Finding Yorself

A Story by Elisha

Riley is a twenty-six year old screw up. She lives at home, and nothing fun or interesting ever happens to her. But, her decision to study abroad in Greece thrusts her into a mysterious adventure

Chapter 1

Being in your mid-twenties and living with your mom is depressing. I’d always thought by this time in my life I’d be working full time in the career of my dreams with my hottie of a husband and living in our dream house. Though, it seems, that things don’t always go as planned. Nothing in my life has ever gone the way I’d dreamed it to be. I never got hit on by the hottest guy in school, though every single teen romance novel I read said I would. I never suddenly became popular, or had a million facebook friends who all strived for my attention. I never became famous for a great piece of art, or having a beautiful face, and no one ever saw me as a potential lead singer for their up and coming punk rock band. These are the dreams that came and went without any spec of reality. So I don’t know why I thought my serious life goals would be anything different.

I don’t feel twenty six. I feel twenty one, or nineteen, but definitely not twenty six. I live with my mom for Christ sake, what self-respecting twenty six year old lives with their mom? In the basement like some dirty rotten step child. With the bugs! And the laundry room. It’s cold and musty and no one ever even comes down here. Except for me, because this is where I live. I know at this point I am just wallowing in self-pity, but sometimes a girl has to feel sorry for herself about how s****y her life has turned out to be. Old, no boyfriend, no kids, no perfect job, and no house of her own.

I’ve been searching for myself for years. I still haven’t found her. What do I want to do? Shouldn’t I know that by now? I know I want to do something I love, but who knows what things they love to do? I mean, seriously, who knows exactly what makes them happy? Aristotle claims that the highest good is happiness, that is, the one thing everyone strives for, but he also says no one really knows what that is �" or really that no one can agree on what it is. He thinks he knows, but his work is so goddamn confusing that it makes my brain hurt just thinking about it, let alone try to actually grasp what happiness is. I can’t even figure myself out, so I don’t know what makes me think I’d be able to get Aristotle. At this point I know my life is horrible, and I’ll never be happy.

***

I just recently started college again. I feel so old. These young kids walking around laughing and talking about getting their older friends to buy them booze or driving the Pennsylvania to get fake IDs. Being bummed out about how their parents won’t give them more money, or the fact that their roommate is so messy. How much they miss high school and what they wore to their prom. It’s been eight years since I’ve been in high school, I can’t even remember what I did last week, let alone what I wore to f*****g prom. I know I should go into this with an open mind, but it’s so hard. They all get on my nerves too much to actually attempt to be friendly. I’m banking on someone befriending me, that way I don’t actually have to put too much effort into it.

It’s Monday morning, and my eight AM class makes me want to poke my eyeballs out. The professor drones on about something I don’t care about, and all I can think of is how warm my electric blanket made my bed feel, and obviously how I’d much rather be there. My thoughts take me to the dreams I had the night before, and I try very hard to remember them. There was something about a magic pot leaf and some munchkins. The people, not the donuts. I spent the whole class, about seventy five minutes, attempting to recall the particulars of my dream. Thankfully, though, the professor didn’t call on me, and I looked deep enough in thought to pass for paying attention.

I had about two hours between classes, and I decided to go to the library and get caught up on the reading I didn’t feel like doing for my classes later on. I pulled out my phone and checked my messages �" none. Wow, I am so popular. I have so many friends that my phone is always blowing up with texts that I can’t even get to reading them all! /end sarcasm. Okay, so I am super lame, but who else isn’t…right? I look around me and almost no one is walking alone. If they are walking alone they’re on their phones probably talking to their besties, or their boyfriends/girlfriends, and making plans for the weekend. You know what my plans are? Nothing. Well, I might wash my hair. Or pluck my eyebrows.

I put my phone away, I know no one is going to text me. I don’t know why I even bother with a phone. It’s not like people are dying to reach me. I have yet to make friends at school and I’m nearly half way through the semester. I barely have any friends outside of school, and the people I work with are old. Okay, I know this is getting bad, my wallowing, but I can’t help it. I’m in a funk, a serious funk where all I want to do is feel bad for myself, eat peanut butter, and drink wine. Every goddamn day.

