What Happens Next?

'Life is so precious
You've only got one shot
One shot.
And after that'
Mother says while gulping a sip of beer down her throat
'And then
It's all over,'

I lie on my bed, upset.
Wondering
Then what?
I want,
I have to ask her...
But I know she won't know
Won't we ever know
What happens next?

Reviews

[scatterbrain]

my reaction to this poem: meh.

it really doesn't draw me in, though what's being written about is VERY interesting. afterlife, yes? it's great... but the mother drinking the beer is completely unnecessary. it adds absolutely nothing.

what you need is some sort of comparison here, sort of how poems compare love to sharing a house, or comparing hope with the first glint of sunlight in the morning, or comparing death to coffins. understand? the poem feels more like a passing thought, rather than an actual evaluation on this philosophical concept.

and paralleling that "life is so precious" with a mother who is drinking beer... the connection doesn't hit home for me.

with all of that said, your actual writing is great. punctuation, word choice... it's all pretty good. there isn't much to judge here, but you've done well getting this first draft as it is! put this on the shelf and think about how you can connect a girl thinking about the afterlife, to the actual afterlife. maybe you can express whatever directions to the afterlife there may be. is it Heaven? or is it a spaceless white void? or is it rebirth as a beetle? or it could even be re-living the same life over and over again. there are so many implications of the afterlife, but you hit on none of them.

i hope i've helped :) i'd love to hear what you think of my comment. good luck Eliza!