Her

A Story by Eliot Knight

The eyes of a lover exaggerate the apparent.

Her

He wrote her with subtle words- as if she were made to pass the world unnoticed. He disguised her with a cloak of mediocrity, which underneath lay a flame unkindled and untouched. It seemed to me as if he feared her fire- which if lit, could set the world ablaze.

Within her brewed a dream built on desire, transformed into the kind of blind ambition only those of valour are capable of achieving. Shackled by circumstance, she was haunted by the unforeseen. Crumbling at the eve of tribulation, she’d settle to dust by dawn- only to accompany the resurrecting sun.

Like a full moon on a cloudy night, she had an air of melancholic obscurity surrounding her that demanded attention without seeming desolate. A confounding paradox; the more she unravelled, the less you understood, if at all.

Dressed in a mother’s costume, she was fierce yet gentle; at war with the world, tough as nails, with hands of an artist. Made of sturdy convictions and an unrelenting fortitude- she was kind and compassionate. Her warmth could swallow the sun whole. Fragility that put all mirrors to shame, such was her demeanour.

What she safeguarded with her life- was herself. If you were ever so lucky to catch a glimpse of her heart, you’d spend eternity lusting to hold it.

© 2015 Eliot Knight

Author's Note

All correction of any grammatical or spelling errors are welcome.

How you felt after reading this piece, let me know :)

My Review

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Featured Review

Christopher Robin

OK! This is a really nice sentiment. some really beautiful metaphor work in there. It is however riddled with a host of minor problems and ambiguities. My red pen is here.

I would strongly recommend you read up on the use of a hyphen (in literature and poetry) as it often forms a much nicer beat than a comma, something I notice a lot of throughout the piece. The pace is all over the place. Alright here we go:

-'He wrote her', it's grammatically correct, but dated, people will tell you to say 'wrote to her' - tell them to read a book.

- 'with subtle words', a hyphen after this would create a perfect beat.

-'world unnoticed, disguised', That first passage is just so beautiful it should stand on its own. I would place a period (full stop) after 'unnoticed', then begin 'He disguised'. Having them all as one sentence is information overload, it's a much better flow if each metaphor is allowed to settle in the reader's mind before being served the next one.

- 'mediocrity underneath which lay', this is a strange one, 'underneath which lay' gives a position, but due to the placement it sounds like it gives position to the 'mediocrity' when you want it to give position to the 'flame', better structure would be 'mediocrity, which underneath lay a flame' or 'mediocrity - which underneath lay a flame'.

- 'It seemed to me', there's an odd perspective shift throughout the story, you flick from third person ('he wrote') to first person ('seemed to me') to second person ('you'd spend eternity'). Now 3rd and 2nd blend fine as it's an observational piece of prose, but having all three perspectives (unless that is the focus of the prose) seems jarring and a little confusing. As it's only one line, I'd remove the 1st person perspective completely, because you have 2nd person it's clear that you are the one making the observations. You can fix this simply by replacing 'It seemed to me' with 'It seemed'.

- 'he himself', this is sloppy writing (pronoun pronoun) and plenty of people fall into this trap. It is commonly used, but it is not correct. I know you want to give this sentence more dramatic weight, but this actually holds it up, stick with just 'he', it serves fine.

- 'her fire, if lit, would set', it's not universally true, but in this case the 'fire' needs a determiner, such as 'which'. Also a hyphen would serve here. Replace with 'her fire - which if lit, would set'.

- 'by dawn, only to' , hyphen, use 'by dawn - only to'.

- 'A confound paradox.....if at all.', firstly 'confound' is a singular verb, in relation to a paradox it needs to be 'confounded' or 'confounding', the latter serves best in this case. secondly you've got your semi-colon in the wrong position, a semi-colon should precede either an example or further detailed explanation. In this case, it should read 'A confounding paradox; the more she unravelled, the less you understood, if at all. As with many cases, the semi-colon here replaces the phrase 'in that' with a lovely little beat (pause).