The sound of everyone’s happiness is making me sick, so I look through my bag to find my headphones, which is actually really difficult to do while walking. Did I mention that I’m extremely clumsy and can barely chew gum and walk at the same time? I finally find my headphones and attempt to pull them out without pulling everything else out of my bag, except before I can get them all the way out, I crash into someone. I look up and in to the eyes of my super-hot philosophy professor. Before I can fall back onto my a*s, he grabs my waist and sturdies me. He smiles. I think I am smiling too, but I can’t tell because he is too cute and I am in a daze.

His hands are still on my waist. Then realizes this fact and pulls them away suddenly, “Oh, sorry.”

“It’s okay,” I say in what I hope is a very cool and poised tone.

“Yea, well, see you in class…” His face is blank and I can tell he is searching for my name.

“Riley.”

“Riley, yes. Well, I’ll see ya. ” He smiles again, and walks away.

So my day is officially ruined. My thoughts are now consumed with my professor, and his hands on my waist, and his cute scruffy face, and that gorgeous smile. I should have been watching where I was going, and none of this would have happened. I wouldn’t be thinking of ripping his clothes off, or all the dirty things I’d like to do to him. I wouldn’t be sitting in his class, undressing him with my eyes. No, I would just be sitting here, pretending to care about Plato, or Aristotle and what they thought about a bunch of s**t I don’t particularly care, or even think, about. In fact, I might be attempting to actually learn! Who knew that’s what people did in school, you know, learn…maybe I should try it. Instead, I am day dreaming about sexing up my professor and him really, really enjoying it. I wonder what his face looks like when he cums, or how big his dick is. I’m glad people can’t actually hear my thoughts, they would be thoroughly disturbed.

I catch him looking at me. Our eyes lock, and thankfully I am actually listening right now, because if I was thinking about his dick, I would be very embarrassed, and almost convinced that he knew what I was thinking. He gives me a quick smile and then continues on with his lecture. I can tell this s**t really interests him because he gets so excited when he talks about it. Man, he really has some nice hands. Very smooth, I wonder what they’d feel like against my chest. Or any part of my body for that matter. I have to stop. Seriously.

He dismisses the class, and I pack my s**t up really slowly. Not necessarily on purpose, but mostly. Almost everyone has left, but he’s still there at the front of the class talking to a few students. I begin to walk down the aisle as the kids he was talking to leave. I turn to walk past him, and he grabs my arm. I look down, and then back up at him, and he sort of realizes that was inappropriate and quickly lets me go. “Hey, Riley, so,” he scratches his head, obviously searching for something to say, “What did you think about class today? This is my first semester teaching and I’d really like to get some feedback.”

S**t. I don’t know how much I actually listened, I think we talked about Plato…yes, Plato. What did he like again? S**t, s**t s**t! “Oh,” I said coolly, “Yea, I loved it. Plato, you know, he’s a real interesting dude. His writings are…fantastic, and you explain it so well.” Good, that was some good bullshit.

He smiles, and c***s his head to the side, “We talked about the Stoics today, and their thoughts about the criterion of truth.”

S**t. “Oh yea. Uh. Right.”

“It’s that boring huh?”

“No, I mean, sometimes, but no, I really do find it all really interesting. I was just, preoccupied today. Sorry.”

“It’s okay, but make sure you do pay attention. It’s about to get really tough, and I want to make sure everyone gets it.”

“For sure, but I’m not gonna lie, this philosophy stuff makes my brain hurt.”

He laughed. I made him laugh (!!), he has such a cute laugh. “Yes, it does that for me sometimes too, but if you ever need help just let me know. Like I said, I really want everyone to do well, and I’m willing to do whatever I can to help.”

I look at my phone and realize I’m about to be late for my next class, and we’re still standing in his class which is on the other side of campus. He must realize this too. “S**t, you must have a class, sorry for keeping you here. Where you going?”

“Over to the B-building,” I say as we walk down the hall and outside.

“Yea? I’m going to A. Do you mind walking together?”

“Only if you promise to walk fast enough so I won’t be late.”

He laughs again. I made him laugh again (!!). “I am a pretty fast walker without even trying so I think I’ll be okay.”

