An Evening with Friends and Family

Credit to KCthelastboyscout for putting this idea out there..

 An Evening with Friends and Family

I am…

Waltzing up the Garden Path
Smelling Roses and Lilies
Grasses and Trees

I find…

Brighter colour more strong!
Pavers crisp and leaf free
Picturesque as ever before.

I know…

Walls and windows
shadowed with Hands,
silhouettes of hammers with nails

I see…

Table justly adorned,
Favourites of all kinds!
a Party, made for.. me? 
Food warm though I am late

I note…
One stool remains,
tall and wooden strong
Central to position around all

A house of my youth,
People most loved,
How Joyous that we should meet again!
On Earth, why did you find you way here?

I feel…

To me again I find you all, 
best friends united,
Oh Happy day!

Though your eyes do not glitter,
and your hair has no shine,
no words do your lips utter?

I look…

In the looking glass,
My eyes do not glint,
my hair does not shine
and my lips frozen blue.

 

I learn…

A thick muggy fog
dancing around this place,
eerily humming
and warming to allude
Trying to avoid truth;

I am passed to
another worldly dimension,
Here shall I stay.
Laughing through tears,

that pass through to the ground.

I am here,

again,

at the End.

Who knew?

Author's Note

An idea proposed by KC, input from KC as well. I enjoyed stepping out of my comfort zone to write unspontaneously! Thanks for the prompt KC :)

Reviews

[Tabby Mac]

Great piece guys!! I love the imagery. Very well done. The end was surprising but, all led up to it perfectly. The beginning is almost mystical and dream like...and easy to relate too...it took me to my own past dimension. Well done! Love it!!
Tabby

[Isabella Disney]

Thank you for your kind words Tabby! Glad to hear the dream feel came across :) :)

[Tabby Mac]

My pleasure!
Tabby

[GwenLark]

This caught me totally off-guard. Simply wonderful. What an ending!

[Coyote Poetry]

A amazing poem. You told a true story. Life passes quickly and we can miss things if we don't look and pay attention. Nice flow of thoughts led to perfect question at the ending. Thank you Isabella for sharing the amazing poetry.
Coyote

[KWP]

Hi Guys,

Nice collaboration. I feel however that you basically tell the readers exactly as it happens and this has an effect of not allowing the readier to sink within. Consider understanding the difference between telling and showing - if you show us we get the opportunity to see, feel, taste, touch and hear what's going on, it you tell us we miss out on the 'immersion'

a tiny example ..

I look…
In the looking glass,
My eyes do not glint,
my hair does not shine
and my lips frozen blue.

through the looking glass
where all should shimmer
eyes glazed as clouds roll in
hair dull like a sunless sky
lips taken the shade oceans Artic

this line

is like the pivotal line in the poem

best friends united,

and that's how you describe the scene? To be truthful, there was no impact where there should have been - tell me - what happened when these two were united?

Did their hearts meld into one?
Did they embrace so long it lasted all summer?
Did their exchanging touch electrify? I have no idea - this is your job as poets to tell us.

I would also get rid of the first line of each stanza - they are the most 'telling' of all.

You could spend more time on this and make it truly ethereal - but this is a good first draft X

[Isabella Disney]

Thank you for your words of construction KWP.. Though this was written with a story-telling purpose;
Perhaps if this was a spontaneous write, we would see more of a mystery element incorporated.. I did step out of my comfort zone with this one here!

One of few poems I've had 'tasked' to me, so your feedback means lots - I can't learn to be better without advice eh! Who knows, in time I may come back to this and recreate.. only time shall tell!

Thanks for your time, KWP. Your thoughts are appreciated :)

[KWP]

If it was written with a story telling purpose then the review means exactly the same - why don't you google 'show don't tell' I guarantee it will lift your writing to new heights x