Chicken Lake

One chicken's dream and drive to perform ballet in a world of swans gets unexpected results!

"I had that dream last night. There was music playing and a huge stage. A white swan danced and twirled and leaped across the stage. Mother, I was that swan."

"Don't be silly dear. You're a chicken."

"I was being metaphorical mum."

"Have you fed your brothers and sisters?"

"I want to tiptoe across the stage in a line. I want to spin in circles without falling down. I want people to cheer when I soar across the stage in great big bounds. I want to do ballet, mum!"

"That's nice dear."

"So I've decided this year I'm going to try out for Swan Lake."

"What what? You'll drown!"

"I know I can do it mum. I've been thinking light, and I have some feather bleach-"

"No, Polly. No no no no no. No daughter of mine is going to throw herself in the lake."

"But I want to dance the ballet mum!"

"Nonesense. If you want to dance we can take you to Mrs Perchuks Lil Line-Dancers after class. Oh you'll look so cute in checks, tapping your little feet!"

"That's not ballet! It's not graceful or classical or beautiful! It's a bunch of chicks bobbing in a line to country!"

"I did Lil Line-Dancers you know. And Henna's Hoedowns. That was when I first saw your father. Oh he was such a handsome devil..."

"Mum, I want to be a ballet swan!"

"Honey, listen to your mother. You're a chicken. And chicken bob in lines. It's what we're good at. Be proud! Now go feed your siblings."

"Alright..."

 

 

"I'm going to be in Swan Lake."

"Girlfriend say what? Why you wanna be some skinny-a*s swan living on croutons?"

"I wanna dance! I wanna be elegant and sophisticated and light as air!"

"Uh huh. Look honey, I hate to break it to ya but this air better pack on twenty pounds real fast if you wanna be light as."

"No, see, I got it figured out. I'll go to tryouts and once they see what great potential I have they'll have to teach me!"

"Yeah, only problem with that is you a chicken girl. Ain't nobody letting no chicken dance Swan Lake."

"I won't be a chicken. I'll be a small swan, and you're going to help me."

"Girlfriend say what?"

 

 

"Girl, you sure about this?"

"Only white swans get to dance in the chorus."

"But this stuff is paint."

"It's whitener. I wanna be white. What's the problem?"

"The problem is you gunna be unsticking feathers from yo butt for weeks after this."

"Just start painting me already, but leave this bit around my eyes and beak."

"So you can see?"

"So I can look more like a Swan."

 

 

"Name?"

"Polly Peckinpaw."

"Species?"

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Where is your neck?"

"I got dropped on my head when I was little and it got squashed."

"Where are your webs?"

"Terrible reed accident, I don't want to talk about it."

"Mmhmm. Manswill. Issue."

"Mademoiselle, although what you are attempting to do is utterly adorable, I'm afraid I cannot have chickens in my chorus."

"Who are you calling a chicken?"

"I can sympathize. Anyone who is anyone would want to be in this year’s production, but sadly, we have standards to adhere to. A certain consistency must be maintained throughout the line, and you my dear, I fear would be but a punctuation mark in an otherwise flawless lyric."

"Are you calling me short?"

"I'm calling you round. We need the tallest and the slimmest long-necked birds and you my dear are none of the above."

"Speciest! Just because I'm not a gangly freak!"

"I must ask you to leave now."

"Well fine, I didn't want to live on croutons and air anyway!"

 

 

"They rejected me! I didn't even get to audition! Ow!"

"Hold still, there's a whole clump glued together back here."

"I mean the nerve! Just because I'm not some white slim goddess of a bird I can't dance? I could ballet their beaks off!"

"Yep, life's unfair. Look at me, I'm wider than I am tall, could sit my a*s on a dozen babies, but do you see any rooster looking my way? Uh uh. They all like 'we like the skinny chicks!' What good is that skinny butt going to do come winter, huh? You tell me."

"Ballet doesn't need slimjims to be beautiful. I bet it'd be just as good, no better, if it was performed by a line of plump girls. That's it!"

"Hey hey, I wasn't done yet!"

"Berta, we're going to start our own production. We're going to perform: CHICKEN LAKE!"

"Mmhmm. And where you gunna find anyone to do that?"

"There's a whole pool of undiscovered talent in this barn! I bet we could do it better than any Swan. We can put more body into it!"

"Well girl if there's one thing I got it's body."

"Yes, this is going to work! I still have a copy of the music, Don can play it on reeds, and Sally will know a whole bunch of girls from the Lil Liners, and-"

"Don? Don can barely play one reed at a time and you want him doing the whole band?"

"Orchestra."

"Semantics. No no no girl, what you want is some soul friends. Don't worry, I got you covered."

"It's not really that kind of music..."

"And Sally and the Liners are cute but we need some men to lift us girls. We gotta go for the top! I'm talking the Bob 'n' Drop!"

"But they're the best dancers around! How could we convince them to do this?"

"Oh, the Bob 'n' Drop will do anything for a pretty round eye and a cute little beak."

"You're not talking about-"

"No."

"So you mean-"

"You."

"Oh. But you're kinda pre-"

"Just stop talking."