“Good.”

“What are you studying?”

“Ancient History,” I said sounding almost embarrassed.

“That’s awesome. I minored in Ancient History at Columbia,” He said as we climbed the stairs to where the B building was. The campus was actually pretty beautiful. Trees lined the walk ways, and the buildings were old and full of history. The scenery was what drew me to this school in the first place, second to the fact that it was a good school for good money.

“You went to Columbia? Wow, how was living in New York? I’ve always wanted to live in New York.”

“It was okay. I’m originally from a small town outside of Chicago so I’m used to the city, but I prefer life at a slower pace. I like it here though. Maryland is a great mixture of city life and country life. Are you from here?”

I was really starting to enjoy his company. Not only was he quite good looking, but he was smart, and he seemed like he was interested in me. Yet, he was my professor, and he was probably just being nice. He can’t like me. I’m a student, and he’s a teacher. I tried hard to push the thoughts of lust out of my mind and focus on making enough small talk until we reached our respective destinations. “Yea. Well, I’ve lived in Maryland most my life, but I was born in Upstate New York and moved here when I was like five. So, nonetheless, I guess you could say I am from here. I love cities though, I’ve always wanted to live in one. And what better place than New York right?”

“Well I guess. But, don’t under estimate Maryland Riley, it’s actually a pretty great place.”

“If you say so. Don’t get me wrong, I love Maryland, it’s my home, but, wow, New York, now that’s a place.”

He slowed his pace a bit, and I realized we were standing out front the B building. “Well, we’re here, you better get to class,” He said showing me his pearly whites. God, his smile was brilliant. His teeth were straight enough, but with a little character. And his lips, they were definitely kissable. The scruff on his chin was just enough to be sexy, and his blue eyes felt like they could pierce my soul. I noticed the tip of a tattoo sticking out the top of his shirt on his collar bone. I wonder what it was of. I’d be sure to add that to my sexy day dream scenarios �" the one where I undo his shirt and trace his tattoo with my tongue.

“Yea,” I checked my phone. Only two minutes to get there. I could do that. “Hey, thanks for walking with me. And I’ll let you know if I have any notes on your performance as a lecturer. I’ll at least try not to fall asleep.” I winked, and he smiled.

I tried my best not to look back as I rushed to my class. I could feel his stare boring into my a*s, but, that was probably only my imagination. I did sneak a peek as I opened the door to the building, and I was right. He was definitely checking me out. That thought made me knees get weak as I picked up the pace. One minute and I’d be late, but it was definitely worth it.

Chapter 2

I couldn’t stop thinking about my professor. His first name was quite unfortunate, and I felt thoroughly bad for him. I preferred to call him by the name I made up for him �" James. He definitely looked like a James, and Jameses were very fun people, well, at least that was what I heard when I proceeded to tell my friends about it. My friend Maggie said that James was a strong name, and that as soon as she stated to call her cat James he could jump a lot higher. Julie said that all the Jameses she knew were horny b******s, but they also went by Jimmy and not James so maybe that didn’t count. I left out the fact that his name was not actually James obviously. I don’t think they would have understood.

Maggie, Julie and I were having a drink at a dive bar down the street from my house. It was Tuesday so the bar was pretty much empty, except for the drunks who frequented these type of bars every single day including holidays. And, I’m not talking about us. We only went there four out of seven days, so we were still not referred to as drunks…yet. “So what does James look like?” Maggie asked me.

“He’s very cute. Dark hair, almost black. His eyes are really blue, they almost creep me out, but in a good way, obviously. And he has a great smile.”

“Do you have a picture?”

“Uh, no. I don’t go taking pictures of random people Mag. Are you crazy?”

“Have you googled him?”

My face went red. OF COURSE I GOOGLED HIM! Who doesn’t? You have to make sure you know what people are up to, that is, to make sure they’re not some kind of crazy murder who is going to strangle you in your sleep or kill your cat. “No.”

