Smiles Are Frowns and Up is Down

A man down on his luck one day realizes that the key to happiness in life is a simple change in attitude.

Somewhere along the line, I lost control of my life.

I didn’t know when or how it happened. I just one day realized that the reigns had slipped out of my hands. I was stuck on a runaway chariot making a mad dash deep into an abyss of despair.

Perhaps that’s a bit melodramatic.

I wasn’t racing into an abyss, it was more like I was slowly sinking into one. I hadn’t lost my grip on control, I slipped somewhere along my path. Instead, I was falling into a void. The ledge I so dearly clung to drifting further away from sight. I imagined the sensation of falling as a silent metaphor for my life. The helplessness of the situation. The knot in the pit of my stomach getting tighter. And the constant dread of what is to come until finally-

My eyes swung open.  

I was laying on the floor of my apartment. The digital clock on my desk read 7:35am on a dim red L.E.D. display. I had to be at work by 8:00am.

It didn’t matter to me, though. The motivation to perform even the smallest of tasks was beyond my reach at that point in time.

That dream reminded me of the empty pit I called my life. There was no way I could bring myself to get up. I wish I had just stayed asleep. It wasn’t exactly Valhalla, but it was better than this at least. Perhaps if I closed my eyes, I could go back. Getting up now would only confirm the fact that I was back in the real world. And I was not willing to re-join it.

Unable to fall back asleep, I laid there and stared up at my blank ceiling. It seemed it would be a herculean task for me to continue living, let alone go to work.

Really, what would be the consequences for not showing up to my job that day? Best case scenario, no one notices. Worst case, I’ll find myself in front of my boss the following day asking me to give a reason for my absence. I would then tell them that they should be grateful I show up at all to such a thankless and monotonous working environment. They should be groveling at my feet, praising me for putting up with their incompetence and marvel at the virtually unlimited amounts of patience and endurance I exhibit by remaining under their leadership.

Obviously, I wouldn’t actually say that. As a working member of society, I set my pride aside and accepted the situation to make a living. On my knees, I stayed put with my head up and mouth open, obediently waiting for crumbs to trickle out of the jewel-encrusted hands of my overlords.

I was a peasant in a tie. I only wished I had the guts to hang myself with it.

However, I digress.

The figurative clock was ticking, and I still hadn’t decided if an attempt to go to work would be made.

‘God, why did I have to wake up? Do I really need to go through another day of my life?’ I thought to myself.

I didn’t have the energy to be me. All I desired was to curl up in a ball and wallow in self-pity. It would have seemed quite pathetic, but such a thing was not below me.

However, after a few minutes, I somehow managed to convince myself that I didn’t want to just lay there until I died. If I were going to die that day, it would be in a more dignified way. Like drowning myself in my toilet. 

I slowly raised myself off the floor and onto my unsteady feet.

Why I woke up on the floor in the first place was a bit of a mystery to me. I may have drunk more than usual the night before and in my intoxicated state decided I wasn’t quite worthy of the comfort of my own bed. At times, I did things like that. The throbbing headache, nausea, and feeling of sleep depravity confirmed the fact that I definitely drank too much.

As I made my way to the bathroom like a newborn baby taking its first steps, searing pain suddenly shot through my foot. I hopped around holding it while yelling every obscenity I could think of, nearly knocking over my flimsy dresser.

I finally noticed that there were shards of glass littered around the carpeted floor of my room. I also spotted a broken bottle nearby. I’m no mathematician, but I can at least put two and two together. Waking up on the floor of a cheap apartment around pieces of a beer bottle wasn’t quite rock bottom for me but, it was pretty low. The stench of alcohol only further cemented my current status.

If I remembered correctly, which I probably didn’t, but if I did, I think hearing all about how one of my co-workers was getting married and the diabetic story of how they proposed drove me to start drinking that day. There may have been some other things I did, but I couldn’t recall much of it.

