Fault Lines

Guilt can be earth shattering...

Fault Lines

 

It’s all my fault

All my fault

My fault

What have I done to them

To their futures

What have I brought

Into their lives

A blast from the past

A mother that left me

Us

In this place

For whatever reasons she had

If any at all

When we were children

So many truths exposed

From that time

In an earth-shattering suddenness

Yet with the way they clash

Someone must be lying…

I wanted to know those truths

And I walked a fine line

To find some answers

How selfish of me!

Not to think of the effect

It might have on them

The lines Fate drew

Were crossed

As if they were always meant

To be crossed

No matter how carefully I tiptoed

And yet

I still hate what it could do

To them

The only person I can blame

Is myself

This is what you get

When you try to walk

On Fault Lines

Author's Note

What do you think? Honesty is the best policy!!!

Reviews

[hellstorm.338]

i like it. it shows a lot of heart.

[Elizabeth Porterfield]

Thanks:) I'm glad you see it:)

[Dean Kuch®]

This is a poetic portrait of self awareness and the realizations that comes from seeking answers you may not want to find. I love the analogy you use here, comparing the devastating effects of your decision to tread that dangerous, perilous line with that of a fault line in the earth. fault lines of both kinds cause massive devastation, pain, and even death at times.
You've given us all a brilliantly written yet eerie little warning here. Be careful what you wish for. You just might get it...

[Elizabeth Porterfield]

Thank you for the review:) I'm glad you like it:)

[James Hanna-Magill]

Dear Amenti

High time I said hello and reviewed more of your writing.

Thank you also for your kindness towards me.

I had a lot of strong material to pick from. But I plumped for this for a variety of reasons, its title and then on opening it its underlying meaning wherein I see an immediate spark of recognition.

I need not explain how I review as you will know already. But it is often in depth, long and will always provide the writer from me as one reader my personal immediate reaction.

And so to my review.

Structure: One twenty eight line stanza.

Rhymes: Few. And if there are any be they internal or external, they are sporadic and apparently not deliberate. No cause for concern anymore than structure. This is a form of unique free verse. Poetry can be expressed in multiple ways. It is boundary free. That is one of its chief merits.

Rhythm and metre: All your lines are short, where the shortest is one and the longest is six words. The average however is four or five. The consistent brevity of the lines gives its own satisfying beat.

Punctuation: You do not punctuate at all and you consistently use capital letters at the beginning of each line. There is a constant in this part of your writing, which I find stylish.

Before coming on to meaning and personal impact, let me focus beforehand on the following:

Favourite lines:

The first:

'It’s all my fault
All my fault
My fault'

With a title of 'Fault lines', you hit the reader with the key word 'fault' repeated three times. But what you also do here, is take each line and abbreviate it further until you rest on the blunt 'My fault'

Next:

'When we were children
So many truths exposed
From that time
In an earth-shattering suddenness
Yet with the way they clash
Someone must be lying…'

In the bleakest of ways you start by talking about 'truth' but end up talking about potential 'lie's. You beg the question, wherein lies the difference? Or is there any as truth can at times only be individual at times.

What is truth for someone may be a lie for another. An easy example? Someone may say to another 'I love you' and mean it, whilst the recipient may not believe that given the way the other behave towards them.

Next:

'And I walked a fine line
To find some answers
How selfish of me!
Not to think of the effect
It might have on them'

Here you seem to express the tightrope we all walk in life between doing the wrong thing or the right thing. But how does anyone define those terms. Again they may be only a matter of perception. To look at my own truth in this poem it seems to me you blame yourself for seeking to find the truth as it has consequences, you fear, for others.

The delicacy of truth is that it can as easily comfort and help as harm. Example? 'I don't like you' It may be a truthful part of your perception but in being so self honest you may be harming the other by what they perceive as insult.

And so to your final lines:

'The only person I can blame
Is myself
This is what you get
When you try to walk
On Fault Lines'

One fascinating and artful aspect of these lines is the last one, where you simply play back the title to the reader. But the overwhelming sensation is one of self-loathing, of hatred of self and that ever so important notion we all may at times carry round with us the notion of GUILT, which picks up the notion in the quote underneath the title 'Guilt can be earth shattering'

Meaning and impact: Other than that quote, the title and words, there is nothing to go on to divine the meaning of this poem.