She looked at me sideways. Maggie knew I was lying, but she let it go. Maggie and I had been friends since high school. One of the few people I actually kept in touch with. We were close, but she had a boyfriend and has recently been talking about marriage, and houses, and babies, and it was just all too much for me. “Well Rayne would love to meet him. You know he’s always bugging me about finding you a dude so he has someone to chill and watch sports with when I drag him to your house.”

“My mom likes sports.”

“Riley, seriously. Your mom is like fifty five and in love with porcelain dolls. You know that statement is just obviously false. She does not like sports. In fact, when he attempts to turn the TV to ESPN she insists he put on HGTV even though she isn’t even in the room!”

“She likes golf! That’s a sport.”

“For old people!”

“And the monetarily inclined.”

“And crusty old grandpas who touch you in your sleep,” Julie chimed in.

Maggie and I looked at her. “Gross,” we both said in unison. Then we all burst out laughing. I could tell something was bugging Julie. Besides the preceding comment she hadn’t said anything the whole night, and that was definitely not like her. Julie was a talker…and BIG talker. She loved talking and most the time you had to literally beg her to stop. I’m saying getting on your knees and begging because she just would NEVER shut up. So when she doesn’t talk, something is definitely wrong.

Maggie sensed it too, and asked, “Jules, what’s up with you tonight?”

I nodded, “Yea seriously, you haven’t said barely two words, and that is f*****g strange. Especially for you.”

Julie sighed. “I’ve been talking to this guy lately, that I met online, and I’ve been trying to get him to meet me, but it’s like whenever I bring it up, he changes the subject, or ignores me for a few days. I mean seriously, what is that about? Plus, that other guy I was talking to, Greg, he went bat s**t crazy on me for using his toothbrush when I stayed at his house last week. So, needless to say, my dating life is complete s**t.”

“At least you have a dating life! I haven’t even had a guy look in my direction let alone had sex in almost two months,” I said banging my fist on the table.

“Whatever Riley, guys look at you all the time, you’re just too picky. He doesn’t have a college degree,” she said in a voice mocking of my own, “His eyes are too buldgy. His feet are too small. His back is too hairy. He lives with his mom! You are never satisfied. So don’t sit here and complain about how you don’t have a dating life. That is your choice!”

She was right. I was picky. But, I just didn’t see the point in wasting my time with dudes that weren’t right for me. I was getting old! Passing my prime! And I couldn’t let some unworthy guy use up what was left. “Okay, okay. You’re right. But, seriously Jules, don’t let them get to you. It’s probably a good thing you didn’t meet him. He’s probably some creepy old guy with a weird handle bar mustache that wears socks with sandals and eats peanut butter out of the jar. Well, actually that last one isn’t half bad.”

She giggled. I liked seeing her smile, she was definitely one of those people who could bring you down when she was sad because her whole aura changed. So making her smile helped everyone. “He’s probably like eight hundred pounds too,” Maggie said. “Listen Jules, it’s his loss okay. Don’t make this into what you did wrong. Because you’re a catch and any guy would be lucky to have you, and the ones who don’t want you aren’t even worthy enough in the first place.”

“Thanks Maggie. And Riley, you too. You guys really are the best. I don’t know what I would do without you two.”

We all looked at each other, and it hit me, these were the two people who I actually did want to spend the rest of my life with, these two really awesome chicks who completed me.

“So, I’ve been thinking about maybe doing study abroad,” I said carefully.

Maggie gave me a look. “Seriously? Where?”

“Greece.”

Chapter 3

I couldn’t tell my mom about my plans to go to Greece. First, she would never let me, and second she would think I was crazy. She doesn’t get it, none of it. She doesn’t understand why I want to study ancient history, or why it fascinates me at all. She’s just concerned with the piece of paper I’m paying an arm and a leg for, and what I’m going to be able to do with it when I’m done.

She and my dad married young. She had my brother right out of high school, and a few years later had me. She didn’t go to college, and frankly didn’t do very much with her life except for raising us kids. My brother has been long gone. He moved to California years ago, and has barely spoken to us since. My dad died about a decade ago, and since then it’s been just me and my mom. It was better before my brother left, but now she’s really up my a*s. He’s doing something with computers, making a name for himself, and me, I’m here, doing nothing. It’s really annoying to tell you the truth.