 

 

"Hey fellas."

"Ghnuh."

"That was a great show you put on. My little friend here got so excited she nearly popped egg all over her seat. She was just after a little autograph from the hottest boys in town."

"Hi."

"Why hello there. What's a chick like you doing in a place like this?"

"Uh, well, I was..."

"We was wanting an autograph. Polly here runs her own dance studio, ain't that right Pols?"

"I, uh, yeah, uh..."

"An' it is just bursting with the ladies, I mean you cannot take two step without someones feathery butt in your face."

"We have't really got-"

"It's just such a shame that there ain't no strong roosters around to lift us girls. I mean, I don't mind hauling Debbie up but when my beak ends up squashed in her tush I can't help but wish I had some big strong rooster in my place."

"It takes courage to start your own studio. We should come by sometime and show our support."

"That would be fabulous. We're at the henHouse at eight if any of you boys wanna see some real dancing."

"We might drop by."

 

 

"Ladies! Ladies, please! Single file!"

"That ain't how you get their attention! Ladies, first five to form a line gets extra grain in their package!"

"So bribery. Original."

"Hey, it worked, didn't it?"

"Now ladies, I understand you're used to the old step and stick to the partner routine, but we're going to be doing things a little differently. We're going to do: Ballet."

"Bu-ballet buck bucbuck buck."

"Yeah! We're gunna show those snooty swans what it takes to be real dancers!"

"Booty and lots of it!"

"What? No! I'm talking about talent! You don't need to have a neck twice your body to float like a cloud. All you need is passion!"

"Ba-SQWACK!"

"And practice. Lots and lots of practice. Berta, help me get her out of the bucket."

"Maybe we should leave the lake out of it. These girls have enough trouble staying upright on land."

"No! It's called Chicken Lake, there's got to be a lake!"

"Ain't nobody said it had to be a wet lake. We can paint the floor blue and tell everyone it's a lake."

"Ker-squa-buck!"

"Yeah. Let's do that."

 

 

"M-M-Miss Peckinpaw?"

"Yes, uh..."

"Cindi."

"Yes, Cindi?"

"Um, me and the girls were wondering if you could show us how to stand on claw... since you seem to know how to do it and all."

"...uh..."

"Miss Peckinpaw don't have time to show everyone her skills! We got a show to learn! Hop to it!"

"...Cindi, stop hopping."

"Sorry Miss."

 

 

"I dunno Berta. How can I teach these girls if I can't even do it myself?"

"Hey hey hey, you know what they say; if you can't, teach!"

"But I can't teach."

"Well that didn't stop you today, did it?"

"I don't think chickens can stand on claw..."

"I know my feet are crying from trying."

"Maybe we should lose the whole tall thing."

"Now you're thinking girl. We don't need to be like those sad-a*s swans. We can do all those spinny things down low! Damn is it late! I'm peckish, you peckish?"

"Ok, I'll start on the second act, you get us a scoop of grain."

"Scoop my a*s, I'm getting the whole damn bucket."

 

 

"Ok girls, good news! No one has to stand on claw today."

"Buckaw!"

"So instead we're going to learn how to pirouette. Line up and give me your best spin!"

"Shoulda seen that coming."

"I don't believe it. We could go into the records for fastest domino effect."

"Least you got them spinning. Hey look, there's one still standi-no, she's gone."

"Ok ladies, water break and we'll try again. This time I want one swingspan between each dancer. And break!"

 

 

"This is a disaster! Not one of them could stay upright!"

"You know why?"

"Swallow before you speak, Berta."

"It's cos they don't have no rooster there to hold them up. That's what the pros do. You don't see no lonely a*s swan spin across the stage, she's always got her man waiting with open wings!"

"But what about the chorus line?"

"Make them bob."

"I can't have bobbing in ballet!"

"Fine, jump, whatever. Point is, we need some roosters in there. I'm thinking we get the Bob 'n' Drop in ASAP."

 

 

"Alright ladies, we're onto the next stage. Dancing with partners. Say hello to the Bob 'n' Drop. They'll be working with us today."

"SQUA-buckbuck-backwaw-cluckluckcluck..."

"Ladies, please, calm yourselves. We're professionals, remember?"

"Now everyone grab a fine a*s and show them yours!"

"Berta! Ladies, select a partner and stand with your back to them. We're going to try pirouettes again."

"Girls, time to spin your butts off."

"Gentleman, hold your wins around each girl and keep her upright as she spins. Like you're embracing her."

"It's like trying to hold onto a damn spinning top. Look, there goes another pair!"

"Those two are doing ok."

"That's cos she keeps stopping every spin to fall into him 'accidentally'. ...Maybe I should try that."

"Wait, Berta, you can't jump in, you're my wingwoman!"

 

 

"Well I hope you're happy with yourself."

"Damn girl, can't you see by the smile on mah beak?"

"You were totally unprofessional today!"

"Oh shush. I spun, didn't I?"

"You knocked over three roosters!"

"And I landed on something soft. All's well that ends well."

"Unbelievable."

"Wasn't he? I can't wait for tomorrow's rehearsal."

"There's not going to be one."

