"Never Wanted"

A poem/literature that I wrote during my depressing phase... Disclaimer: MAY BE DEPRESSING

  "Never Wanted"

 I wish I could tell people how I feel,
 I wish I knew what it is like having a close friend without worrying, 
 I wish my mind would stop putting me down.

 I know my mask is crumbling and
 I know that calling for help is futile 
 If you lost your voice to death ears.
 I know I need it, but I can't.

 I can't stop my mind from being paranoid.
 Paranoid what people think of me.
 Paranoid how people see me as.
 Paranoid if I deserve what I've gotten in my life.

 All that negitivity but,
 I can't help to believe in it.

 I am unusual,
             Strange,
                 Obnoxious,
                      Arrogant,
                          Oblivious,
                               Ignorant.

 I know that; I'm trying to change,
 But I only formed an invisible civil war.

 The looks they send me don't help: 
 As if they've seen a monster,
                                  A beast,
                                      Not human.

 I don't want that.
    I want to see smiles.
       Even if I'm not the reason behind it.

 But what I mostly wish is to be NORMAL.
 Even if it will be boring,
 It's better than my own mind tormenting me.
 It's better than feeling everyone's eyes on me.
 Even if they aren't.
 
 I don't like it.
    Scratch that,
       I HATE it.

 I don't like attention.
 I want to be invisible
 And calm down my anxiety...
 But I can't.

 It's horrible.
          Terrifying.

 I lost trust, to others,
      Myself, my close ones...

 I lost hope,
     Wishing that tommorow won't appear.

 I'm consciously distancing myself,
 Wish I'd stop.
 The rapid distancing only proves how much they care about me.

 No one tried to grab me
 And hold on...

 Even if I am loosing capability
 To emotions, 
 My Heart still shatters.
 Even if it still was predictable.

 I always cared for others, but it turned onto me.
 When you're always giving and refuse taking,
 No one notices when you need giving.
 When you're always supporting someone's back,
 They don't notice your silent tears 
 I made sure that they wouldn't see mine.

 I tried to get help, but it only gotten it worse.
 First was no support,
 Next made me feel worse.

 Help is futile.

 I tried to get distractions: hobbies.
 When hate came my way, I ignored it,
 But I didn't forget. 
 Once a daily routine transformed into rarities.

 I used to love writing.
     I used to love reading.
         I used to love being happy and unique.
             I used to love being myself.

 But it boomeranged back to me.

 It's difficult.

 I used to love socializing,
 But now it's a chore.

 I used to enjoy my solitude,
 But now it's a panic.

 It became a loose : loose situation

 I don't read minds so,
 I don't know what people think of me.
 I'm not observant so,
 I don't know what's their look on me.
 My instincts say it negative, and I agree.
 It's the only thing keeping me sane.

 I want it to stop.
                      To end.

 The only way to rest is too drastic,
 Even in my state of mind.
 Even if no one would've cares if 
 I committed suicide.

 I'm stuck.
      I'm lost.
            I lost.

 I'm tired of trying to fi d myself 
 A nap would've been enough.
 But I lost my comfort, my safety.
 Unable to sleep.
 I can't rest.
   I can't do anything.

 Even though my apperance is of an lion: 
 Big and intimidating,
 My voice is quieter than of a mice;
 My bite is weaker than of a goldfish.

 But that's not visible 
 Just the lions roar.
 No one wants to 'tame' the lion.
 All that was needed was a conversation
 Or just a small 'hello'.

 That would reveal the frightened lion.
 How they only wanted someone 
 to trust them.


 There isn't a beginning to this.
 It's just sneakily caught me.
 Just like water flooding a room
 through a straw-sized hole.

 If I noticed the breaking, I would patch it
 so that I wouldn't be drowning before swimming. 
 My head sunken under the water helped to
 Mask my tears
 With my smile still plastered on.

 It may seem selfish, but I just want
 A friend that I can trust,
 A friend that I can open to,
 A friend that will help me.
      
      Just one person

 I am weak
 There's nothing false to deny.
 I am inexperienced
 as I am young.

 I know I will suffer worse,
 But when it happens,
 I'll be unaffected
 as my emotions dispersed.

 I could go on forever, but I've already wasted enough of your time.
 Sorry.

 This was pointless to read as it was only a glimpse to my life. Just one from seven billion people doesn't make a great impression. 

 I'm sorry about wasting your time...

-Eliza Slowinska

(Age 14)

Reviews

[Bryan Webb]

This was a good piece. The dynamic portrayal of social anxiety of chronic depression (both of which I've suffered from so this really hit home) and one's lost hope of ever feeling positive, well, or sane again. Very good and I feel like it came from the heart, which helped it's execution.
There were only a small handful of errors I noticed:
"I can't stop my mind from being paranoid.
Paranoid (of) what people think of me.
Paranoid (of) how people see me.
Paranoid if I deserve what I've gotten in my life."
"It became a loose : loose situation" - I think you meant "It became a loss: Loss situation"
and finally "I'm tired of trying to fi d myself" -With the "N" missing from find (Although a deliberately missing "I" would be a great piece of symbolism)
Again this was a great piece and I really enjoyed reading this. The stanza setup and the flow was absolutely amazing and shows just how good of a writer you are. Keep up the good work and continue to bring forth amazing words to your future readers.