I hated seeing happy people. I thought they were the scum of the earth. How dare they be happy in my presence? Me, the world’s leading authority on pessimism and dreariness. It reminded me of things in my past that I very much wanted to forget. Unfortunately, it seemed that all the alcohol was good for was getting me to forget how to walk.

While leaning on the wall, I slid my way to the bathroom, being careful not to put too much pressure on my bleeding foot. Once I made it to my destination, I turned on the faucet for the shower and sat in the tub.

The water was cooler than what I wanted but changing the temperature would have required me to get up from my position and expend energy which was of course, impossible. So, I sat there and accepted my new life of goosebumps and cold soaked boxers.

I let the icy water wash over me. With my eyes closed, I listened intently to the taps against the tub’s bottom. It was soothing, almost therapeutic in a way to lose myself in the sensation of droplets hitting against me.

I had never been baptized, but I imagined it was something like this. The feeling of washing away my past sins. In my case, it was the washing away of my hangover. I must have sat in that tub and let the time drift by me for at least twenty minutes.

I was already aware that cold showers don’t actually help much with hangovers, but it still helped with perking me up a bit. I wondered if it would be effective if I believed that it was. Placebos could be very powerful.

It was one of the few things that I found interesting in the world. The power the mind has over the body always fascinated me. Mind over matter was a concept that’s been proven time and time again. Since the reality a person perceives is merely their brain’s interpretation of the world, it wouldn’t be a stretch to say that reality could be altered. It would only be subjectively, but who cared about the objective world?

The world I lived in was just cruel. It wasn’t as though I didn’t put any effort into changing my life, but each attempt had been met with failure and disappointment.

I was trapped with no one to help me. I felt like a homeless man on the street, begging and pleading for a helping hand or even a small acknowledgment from an endless torrent of indifferent people. It made me realize that individuals ultimately only care for themselves and their own cliques. If you failed to group up with any of them, you were an outsider. Cast aside as background noise to much more important matters in their lives.

Indeed, the world had turned its back on me, so why not turn my back on the world?

This may seem like incoherent ramblings. Perhaps I still wasn’t entirely sober. But, at that moment of weakness, it made perfect sense to me. All it took was a slight shift in mindset. I could leave my life behind and ascend beyond my limitations.

That’s when a thought entered my mind. It was as though it was whispered to me by a divine spirit. A single sentence that instantly broke the shackles I had on for so long.

‘Smiles are frowns and up is down.’

Yes. It was so simple.

If I could just assert reality was the opposite of what I’d seen in the past all my problems would be solved.

“Smiles are frowns and up is down.”

I obsessively repeated this phrase to myself. Descending further and further into insanity every time I said it. I could feel my grip on the world loosening. I just needed to push further until I finally shoved myself off this plane of existence. I welcomed this absurd state of mind with open arms. My desperation fueled my desire to cast aside sanity. And in its place would sit the pinnacle of lunacy.

“Smiles are frowns and up is down.”

Finally, something clicked. I became unhinged from my previous thought process. A bubbly sense of joy began to fill my body. I couldn’t help but let out a boisterous laugh.

At last!

I had realized the true way to happiness. It wasn’t money or love. It was madness. A complete disregard for the objective reality. Since the objective world no longer existed, the only thing left was the subjective one. The subjective world resided solely within my own mind; therefore, I was in complete control of the world. No longer was I going to follow along in a script pre-written for myself. I was going to write my own story, make my own rules.

I had successfully transformed my real life into a lucid dream. Which in turn led to me becoming a god.

I stood up. The water felt cold, no, warm and refreshing. The deep cut on my foot no longer existed. I felt better than I had in ten years.

I turned off the shower and stepped out of the tub. In the bathroom mirror, I saw myself. Handsome and fit as always with an irremovable grin on my face.

After a brief stroll back to the bedroom, I stood in the middle, taking in the sight of my immaculate, luxury furniture. I took a deep breath through my nose and captured the aroma of pine and cherries.

