Self-sabotage

Notes of suffering from an episode of depression

This is a self-sabotage, please don't let me.

I cannot do this alone, please don't give up on me.

I say "I'm fine" but I'm actually not.

When I say "Leave me alone" as this is how I try to cope.

Although I know what is right, from what is wrong,

And while I'm aware of the consequences

Of my actions and choices, I still choose the wrong.

This is a self-sabotage, please don't let me.

I cannot do this alone, please don't give up on me.

 

I may still be able to find the strength,

To get up and respond,

To smile again,

To join you, and my little ones,

To belong among you and to life.

I am bored of lying in bed on my own,

Pretending that I am doing stuff on my phone,

While actually I stare at it pointlessly.

You know, these dark thoughts, creeping into my mind slowly

Are all so very cold, and they want me lonely.

This is a self-sabotage, please don't let me.

I cannot do this alone, please don't give up on me.

 

I may still be able to find the strength,

To be able to be myself again,

The self that I think I had once,

When I was teenager, that I'd better find,

As soon as possible, as it feels like all hopes are fading,

And the sea of smiles I once had are dying.

From here, in these dark rooms where I hide,

In these dark corners of existence that I avoid life,

Tomorrows don't look great, they look grey,

And every minute they look greyer than ever.

These spontaneous moods, they are pathetic,

I cannot carry on like this, on and off, forever.

I am slowly drowning in the vast sea of life,

Lifeguards and rescue boats are around,

But I let myself sink, without an effort to swim up,

That's how it feels like.

 This is a self-sabotage, please don't let me.

I cannot do this alone, please don't give up on me.

 

I may still be able to find the strength,

To be able to stop these sudden spikes of crippling anger,

That I cannot understand.

What's the problem?  What's the underlying reason?

It must be an instinctive behaviour, maybe some sort of fear.

But these unbearable battles inside me,

They are eating me alive, they're killing me.

While one side of me says "Let go, just forget and forgive"

The other side fights back more strongly,

And says "No! We will never surrender."

It's a mean and a cruel voice,

Like the voice of a heatless person talking,

Who never stops, never gives up, and goes on to saying

"No need apology, no need to be sorry.

You can be without them,

All alone, but still strong, successful, and happy.

You don't need them, they need you.

But probably they're better without you.

You also need to admit, this is no one's fault, it's yours!

But what can you do? You're angry, and annoyed.

The good thing is that you are intelligent.

You'll find a way soon, you will get over it alone.

What you need to do is to stop going on about it,

And forget about telling anyone or mentioning it.

It's a weakness, it is embarrassing.

It's contagious, poisonous and damning.

You cannot show your emotions,

And none of these thoughts,

Think about it!

No one would really understand you, how can they?

You will be a nut case in their eyes once you told them anyway.

And then that would be the end of a normal life,

A promising career, and all your dreams.

Once they think you are mental,

It will never be the same again, everything will go downhill."

These endless battles,

The pointless fights,

Just don't make any sense, but

You should know, it is not easy for me,

To talk about it, or write it, or in any way to admit it.

This is a self-sabotage, please don't let me.

I cannot do this alone, please don't give up on me.

 

I may still be able to find the strength,

To be able to put a stop to this vicious struggle.

I don't let out my sobs, no one can hear,

But my pillow is soaked with tears.

I am exhausted; I have no energy to pretend that I am sleeping,

While actually being wide awake from noon to the evening.

I am running out of options,

I have to face myself, which is the hardest thing.

I can see now, this is not new!

I see a little child crying from anger

Crouched under a table,

Hiding away, avoiding contact with people,

She is making her body shake while clenching her fists,

And grinding her teeth,

Doing it all very quietly, so no one hears.

I can see, she is now leaning her back against the cold wall, pretending to sleep,

But she is actually wide awake, just laying still,

Filled with anger and rage, in her mind,

A self-destroying grudge growing roots in her heart.

What if someone had realised that,

She was angry and upset,

And told her that it was okay feeling like that,

Hugged her tight with compassion,

Showed some feeling and emotion,

Whatever she was upset about,

Acknowledged her pain and anger,

Helped her calm herself down,

And explain her feelings, and talk about it.

Told her that "No matter what,

You part without a grudge"

Taught her how to let go and forgive, and said,

"This is one of the best skills to learn in life,

Both as a kid, and when you become an adult one day,

So that whatever troubles you one day,

You can always find peace and happiness within yourself."

At age 34, in a state of hopelessness and loneliness,

I'm trying to find within me the crumbs of peace and happiness,

But I need your light,

The light of your love,

As otherwise,

This is a self-sabotage.

Please don't let me.

I cannot do this alone, please don't give up on me.