"Say what? Girl you be tripping."

"What's the point Berta? Can't stand on claw, can't piroutte, can't leap. We hafta face it. Chickens can't do ballet."

"Who says we can't leap?"

"Berta. Jump for me. That says we can't leap. You barely cleared the floor."

"So? Me, I'm made for bouncing. Checkit."

"Hey, you actually get decent air when you do that."

"Damn straight."

"That's it! Berta, I know how we’re going to do this!"

 

 

"Ok ladies, one more time. Across to the grain, scratch the floor, scratch the floor, peck two three four, turn to check no one's stealing it, and fluff! Bigger! Someone's taking your grain, you wanna look as big as possible! Beautiful! And bounce! Bounce! Bounce! Now wing out and sweep away like your best friend just said that colour doesn’t suit your comb! Amazing!"

"Hey, that looked pretty good! Did you see that one near the end? Talk about attitude!"

"I think we can actually make this work! Ladies, this is it. We are doing Chicken Lake!"

 

 

"Woah, big crowd tonight. I think I saw a fox."

"Don't scare the girls Berta."

"Kidding, kidding. Definitely saw a swan though."

"Good, we'll show them how it's really done. Now ladies, tonight is the night. You've all worked hard. Now it's time to show those swans what it means to be real dancers! Go out and show them your stuff!"

 

 

"Uh oh."

"What do you mean, uh oh?"

"We just lost one."

"What?"

"Just there. Fell over the stage."

"...We can carry on without her."

 

 

"Mmm."

"What's mmm mean?"

"You know that gorgeous hunk of a rooster I kinda went splat onto at last night's rehearsal? I think he's lost. He kinda just standing there, blinking."

"Tell the girls to circle around him and point a wing. The show must go on!"

 

 

"...why are they laughing? This is the big finale! Tammy does twenty spins! They shouldn't be laughing."

"Maybe it's the way she's stretching her neck out to try look like a swan?"

"Oh d****t, I told her to think chicken!"

"Gotta admit, it looks pretty funny. Up, down round round, up down, round round..."

"And what's Betti doing? And Bessie? They're all doing it now!"

"Maybe they all wanted to do the finale."

"But they look ridiculous!"

"Wait wait, they've all started bobbing now. Here come the roosters. Wing, wing, spin, wing, snooty look, step away STEP AWAY-"

 

 

"Ow. What hit me?"

"Just half the cast. We really should enter the record for the domino effect."

"Did I miss much?"

"Just a few minutes. Thought I better wake you. They're calling for the director."

"What? No, I don't want to go out there and be laughed at!"

"Tough. Let's go Pols!"

"They're... cheering."

"People do that when you give them something good."

"But it was a mess!"

"A funny mess. Look, that guy has tears of laughter!"

"But... this was supposed to be serious, like the swans..."

"Oh suck it up. We're chickens. Born chicken, die chickens. The bit inbetween is for bobbing and we're stars at that! Now bob!"

 

 

"Miss Peckinpaw, that was marvellous, simply marvellous!"

"You were the audition guy..."

"Monsieur Manswill, at your service. Tonight's performance was an utter delight! Such gripping satire! I've never laughed so hard at my own production!"

"Satire? Oh yes, well, why compete when you can poke fun?"

"Indeed! And what fun was poked! Oh, those necks stretches at the end. Utter genius!"

"Well, thankyou. I'm glad you enjoyed it."

"Oh I did, and rest assured, this is going to get rave reviews! You'll be a full house for weeks!"

"Weeks?"

"Of course, dear girl. The show must go on!"

 

 

"Hey Berta?"

"Yeah?"

"You know how tonight was a total mess and no one could anything?"

"Yeah?"

"Think we could do that every night for the next three weeks?"

"Oh, I think we can manage that."

"Good. Tell the girls to gather for rehearsal tomorrow as usual."

"Where are you going?"

"To dance Chicken Lake."

 

 

"You're not half bad, you know."

"How long have you been standing there?"

"Long enough. Pity about your stature. You'd have made a fine swan."

"Well, thankyou. But I'm not very good on water."

"But you're wonderful on land. Perhaps we could open a new production for land-fowls. We could hold auditions for 'The Nutcracker.' What do you say?"

"I say: when do we start?"

 

 

"Mum, I had a dream last night. There was music playing and a huge stage. A white swan danced and twirled and leaped across the stage. Then a chicken swept her way across and bobbed underneath her outstretched wing. It was beautiful mother."

"Don't be silly dear. Swans don't dance with chickens. Have you fed your brothers and sisters?"

"Not yet mum. But listen! I did it mother. Chickens can bob the ballet."

"Don't be silly dear, that's not ballet! It's not graceful or classical or beautiful! It's a bunch of chicks bobbing in a line!"

"Yes mum. I'm a chicken, and chickens bob in lines. It's what we're good at. And you know what? I'm proud of that."

“Good! I’d rather a chicken for a daughter anyway over a swan.  Now help me feed your siblings.”

Author's Note

This was my answer to harrowing tale that was Black Swan. The comedy of chickens trying to perform Swan Lake! A silly scrpt for a goofy animation.