- 'The best analogy...at war with', you've been using so many fantastic metaphors and analogies up to this point, to literally say 'the best analogy that comes to mind' feels lazy. Don't let the reader see you coming up with the idea, just show them the idea. Some suggestions:
"He found her most akin to a mother"
"Her constitution was closest to that of a mother"
"In all things she most closely resembled a mother" , something to that effect would serve much better, as it stands it reads like a yawn in the midst of such brilliant prose that the reader gets the feeling you're tired of trying to find ways to communicate the idea; if you sound bored, the reader is bored. Now the semi-colon after 'mother' is incorrect, in that what follows is not simply an elaboration, but an exact definition of the 'analogy' you're making reference to (the same would apply to each of my suggestions). You need a colon here instead, firstly because it's a specific definition, and because it begins a list. As for 'Fierce', you don't need a capital letter after a semi-colon or a colon. After 'fierce and gentle,' you would usually use a semi-colon rather than a comma, as you're elaborating on the idea of her being both fierce and gentle. However I'm a little confused here, because in the examples which follow, not one of them suggests anything gentle ('at war', 'tough as nails', 'strong as'). So this creates a bit of a problem, you certainly need that semi-colon, yet you also need to work in at least one example of something gentle. I understand that the more gentle side comes in the next sentence, but a semi-colon's rules only apply to the sentence it is in. This one was really tricky, so here's some suggestions:
"at war with the world as much as herself"
"tough as nails, chewed in anxiety"
"strong as an oak tree, giving shelter from the storm" , just off the top of my head, I'm sure you can come up with plenty more, but like i said, something needs to be in there to show the juxtaposition between 'fierce' and 'gentle'. And finally 'strong as an oak', - an oak what? Yes most people's minds would leap to an oak tree, but without the information, you might mean oak table, oak bench, oak desk. The point being that you're talking about the strength of the wood regardless, so simply 'strong as oak' serves fine and makes more sense (unless you replace it with one of my aforementioned suggestions or something new of your own).

- 'fortitude, she was' hyphen, use 'fortitude - she was'

- 'Fragility that would put a mirror to', slightly lazy writing, something like 'Fragility which put all mirrors to shame,' has slightly better flow and makes more sense for 'such was her demeanour'. Basically if you say 'such was' you're talking about something that definitely was, if you say 'that would put' you're talking about something that may happen given circumstance. Need to pick one and stick to it, hence my suggestion.

- 'What she safeguarded....and if you', this is too fast and needs a break, let the first idea sink in, a hyphen can help here too. Try 'What she safeguarded with her life - was herself. If you were'. It makes a nice break, and gets rid of a nasty 'and'.

Phew! That's grammar out of the way, now some general observations.

Notes:
- 'would set the world ablaze' is in reference to a fear, now here you have fear of potential vs. fear of eventuality, I find in most cases potential requires 'could' and eventuality requires 'would'. I think this is about potential, but there's nothing strictly incorrect about it, just something to consider.
- 'Shackled by circumstance, she was haunted by the unforeseen', very pretty, but without reference, we have no idea of the circumstance other than her being 'trapped'. Yet how can you be trapped by something you cannot see? Is it a prison in her mind? Do you want the reader to make this leap?
- 'demanded attention without seeming desolate' , desolate means 'barren' or 'empty'. Only someone really cynical would call someone demanding attention 'empty', it's not a common adjective associated with attention-seeking behaviour. Did you perhaps mean 'desperate' ? That is much more commonly attributed to attention seeking and would appear to make more sense in that she didn't seem desperate, rather than not seeming empty.