Regardless of what I do though, she’s only concerned with how much money I can make. We had enough to just get by, and she’s always said how much of a different life she wants for me. So when I told her what I had finally decided to do with my life, she was crushed. “Why don’t you do something with computers, or business? You can make much more doing that. Look at Steven, he’s making over six figures a year,” she’d say. I don’t want to be like my brother. I want to do something that fascinates me, excites me, encompasses my every being and makes me undyingly happy.

So when I first heard of the study abroad program from a chick in one of my classes, I knew it was for me. I researched it a little, and found Greece. It was perfect because it was relatively short (winter session) and headed by a professor in my department. Not only would I be taking classes in Greece but I would be participating in an archeological dig just outside of Athens. It was actually reasonably priced, and mostly covered by financial aid. Thankfully I found out about it early enough and was able to get into one of the last spots.

Now that my dream was becoming reality, I could no longer put off telling my mom. I thought telling Maggie was going to be tough because she absolutely hates change, but she took it a lot better than I thought she would. But telling my mom would be a whole different story. When I got home from the bar around midnight she was still up watching some documentary on Netflix about the dangers of processed food. The alarm beeped to signify the door opening and she looked up from the screen. “Hey honey, how was your night?”

I closed the door behind me and took off my jacket. “It was good, just went to the bar with Maggie and Julie. Had a few drinks.”

“Oh that’s nice. How are they?”

“They’re good. Maggie is still excruciatingly happy, and Julie is bummed about some guy.”

“Oh, well, I’m glad you have fun. Just be careful with the drinking and driving, okay.”

“I’m fine mom. I had like two beers and we ate some cheesy fries.”

“Alright, well, I’m just saying.”

She was already driving me mad, and I hadn’t even told her the news yet. I didn’t know where to start. I had found out about my acceptance into the program earlier today when I met with my advisor after my last class. I would be leaving in a few weeks, and I couldn’t really wait any longer to tell her. “So, mom,” I said taking a seat next to her on the couch, “I found something out today.”

She looked at me with concerned eyes. I probably shouldn’t have started it out like this. “Please don’t tell me you’re pregnant. Please, Riley, seriously. I don’t want to lecture you, but you really have to be careful. I know you’ve been seeing a lot of different men recently, and it’s your body, but you just have to take care of yourself. We don’t want any babies in this house, and you have school to think about too.”

Oh my god, seriously, that was definitely not the right way to start this. “No mom, I’m not pregnant.”

“Oh thank god. I’m not ready to be a grandma. Steven gave me a scare last Christmas when he brought home that girlfriend who had a kid. I’m so glad he kicked her to the curb.”

I never realized my mom hated kids that much, wow. “No, it’s a school thing. I was actually accepted into a study abroad program,” I said as her eyebrows raised, “and, so, I’ll be going to Greece for the winter break.”

I smiled, hoping to rub my excitement off on her. It didn’t really work as well as I had planned, actually, there was no plan, so maybe that’s why it sort of blew up in my face. She started to huff, or puff, I don’t know, and it seemed like her eyes were about to bulge out of her face, and then I kind of got a bit scared. I probably shouldn’t have gotten her riled up thinking I was pregnant.

“Riley May, no. You are not going to Greece!” She got up and started pacing around the living room.

“Mom, calm down. I am going to Greece. It’s already all set up. I leave a few days after the fall semester ends.”

“That’s only a few weeks from now Riley! Why didn’t you say anything sooner?”

“Because I knew you’d be pissed. This is my dream. I am dying to travel, and this program will be good experience for me.”

“So you’ll be gone for Christmas and New Year’s?” She looked sad. And it was killing me that she couldn’t be happy for me. I felt bad about being gone for the holidays, but I was meant to do this, and I couldn’t let anything hold me back.

“Yes, I’m sorry, but I am going. I need this in my life, I need to do this!”

She sat down next to me, wrapped her arms around me and pulled me into her chest. “I know, it’s just, Steven isn’t coming home this year for Christmas, and I don’t want to be alone.”

“You won’t be alone. I’m sure Aunt Dee is having something at her house you can go to. Or Grandma, she’d love to see you.”

“I know, but I won’t have my children!”

