to serve our Father in this way even though we would like to hang on to these people longer..It is like finding a bird with a broken wing..you tend to it and when it is able to fly again you have to let it go..If it loves you..it will come back to see you..Nice write my friend..love and God bless..Kathie

[Samuel Dickens]

Your honesty and openess is moving, and I can relate well to your words, having traveled similar roads. Life is what it is-- some receive flowers and some receive thorns. As you have learned to do, we just have to accept it and find the strength to go on.

[Alicante lullaby]

ofcourse Ellen..,you loved...a very spiritual writing....and in a world so full of hatred some one with your passion and affection is a miracle...parting is a part of life.yet it hurts....but then time heals it...a very innocent writing and it connects people...so what should I call you''God's tool to love''in the end''A thing of beauty is joy forever''lovely write...

[Lee]

Beautiful Sunday morning to my friend. I'm sending you white-capped waves, clear-blue sky, and a bold sun. This piece is excellent, Ellen. You clearly enter into the greatest emotion mankind knows...love. It's so great the Bible, or Hebrews use seven different definitions...we use one.
So, I gathered your feelings about hurt after loving someone and then they move on. I can relate, but so can Jesus...we could discuss for weeks those He has loved and then watched with a tear in His eye as they returned to the wide path.
However, as you end this well-said piece from your heart...He Loves.
Thanks for a nice start to a wonderful day...keep smilin'...Lee

[Ron Cole]

This was a lovely write. I think you are not in Christ's way, but instead are an Angel providing him with a set of helping hands here on Earth, and manifesting his love and healing!

This was a beautiful write, lovely lady!

[Edalene Connell]

Wow, this is so true. It is wonderful to read this, for it gives people hope and some peace. So many of us have these struggles and sometimes it is hard to over come them, but God is there to help us each step we take.

[Helen Woodward]

I truly love the way you can say Jesus out loud for everyone to hear, many are shy about this as if it is some kind of cult thing. He is important in my life too Ellen, I don't know where I would be now without his counselling heart and night whispers to encourage me to keep walking in faith.
You have shared much here to your credit. When we give of ourselves like this we are the richer and others learn...hopefully that he can make a difference in their lives as well.
Beautiful Ellen as is all your work, you never cease to astound me xx

[emmajoy]

' To love without thought of self is the greatest love of all ' - so sayeth some great man whose name I've forgotten.

To have suffered and yet still have the heart to help other people as you have and do is the most beautiful path to travel. And, yes, to be a shoulder for people to cry on is drainin, it hangs around the body like an enormous near-impossible weight. But Ellen, you do it, you've explained just how and why through this beautifully worded post.

The Lord walks with you for sure.