This woman is the most confounding paradox I've ever heard described. One minute she's crumbling to dust, the next she's tough as nails. She has the fragility of a mirror, yet the ability to set the world ablaze. I understand that you're talking about a multi-faceted individual with a range of characteristics, but some of these are just such polar opposites that the reader stops having their doubts about the woman's nature and starts to have doubts about the writer's ability to make accurate observations. If there was a set-up line somewhere in there about her being 'all things contrary' or 'everything she did contradicted the other' then it would make sense. Yet these are just flat observations, she is fire, she is ice, she is night, she is day. Philosophically speaking one cannot be both one and the other, therefore they are neither, but like I said, if the reader is given even the tiniest hint as to her inherent contradictory nature - then the wildly polarised observations don't seem so extreme. This is a personal feeling of mine and I doubt many readers will look into it that deeply, but if you're like me and you notice the parts as much as the sum, then this seems slightly uninformed.

As for your author's note, there are no spelling errors, you've used English (UK) spelling throughout so don't let the Americans tell you anything is incorrect.
I feel like I've met people like this, who by their very nature are impossible to describe, and perhaps that is what lays at the heart of this piece of writing. There are those for whom no words truly exist to capture their essence, they don't walk along the line between humanity and insanity, they dance along it and laugh at the joke of the universe impossible for our minds to comprehend. I feel sad that I may never understand people like this.

Now as you requested, I really went all out with this one. I understand having a piece of writing that means a lot to you and I hope some of the suggestions I've made can help. Trust me when I say I've read thousands upon thousands of pieces from people on this site, and I would not have bothered going in-depth if i did not believe this was a truly outstanding piece of work. You should really be proud of this one, you've come just about as close as I've seen to capturing the impossible - a dream all writers strive for. I look forward to the edited version.

Commendably and exquisitely well-penned,

- Christopher Robin

Posted 9 Years Ago

OK! This is a really nice sentiment. some really beautiful metaphor work in there. It is however riddled with a host of minor problems and ambiguities. My red pen is here.

I would strongly recommend you read up on the use of a hyphen (in literature and poetry) as it often forms a much nicer beat than a comma, something I notice a lot of throughout the piece. The pace is all over the place. Alright here we go:

-'He wrote her', it's grammatically correct, but dated, people will tell you to say 'wrote to her' - tell them to read a book.

- 'with subtle words', a hyphen after this would create a perfect beat.

-'world unnoticed, disguised', That first passage is just so beautiful it should stand on its own. I would place a period (full stop) after 'unnoticed', then begin 'He disguised'. Having them all as one sentence is information overload, it's a much better flow if each metaphor is allowed to settle in the reader's mind before being served the next one.

- 'mediocrity underneath which lay', this is a strange one, 'underneath which lay' gives a position, but due to the placement it sounds like it gives position to the 'mediocrity' when you want it to give position to the 'flame', better structure would be 'mediocrity, which underneath lay a flame' or 'mediocrity - which underneath lay a flame'.

- 'It seemed to me', there's an odd perspective shift throughout the story, you flick from third person ('he wrote') to first person ('seemed to me') to second person ('you'd spend eternity'). Now 3rd and 2nd blend fine as it's an observational piece of prose, but having all three perspectives (unless that is the focus of the prose) seems jarring and a little confusing. As it's only one line, I'd remove the 1st person perspective completely, because you have 2nd person it's clear that you are the one making the observations. You can fix this simply by replacing 'It seemed to me' with 'It seemed'.

- 'he himself', this is sloppy writing (pronoun pronoun) and plenty of people fall into this trap. It is commonly used, but it is not correct. I know you want to give this sentence more dramatic weight, but this actually holds it up, stick with just 'he', it serves fine.

- 'her fire, if lit, would set', it's not universally true, but in this case the 'fire' needs a determiner, such as 'which'. Also a hyphen would serve here. Replace with 'her fire - which if lit, would set'.

- 'by dawn, only to' , hyphen, use 'by dawn - only to'.

