Personal Memoir

Everything was too clean. I could taste the antiseptic in the air. The nurses passed by me with blank expressions, unmoved by the moans and yelling that escaped the different rooms. I was dishevelled, my eyes remained unfocused. I tried not to connect with anyone, afraid I’d see their souls and they would see into mine. It only took one good look to realize I was a monster.

I was guided to a crisp bed and told to wait. The girl who lost an eye a few doors over shamed me with every scream. I had no real wounds; my pain was nothing.

“What’s bothering you today?” A nurse asked, tilting her head for calculated concern.

“I’m depressed” I hated her.

“Have you thought about harming yourself or someone else?” She raised her eyebrow as she stared me down.

“Yes. Myself.” I knew all the correct answers.

“Have you planned anything?” This place made me uncomfortable. My nails scratched at the scabs on my arm, cuts I’ve been making for weeks now.

“No.”

These were all preliminary questions to justify dragging a mental doctor down to see me. Before she left I thanked her with a small smile and dead eyes.

A young women, no older than I, dressed in lime green and neon blue spandex, marched the ER halls. She looked dishevelled for a normal person with a huge brown leather purse across her chest which she held close. Suddenly we made eye contact and she smiled like an old friend. She marched straight to my bedside saying, “Darlin, why are you here?”

Shocked, my tears fell. “I’m sad,” I explained.

She wrapped her arms around me and kissed me on both cheeks and said, “ Please don’t be sad. You’re not alone, I’m here.”

I nodded and tears continued down my face. I could smell beer on her breathe and her eyes were glassy. She tucked my loose strands of hair behind my ear and caressed the sides of my face lovingly.

She said, “To be honest, I’ve been getting sad a lot too. I was thinkin about admittin myself into this place. Well, me and my mother. She’s an alcoholic. What’s you’re name?”

“Elizabeth. Why have you been sad?”

“Well, just a lot of things. Drugs and stuff. I’ve been through a lot of bad stuff in my life. I’m Sarah.”

“Yeah,” I agreed.

“Well why are you sad?”

“Because I’m crazy.”

“Well, you don’t seem crazy to me. You look like you need a hug. Do you want a hug?”

I nodded and she hugged me close to her so I could smell her hair was recently washed with something flowery.

“My mom is a born-again Christian and she found Jesus. She tells me when she prays she feels better. I think we should give it a try and pray. I’ll tell my mother about you and she’ll pray for you too.”

I didn’t tell her I was agnostic. I wanted her to stay with me so I nodded. She grabbed my hands and clasped hers over mine and bent her head.

“Dear Jesus Christ, I pray you watch over Elizabeth. She is a kind and good soul. Please protect her and love her and guide her. She’s not alone. Let her know she’s not alone. May she be healed in your name. Amen.”

She finished her prayer with a kiss on my cheek and wiped my cheek dry. A nurse pointed a finger at Sarah, spitting ”Do you know this girl?”

I froze. Sarah started to say while gathering her purse “She’s a family friend. I know her from--”

“You cannot be bothering patients. This is your third and final warning or you will be removed from the premises if I see you bothering another patient. Do you understand?”

Sarah walked away, head down while mumbling a “yes.”

Right before she turned the corner she blew me a kiss and mouthed “I love you” and disappeared.