“I know,” I said, patting her on the head, “come on, let’s get you to bed.”

My mom went upstairs to her room as I turned the TV and all the lights off. “Goodnight mom,” I called up the stairs then headed down to my room. In a few short weeks I would be in Greece, enjoying my life and living the dream.

Chapter 4

The days were dragging a*s. My trip could not come soon enough, and I was dying inside counting the days. Finals were kicking my a*s, especially philosophy since I spent so much time in class day dreaming about my professor that there was little time left to actually learn. My other classes were easy enough, but I still could not stop thinking about my trip and how great it would be to meet a nice Greek guy and have him sweep me off my feet. I had about a week between finals and when I left which I spent shopping for some new clothes, and spending time with Maggie and Julie.

My mom and I went out to dinner the night before I left. She took me to this fancy restaurant where we had to get all dressed up, and the valet was free. I was surprised that she was going all out, and hopefully that meant she finally approved. Our dinner was fantastic, I had a sweet glazed Salmon and she had a chicken thing. We had wine and laughed and talked. As the night was coming to an end she said she had something for me.

“Riley, I know I freaked out when you first told me about your trip, and I just wanted to say that I was sorry. I know this is a good opportunity for you, and I’m really happy for you. I’m also really proud of the woman you have become.”

“Thanks, that really means a lot to me.”

She put her hand over mine and slipped something onto the table. It was an envelope with my name written on it in chicken scratch. It was definitely not her handwriting, which made me a bit nervous. “What is this?”

“It’s from your father.”

I picked up the envelope and stared at it for a bit. I was really very nervous to open it. I had tried very hard to not think about my dad every day, and for the past few years I had been doing a good job. I was afraid of what wounds this letter would open up, and I didn’t want to bawl my eyes out in the middle of this fancy a*s restaurant. “Mom, why are you giving this to me?”

“Your father told me to give it to you when I thought you were ready, and I think, finally you are.”

I opened the envelope and pulled out the letter inside it. I read it over, and over, and over.

Riley,

I hope you get this before you’re forty. If not, I obviously did something wrong. Don’t blame your mother, just blame me. I’m sorry I can’t be there for your wedding, or when you graduate college, but do know that I will always love you.

P.S. Please use this money for something constructive, I do not want you getting fake b***s, please.

Behind the letter was a check, a check for a hundred grand. My jaw dropped. “Mom, oh my god.”

“Now Riley, I want you to save most of it. But I thought maybe you could use some extra cash in Greece.”

I hugged her and started to cry. It wasn’t just the money, it was the fact that I could totally see him saying some bullshit like he did in his letter. It wasn’t long, or drawn out, it was just him, and for the first time I wasn’t sad when I thought of my dad, I was happy.

***

Maggie, Julie and my Mom drove me to the airport. It was cold as s**t, and there were people everywhere. They dropped me off out front, but didn’t see me to my gate. With all the new laws they wouldn’t have been able to get very far regardless and it’s quite expensive to park at the airport. Everyone got out to hug me good bye.

“Have a safe trip honey, I will miss you so much,” my Mom said as she kissed my cheek and drew me into a hug.

“I will miss you too.”

She let go and Maggie grabbed my arm, and then wrapped hers around me, “I love you jerk.”

“I love you too Mags.”

Julie joined in, and we all started tearing up. “You guys, seriously, it’s only like a month long. I’ll be back before you know it!

They nodded. Maggie hugged me one more time before getting back into the car. I waved as they drove off, and then turned to go inside. Out of the corner of my eye I spotted someone I recognized. He saw me too, and smiled.

“Hey, Riley, I didn’t know you were doing this study abroad,” James said as he came walking over towards me.

My jaw dropped. I didn’t remember seeing his name in the program information. I feel like I would have definitely remembered if I had. “Uh, yea. What are you doing here?”

“The assistant director dropped out at the last minute because she went into labor. I have been dying to go to Greece again so when they asked me I jumped on the opportunity.”

“Oh, that’s great.” It wasn’t great. Yes, he was a fine piece of man, but I really wanted to do some learning on this trip (except for the nights I spent dancing with random Greek men) and that would be very difficult with him here.