- 'A confound paradox.....if at all.', firstly 'confound' is a singular verb, in relation to a paradox it needs to be 'confounded' or 'confounding', the latter serves best in this case. secondly you've got your semi-colon in the wrong position, a semi-colon should precede either an example or further detailed explanation. In this case, it should read 'A confounding paradox; the more she unravelled, the less you understood, if at all. As with many cases, the semi-colon here replaces the phrase 'in that' with a lovely little beat (pause).

- 'The best analogy...at war with', you've been using so many fantastic metaphors and analogies up to this point, to literally say 'the best analogy that comes to mind' feels lazy. Don't let the reader see you coming up with the idea, just show them the idea. Some suggestions:
"He found her most akin to a mother"
"Her constitution was closest to that of a mother"
"In all things she most closely resembled a mother" , something to that effect would serve much better, as it stands it reads like a yawn in the midst of such brilliant prose that the reader gets the feeling you're tired of trying to find ways to communicate the idea; if you sound bored, the reader is bored. Now the semi-colon after 'mother' is incorrect, in that what follows is not simply an elaboration, but an exact definition of the 'analogy' you're making reference to (the same would apply to each of my suggestions). You need a colon here instead, firstly because it's a specific definition, and because it begins a list. As for 'Fierce', you don't need a capital letter after a semi-colon or a colon. After 'fierce and gentle,' you would usually use a semi-colon rather than a comma, as you're elaborating on the idea of her being both fierce and gentle. However I'm a little confused here, because in the examples which follow, not one of them suggests anything gentle ('at war', 'tough as nails', 'strong as'). So this creates a bit of a problem, you certainly need that semi-colon, yet you also need to work in at least one example of something gentle. I understand that the more gentle side comes in the next sentence, but a semi-colon's rules only apply to the sentence it is in. This one was really tricky, so here's some suggestions:
"at war with the world as much as herself"
"tough as nails, chewed in anxiety"
"strong as an oak tree, giving shelter from the storm" , just off the top of my head, I'm sure you can come up with plenty more, but like i said, something needs to be in there to show the juxtaposition between 'fierce' and 'gentle'. And finally 'strong as an oak', - an oak what? Yes most people's minds would leap to an oak tree, but without the information, you might mean oak table, oak bench, oak desk. The point being that you're talking about the strength of the wood regardless, so simply 'strong as oak' serves fine and makes more sense (unless you replace it with one of my aforementioned suggestions or something new of your own).

- 'fortitude, she was' hyphen, use 'fortitude - she was'

- 'Fragility that would put a mirror to', slightly lazy writing, something like 'Fragility which put all mirrors to shame,' has slightly better flow and makes more sense for 'such was her demeanour'. Basically if you say 'such was' you're talking about something that definitely was, if you say 'that would put' you're talking about something that may happen given circumstance. Need to pick one and stick to it, hence my suggestion.

- 'What she safeguarded....and if you', this is too fast and needs a break, let the first idea sink in, a hyphen can help here too. Try 'What she safeguarded with her life - was herself. If you were'. It makes a nice break, and gets rid of a nasty 'and'.

Phew! That's grammar out of the way, now some general observations.

Notes:
- 'would set the world ablaze' is in reference to a fear, now here you have fear of potential vs. fear of eventuality, I find in most cases potential requires 'could' and eventuality requires 'would'. I think this is about potential, but there's nothing strictly incorrect about it, just something to consider.
- 'Shackled by circumstance, she was haunted by the unforeseen', very pretty, but without reference, we have no idea of the circumstance other than her being 'trapped'. Yet how can you be trapped by something you cannot see? Is it a prison in her mind? Do you want the reader to make this leap?
- 'demanded attention without seeming desolate' , desolate means 'barren' or 'empty'. Only someone really cynical would call someone demanding attention 'empty', it's not a common adjective associated with attention-seeking behaviour. Did you perhaps mean 'desperate' ? That is much more commonly attributed to attention seeking and would appear to make more sense in that she didn't seem desperate, rather than not seeming empty.

