The poison of "Jail-bait".

I got angry late one night and found myself writing this about something that happened in my past.

Rip the hair from my scalp 

scratch the mascara from my eyes

de-light, de-love and de humanise.

More than a face, a body and hair.

I’m everything you envy, I don’t care.

Hate me, I dare you.

make my heart bleed. but nothing.

Just nothing. and my patience is rusting.

See, I’m made of substance.

I have a mind,

I’m not a “slag" or a “s**t" and I won’t unbind.

Your vile words won’t touch me

and even if you tried,

I’d hold up a mirror and bounce back your cyanide. 

So change the colour of your nails,

and pretend all you've done is fine.

but mark my words, you'll pay for this

and Karma won't be kind.

Author's Note

Please criticize and add additional notes. It'll really help for future writing.

Reviews

[SteveB]

Well done. The honesty and emotion come through raw and powerful. Your word choices are striking and powerful most particularly in the third line. The "de-light" was absolutely magnificent. Not just as a juxtoposition to "delight" but also as a way of expressing the robbing of light. Great word choice and the line is so hard hitting.

[Elinor Williams]

Thank you! When I read it, it always jumps out at me the most. This is a lovely comment, and I love it when people pick up on small details like this! Thank you again, I'll be sure to read your work! :D

[SteveB]

There is no need to thank me. Thank you for this piece.

[JordanIsaacSmith]

Really great poem, your anger and frustration come across perfectly. Really well written!

[Baby Ricochet]

Some intense words. Great job..........

[Coyote Poetry]

I like the harshness and directness of the poem. You gave glimpses of places and thoughts. I like the short and visual statements. I do believe karma to be fair judge too. No weakness in the amazing poetry.
Coyote

[Audrey Rey]

I really love how you can feel the emotion in the verses!

[Patrick O'Neil]

Wow, i love it.. great rhythm and smart rhyme.. with a strong close. Realy good.

[Elinor Williams]

Thank you very much! :D

[Patrick O'Neil]

Most welcome, you have a great writing style.

[Sharon Kim]

Great job! I love the power in this! I love the line about holding up a mirror and bouncing back the cyanide. Sticks and stones... I love the feeling at the end- I don't have to do anything because you're going to get what's coming to you! Excellent!

[thespaceinmybed]

This sounds like a song to me. I like the anger in it. The beginning seems masochistic but the end explains that there is more emotions involved like pride and strength

[Ivana~]

Powerful! That is how I would wrap this whole piece up. Very strong and bold, the words really speak, as if you can feel the tension coming off of the words! Loved it!!

[Elinor Williams]

Thank you so much! I've got to say....I felt so much better after writing it!

[dw817]

⊰ℛℛ⊱
This 'poem story' is a bit confusing. At first it seems like it's a guy raping a woman, but then there is jealousy, so it's another woman raping another woman. But then the title is 'jail-bait' so now I'm thinking it's an older woman who is jealous, raping a younger one. (Don't ask me how that works) :7

But then I'm thinking, well now wait just a minuette, how about this ? Maybe it's a woman who's jealous of a younger one so she sends her boyfriend over to rape this girl, he'll get the legal rap of 'jail-bait,' she gets tossed in jail cause for being promiscuous, and then the older woman, free of all of this mess, is the 'fairest-one-of-them-all.'

Hmm ... Or did I totally miss the point here ?

[JordanIsaacSmith]

You've completely and utterly missed the point.

[Elinor Williams]

I think you don't understand what "Jail-bait" means. It's a slang word.

[dw817]

Too many new terms to remember ! :3
I like my description tho, might make a neat episode for a drama show or something.

[Elinor Williams]

If you want. Just so you know, this is nothing to do with Rape. At all.

[dw817]

"Rip the hair from my scalp scratch the mascara from my eyes de-light, de-love and de humanise."
read more"Rip the hair from my scalp scratch the mascara from my eyes de-light, de-love and de humanise."
I don't feel bad for misinterpreting that. :)

[dw817]

... continued - I don't feel bad for misinterpreting that.

[Elinor Williams]

Don't feel bad, it's an interpretation! xD haha, just it's not really what I intended or really meant :)

[Zero_Edge88]

(Forgive me of my style of criticizing your work but this is how I would view it okay.)

"For there is no better poison out there but the words we use to slander and hurt our friends with. For a taste, it is an unforgettable feeling that is never squelched because such taste is indicative of venomous but also infectious for the body itself!

For to lather the emotions with such baseless meanings our voices are more toxic than a drop of risin in our body. Surely it doesn't kills us instantly but even desiccants know that even a slow-decaying rotting flesh is a sight to see than an already dead corpse! It's the insincerity that will always be present in our heart when we find ourselves decayed!"

To me, I saw how your words were fully intoxicating, pun intended! They were livid and at its finest they just want to go through your throat and rip it out. Hmm something the way the projections makes it so filled with wroth it's ready to blow for sure! Can't wait for your next piece! :)

[Elinor Williams]

Haha, thank you! I love the critique, very different and I like that :D I understand, just I really was angry and some part of me feels like I'm just as bad as the person who was vile to me for writing this. But it's a catharsis for me to let it all go, so it has some merit? I think?

[Zero_Edge88]

You're very welcome! Hey change of perspective helps definitely eh? :D It has its merits and I'd agree and disagree to your place on that person but we're all human the way we are. We still grow up and find over the time more people who act of that nature too. It's a process and one we must learn to live and look ahead to.