People

People always leave.

 ‘People’

 

Talked all day and into the night,

Discussing views on wrong and right.

 

‘Let me show you what I found’,

‘That was fun, another round?’

 

Shared laughter, wiped tears,

Broken dreams, irrational fears.

 

Darkest secret, deepest desire,

Trust issues and kindled fire.

 

Found a flower in another’s yard,

Was cutting through the weeds so hard?

 

Blurry future, erased past,

Guess it wasn't meant to last.

 

Endless questions, why’s and how’s

Am I to you, just ‘people’ now?

 

 

 

 

Reviews

[Coyote Poetry]

I believe we are all the same. People who want shelter, opportunity and safe place to live.
"Shared laughter, wiped tears,
Broken dreams, irrational fears."
When we learn. Each of us need family, love and solid ground. Thank you for sharing the excellent poetry.
Coyote

[Eliot Knight]

You are absolutely right there. Love is all we need. Thankyou for the review.

[kirti]

It's simple but beautifully written.

[Eliot Knight]

Thankyou Kirti :)

[daninstockholm]

very nice word play, very well thought through and executed! Fun to read!

[Eliot Knight]

Thankyou for the review

[Jyoti_Ablaze]

Wordplay at its best.
Rhyming is superb.
Apt medley of situations and emotions.
Enjoyed it..! A great piece of work..!

[Eliot Knight]

Thankyou so much!

[Shweta Shah]

Elegant is the word for it!...Simplicity at its best yet beautiful.
It brilliantly portrays the people,best friends,confidante and everything you could have been meaning to... from this poem.
KUDOS!

[Eliot Knight]

Thankyou, that means a lot to me :)

[Gee]

Enjoyed the rhyming but as mentioned below a little off with timing.My kind of poetry,simple,easy to read and understand,sweet.

[Eliot Knight]

Yeah, I have made those corrections :)
Thankyou for the review.

[Indra Neil]

a deep write with brilliant metaphor that truly depicts the everyday situations! wonderful rhyming couplets! well done!

[Eliot Knight]

Thankyou! :)

[Indra Neil]

u r welcome!

[...]

Very simple it s great poem. At rhyms what nice flow. You describe human life like always go from dark to light and back. It s funny and also scary. I realy enjoyed. People always leave but they deeds are still here

[Eliot Knight]

yes, everyone has an impact, thankyou for the review.

[...]

You very welcome. Is was nice to read. This wonderful deed.

[Christopher Robin]

Fantastic rhymes, but the cadence is off just enough to break the flow a little. A bit more attention to the meter will make this poem flow much better.
Some examples:
- 'That was fun, how about another round?' Drop the 'how about' to keep the flow of the preceding line and improve meter.
- 'Broken dreams and irrational fears'. Drop the 'and' and just use a comma, it will mimic the preceding line and bring the meter (which is really nothing more than syllabic count) closer together.

There's only one or two little grammar points :

- 'Was cutting through my weed so hard?' weed doesn't look like it should be singular here (unless you're talking about marijuana), just cutting through a single weed doesn't seem like much of a search to find a flower, perhaps 'weeds' would serve better. I know it's personal, but perhaps 'the weeds' rather than 'my weed' would serve better, as it creates a larger metaphor. Not an error, just a suggestion.
'Am I to you, just 'people' now'. This should have a question mark instead of a full stop.

This is an interesting topic explored through a really sweet metaphor of a conversation and a relationship. The imagery is spot on as is the message. The rhyming structure is consistent and well thought out. Aside from a couple of meter and grammar issues this is a very solid piece of writing. I look forward to reading more.

Very well penned.

- Christopher Robin

[Eliot Knight]

If I remove 'how about' it doesn't make much sense.
'That was fun, another round?' Do you perhaps have a suggestion to change the sentence framing?
As for removing the 'and' , if I remove it from between 'Broken dreams and irrational fears' , I'd have to remove it from 'trust issues and kindled fire' as well, what do you think?
Yes, I agree about 'the weeds' I will make a change there.
Well, the last line is a rhetorical question, do they require question marks as well? It's supposed to give the feeling of a statement, (talking to myself). What do you think?

Thankyou for taking the time to read my poem and the constructive criticism, much appreciated.

-Eliot Knight

[Christopher Robin]

No problem!

Yes rhetorical questions still need question marks.
Removing of 'and' in the 6th line simply helps flow and cadence. Consider your meter (syllabic count) for line 5 you have 5 syllables, for line 6 you have 9 syllables, so when people read it aloud or in their minds it breaks the flow of the poem because it takes that much longer to say. Removing the 'and' and placing a comma not only reduces the count to 8, but in the reader's mind it creates the same break that was in line 5, therefore a much better flow. The reason to keep the 'and' in line 8 should now be self-evident - line 7 has 8 syllables, line 8 has seven syllables, this is close enough to not make any difference to the overall cadence of the poem, and it flows much better when read out.
'That was fun, another round?' makes sense so long as the statement is informed - which it is by the previous line of showing something you have found. You're right, on its own it makes no sense, but informed it is perfectly sound. Consider this :
"That tennis match was great"
"Yeah, that was fun, another round?"
"Sure, let's play again"
The subject of 'what was fun' is tennis, therefore the sentence is informed, and makes sense. The same applies to your poem. Removing the 'how about' also gives you a syllabic count of 7 for both lines, perfect meter, perfect flow.

Let me know if any of that didn't make sense, cadence is a tricky thing to get a grasp of.

- Christopher Robin

[Eliot Knight]

I have to research and practise cadence, I'm not familiar with it but yeah I get the gist of it. Alright, I will make those changes now, thanks for the explanation.
Yeah, you're right, it does make sense when seen as a whole.
Thanks again for all your help! ^_^

-Eliot Knight