This woman is the most confounding paradox I've ever heard described. One minute she's crumbling to dust, the next she's tough as nails. She has the fragility of a mirror, yet the ability to set the world ablaze. I understand that you're talking about a multi-faceted individual with a range of characteristics, but some of these are just such polar opposites that the reader stops having their doubts about the woman's nature and starts to have doubts about the writer's ability to make accurate observations. If there was a set-up line somewhere in there about her being 'all things contrary' or 'everything she did contradicted the other' then it would make sense. Yet these are just flat observations, she is fire, she is ice, she is night, she is day. Philosophically speaking one cannot be both one and the other, therefore they are neither, but like I said, if the reader is given even the tiniest hint as to her inherent contradictory nature - then the wildly polarised observations don't seem so extreme. This is a personal feeling of mine and I doubt many readers will look into it that deeply, but if you're like me and you notice the parts as much as the sum, then this seems slightly uninformed.

As for your author's note, there are no spelling errors, you've used English (UK) spelling throughout so don't let the Americans tell you anything is incorrect.
I feel like I've met people like this, who by their very nature are impossible to describe, and perhaps that is what lays at the heart of this piece of writing. There are those for whom no words truly exist to capture their essence, they don't walk along the line between humanity and insanity, they dance along it and laugh at the joke of the universe impossible for our minds to comprehend. I feel sad that I may never understand people like this.

Now as you requested, I really went all out with this one. I understand having a piece of writing that means a lot to you and I hope some of the suggestions I've made can help. Trust me when I say I've read thousands upon thousands of pieces from people on this site, and I would not have bothered going in-depth if i did not believe this was a truly outstanding piece of work. You should really be proud of this one, you've come just about as close as I've seen to capturing the impossible - a dream all writers strive for. I look forward to the edited version.

Commendably and exquisitely well-penned,

- Christopher Robin

Rating /100

3 of 3 people found this review constructive.

9 Years Ago

First of all I would like to thank you from the bottom of my heart for that review, the time you mus.. read moreFirst of all I would like to thank you from the bottom of my heart for that review, the time you must have put in it... thank you so much. It really means so much to me.
I have made the grammatical corrections you advised.
I find that in most of what I write, I like challenge the reader’s ability to understand my view, if they do ‘get it’ I feel very satisfied, perhaps it’s where the ambiguity comes in. Is it something I should work on or can that be my personal style? I may be too prideful...
The ‘He’ in the first paragraph is referring to God. I thought that was evident from ‘wrote her’ and ‘disguised her’. I really don’t want to use ‘God’, perhaps you can come up with a suggestion that does not involve removing any line or adding the word ‘God’ in. (I have not yet made any changes there).
The word ‘desolate’ has two meanings as far as I’m aware, one of being barren or empty, the other of showing great sadness or appearing gloomy. I don’t wish to change it based of the interpretation of the reader.
‘Shackled by circumstance, she was haunted by the unforeseen’ shackled by circumstance refers to her circumstances which I don’t believe the reader needs to know. It is only crucial to know that she is facing such difficulties. Haunted by the unforeseen is referring to anxiety about the future. Because of her circumstances, she is having anxiety about the future. Is that unclear from the line? Another thing I don’t wish to change but I will if needed. Should I frame it differently?
Yeah, she is intended to be so. Her contradiction comes from who she is versus what she shows the world, her actions contradict her words. A façade of sorts. It is not supposed to make sense because it doesn’t make sense to the writer. A confounding paradox is exactly what she should be to the reader! There are people who are kind hearted, caring loving but come off as cold and harsh. The writing is exaggerated intentionally as well. It comes from a place of infatuation so it fits perfectly.

Agian, Thankyou so much for that review.

