Final Breakdown

This is about how I was feeling some time ago, and what I wished for. But it also can be taken very general and also discribes alot of other people I know.

Final Breakdown

 

 

I see you standing in the rain,

An even darker shadow then the others in the stormy night.

I try to reach you, but it’s in vain.

You tell me that everything’s alright,

But I can see it in your eyes,

Inside you froze,

You’re telling me lies.

Not one among the crowd knows,

How you lose up your ties.

 

Hurt and betrayal have made you to this.

You’ve gotten cold and alone inside.

Don’t you see it for what it is?

Stop telling me and yourself that you’re alright!

Your slowly break,

Why won’t you talk.

I want to get you inside awake.

Away you walk,

And live on with this lies.

 

I see you sitting on the floor,

Crimson flowing from you like red smoke

I’m standing shooked in the door,

My fears for you you stoke.

Youre getting cold,

But inside you long ago froze.

You look to old.

Not one among the crowd knows,

How you slowly die.

 

Fight and giving up on you have made you this.

You’ve gotton stuck in your personal myseryland.

Don’t they see it for what it is?

And now you try to put this to an end?

Why do you give up on me and you,

I wanted to give you hope,

But you blocked me out through.

You got caught in your own net of rope.

And now I noticed that you long ago died.

 

And now I’m standing at your grave,

The grave of you soul.

And on and on you rave,

You’re still acting you’re ‘all is fine’ role.

I’m waiting for your final breakdown,

That you cry, scream and talk,

Why won’t you simply shout me down?

Away you try to walk.

But I stop you...

 

...And now..now you finaly have the breakdown for which I was waiting..

you cry, scream and talk.

Do you finaly see that I want put you into a lower rating?

Finaly you see I wont let you go alone that walk..

Reviews

[Mary E. Green]

I liked the wording and imagery. Very nice.

[Shane Patrick]

almost as if it was a nightmare, and I needed awakened from it, very nice, the guy below me ripped on the gramatics so I will save that, I like the idea of the hurtfulness of this piece its shows vulnerablity..
Hurt and betrayal have made you to this.
You�ve gotten cold and alone inside.
Don�t you see it for what it is?
Stop telling me and yourself that you're alright!
Your slowly break,
Why won�t you talk.
I want to get you inside awake.
Away you walk,
And live on with this lies.
this stanza is perfect in its description... I love this part of it, very well done!!

[Alex Alberti]

Okay, I'll start with what I don't like, then to what I do like.

You had a few grammatical errors sprinkled in. For example: Stop telling me and yourself that your alright!

It should be "you're" alright, but I saw you use it correctly, so I know you know how to use it.

Another thing was your rhyme scheme. It was a little bit confusing. You went from ABABA to just randomly rhyming couplets. Now, the rhyme scheme is of course your preference, so this was just a subjective comment.

Now: onto what I did like.

I really liked the wording and imagery. One of my favorite lines is: Crimson flowing from you like red smoke.

I love it.

I also enjoyed the line breaks. Structured, but, at the same time, unstructured. Very cool.

All in all, a pretty good poem.