Where does my personal difficulty lie in seeking your meaning?

What do you feel guilty about and in relation to whom?

Clues lie in your words 'The mother that left me' and 'When we were children'.

It seems to me that you may be talking about the notion you feel of guilt in relation to the divorce / separation of your parents; continuing that notion it may be you consider yourself being the abused becoming the abuser in trying to establish why your mother did whatever she did to you as if co-conspirators.

That is as far as I can get in my personal take on this poem.

As truth is a relative concept, let me give you my version of the truth. It is often apparent to me that children feel guilt at the separation of their parents simply because they are their children. Therefore in some small way, we are caught in the cross-fire and instead of feeling a victim, we turn the guilt upon ourselves, when actually we are guilt free.

A child's mere existence is not the child's fault. You didn't decide to be born. Rather your parents gave birth to you.

So if you personally harbour such beliefs, I would ask you graciously to leave any sense of guilt behind. You are an innocent bystander in this equation.

However much your guilt may be misplaced, when guilt is appropriate it at least proves we have a conscience and are human. It is the stuff of serial killers that they do not.

If I look at my life closely, I see that I carry around with me endless notions of guilt which may or may not be misplaced.

In illness (as bipolar) since the age of 45 (now 53) I have done many cruel things to many people, whereas my life was relatively blameless before. In mania, I was and still am capable of not only destroying my own life but that of others and my own relationships.

To this day I can say to myself that my illness explains those anti-social actions which were never part of me before and are not who I really am. But still I do not find that my illness excuses me.

As I was undiagnosed bipolar for a year (2007) and mismediacted, I gained a criminal record of three cautions, minor infringements of the law' but still a world where my illness explained and did not excuse my actions.

Oddly there was further more serious event in illness where I was taken to court, when my behaviours were even more appallingly exaggerated, but where the court let me off on the grounds of diminished responsibility.

But above all, and getting closer to your point, I have so many long term relationships behind me, which I perceive to have been broken by my at times wild behaviours. Those may be the result of the illness but I was punished for my poor behaviour in divorce and break-up including financially.

There is a statistic that stands though, which is that relationships the bipolar have with their partners are three to four times more likely to break up relative to the rest of the population.

There too a sense of guilt resides.

But many have said to me my illness does excuse my actions. Were I to believe that and I still struggle, I would not feel so guilty.

But still I would have to retain one other sentiment, that of regret at what a disease inherited at birth can do to destroy my own and others lives.

My position I consider more complex than yours.

However like you, I think it is time we dropped our sense of guilt over things over which neither had control.

You wished my personal reaction to your poem and I have just given it to you.

A thought provoking and well written piece.

I hope this helps.

Your friend

James

[Elizabeth Porterfield]

Thank you James for such a thorough review:) You were right that I have felt guilt in the matter of my parents divorce, many a times I have felt I was at fault. I thank you very much for sharing with me your similar situation, although I do agree that your position is probably much more complicated than mine. But the issue behind this piece was actually the fact that because I tried to find out why my mother left after their divorce and to get in contact with my mother after around ten years of not seeing nor hearing from her, my father gained her information and put her in court for not paying child support. This in itself is no great deal, but in return, my mother began a lawsuit against my father, saying that he had kept her away from us all this time. As a result, my mother could end up with custody of me and the three sisters of mine who share her as a mother. I would not mind this for myself, as I was the only one who wanted to know what really happened all those years ago, but I know that my sisters would hate it, as they feel they hate her for what she did. I don't want them to have to go there; I know they won't be happy there. This is the fault with which I currently am struggling. The fact that my stepmother blames me as well doesn't really help, but it's something I have to deal with. Again, I thank you for your lovely and very in depth review, and I am quite glad that you enjoyed the piece:)

[James Hanna-Magill]

Oh no Amenti!

How unutterably awful all this must have been and continue to be for you.

We should talk.

If you wish drop me a mail here.

I am worried about you.

Your friend

James

[Rekain]

I think there be issues that need resolvin'. Two things: one, I love the font; two, don't...blame...yourself. It only leads to self doubt which can kill.

[Elizabeth Porterfield]

Yes indeed there be issuse that need resolving:) I'm glad you like the font, but how can I do anything but blame myself if I brought the situation upon us all?