-Eliot Knight

9 Years Ago

OH CR you are such a rules man !!!! :) XXXX

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Reviews

Coyote Poetry

Amazing short story.
"What she safeguarded with her life- was herself. If you were ever so lucky to catch a glimpse of her heart, you’d spend eternity lusting to hold it. "
I liked the lines above. You create character of beauty and strength. Thank you for sharing the outstanding story.
Coyote

Posted 9 Years Ago

9 Years Ago

Thank you so much for that kind review!

9 Years Ago

You are welcome.

Ashira Macy

This story was beautiful and vaguely tragic to me. Seemed like it spoke of a woman so perfectly made that she was not recognized for the wonder that she was. Really great work.

Posted 9 Years Ago

9 Years Ago

thankyou for appreciating my piece.

Lotus Flower

How very beautiful. I think my favorite line is " If you were ever so lucky to carch a glimpse of her heart, you'd spend eternity lusting to hold it" very nice!

Posted 9 Years Ago

9 Years Ago

thankyou, Im glad you liked it!

JulianaSun

When seen through the eyes of love and admiration, people seem surreal. Too good to be true. And out of our reach. As you said - “The eyes of a lover exaggerate the apparent.” Love make everything and everyone shine, but not all that shines is gold :)

Posted 9 Years Ago

Joshua Carl Cruz

What can another say that CR hasn´t already raked over with his tidy red pen? I´m kidding of course but he did make all the points I would´ve said and some other insightful things I didn´t think to share. Cool stuff though

Posted 9 Years Ago

9 Years Ago

Yeah I asked the best I knew for a review so it could be better than it was :3 Thanks ^_^

Dani The Unreviewed

I remember, the time i saw my love. :) awesome piece. I noticed, that most of your writes (the ones submitted in my group) are thought provoking, and carry some message. Very well done.

Posted 9 Years Ago

9 Years Ago

Thanks a lot!

9 Years Ago

You're welcome :)

Kajal Sharma

That was a really deep...

Posted 9 Years Ago

9 Years Ago

thankyou ^_^

9 Years Ago

This was a tough read, so many metaphors to go through, not that it's a bad thing, mind you, but sin.. read more

Jyoti_Ablaze

Awesome! What an amazing portryal. I am not sure, being an amateur, but I would like to share what I interpreted of this piece.

It seems like the story of woman's creation by the Creator.. Took my breath away when this realisation hit me. And being a feminist myself, I felt the love and respect you showered on the story..

I loved the way you put light on "Her" character.
"Her warmth could swallow the sun whole. Fragility that put all mirrors to shame, such was her demeanour." Loved these profound lines.
Thank you for sharing this with the world. Kudos!
-Jyoti

Posted 9 Years Ago

9 Years Ago

Finally someone gets that I mentioned God in the first paragraph, that makes me so happy!
Th.. read more

9 Years Ago

You are welcome!

Shweta Shah

Wow!!!
I am an amateur,unworthy of reviewing it,but here goes nothing
First of all great use of metaphors.The language is quite hyperbolic too.You have explored both the ends and portrayed her as desirable(someone I would long to meet) and yet forbidden!
The finishing and details with which you portrayed her are exemplary.
The description is...What should i say? I am out of adjectives and beautiful,magnificent,keen,marvelous...All of it wouldn't do any justice to it!
Summing up.
You have got yourselves a fan!

Posted 9 Years Ago

9 Years Ago

That is sweet of you to say, I'm flattered thankyou.

Christopher Robin

Posted 9 Years Ago

OK! This is a really nice sentiment. some really beautiful metaphor work in there. It is however riddled with a host of minor problems and ambiguities. My red pen is here.

-'He wrote her', it's grammatically correct, but dated, people will tell you to say 'wrote to her' - tell them to read a book.

- 'with subtle words', a hyphen after this would create a perfect beat.

- 'by dawn, only to' , hyphen, use 'by dawn - only to'.

- 'fortitude, she was' hyphen, use 'fortitude - she was'

Phew! That's grammar out of the way, now some general observations.

Commendably and exquisitely well-penned,

- Christopher Robin

Rating /100