The handcrafted Volanus clock on my wall caught my eye. Its pristine gold and ebony parts told me the time in a way only the most elite of clocks could. It was as if it was saying, “Good morning, sir. The time is seven fifty-six AM.”

“Thank you, Volanus. Carry on,” I said. And it continued its routine of ticking away.

It seemed I needed to be at work in four minutes. Usually, it would take me at least an hour to get to there.

‘But today, smiles are frowns and up is down.’

I went over to my walk-in closet and browsed through my vast catalog of apparel. I had little trouble deciding which of the garments would be granted the honor of adorning my body for the day. In one swift motion, I grabbed a dark red suit and put it on. I then jumped further into the closet and landed my feet perfectly into a pair of black dress shoes.

‘Yes, this will do nicely,’ I thought.

After eating a scrumptious and fulfilling breakfast, I bolted out of the door, ready to face my new world with the tenacity of a dog in heat.

I struck the button on the key fob to my Lamborghini Huracán. The vertical door smoothly propped open. Like a rock star, I hopped into the car while being cautious of any paparazzi that may have been camping out in front of my mansion to catch a glimpse of me.

The car purred on startup and roared like a tiger as I sped out of my driveway, cruising through a series of modern castles and expansive lawns. Once I passed the wooden archway labeled, ‘Hidden Hills,’ I knew I was outside of my neighborhood.

Since I needed to be at work soon, I put the pedal to the medal. Zooming through the streets, having multiple near misses with other cars and objects. It seemed today was really going to be a good day not only because I wasn’t likely to use an AK, but also because I hit every green light along the way. I even heard other drivers on the road cheering me on by honking their horns.

One such driver yelled, “Are you out of your mind!?”

“Nope, just the opposite!” I responded with my head sticking out of the window. “And I’m never coming out!”

The gate to my workplace came into view. I successfully made it to my job in three minutes with one minute to spare. The gate guard glared at my car as it drove up next to the booth. Must have been an honor to witness my entrance. There was no need for someone like me to show an I.D., so I drove right through.

“Hey!” He yelled.

I didn’t have time to stop and sign an autograph for him or anything, so I just waved back to him as I drove away.

I pulled up by a chauffeur who was standing next to the entrance of the building. They gave me a confused look when I handed them my keys and a one-thousand-dollar bill, but I assured them that they could keep the entire tip.

I approached the glass covered building. It towered over the rest of the town like a titanium god watching over the mortals below. The clouds themselves appeared to be sliced by the sharp point that pierced the sky. Around the monolith were much smaller buildings on the same campus. Likely built to appease the being. However, they were no longer the only god around.

The reflective doors slid open in response to my presence. I walked into the building with an air of confidence like a narcissistic balloon. Sometimes it’s tough being the best at your job. I attracted the attention of every person in the lobby by merely walking in. One of my co-workers who happened to be there approached me.

“Hey, uh… are you alright?” He asked while looking at my clothes.

“Am I alright?” I repeated with an intense look on my face.

They looked worried, perhaps even a bit scared due to my demeanor. I then remembered that I had an overwhelming presence at times. I tried to tone it down.

“I’m doing fantastic,” I said in a hushed voice with the biggest smile my face muscles could accomplish.

This did not seem to make them any less wary of me as I noticed them taking a step back.

 Oh well. I truly was beyond a normal person’s comprehension. I felt pity for the man in front of me. They will forever be trapped in the world of misery while fearing those with true enlightenment. They cower away from the ascended and unknown. I could not blame them for it. Maybe the old me would have reacted the same way.

I gave them a hug and whispered into their ear, “I’m sorry, friend. But I have to leave you behind.”

It was unfortunate that I could not take anyone with me. But this was a path that only I could take. Without saying another word, I let go of him and walked away.

Beyond the lobby, on the same floor was a labyrinth of machinery and top of the line monitoring equipment. It would not have been too far off to call my workplace the heart of the corporation.

My work was in keeping the blood of the organization pumping. Without me, there would be no business. No oxygen to be carried between departments, no communication between the brain and the muscles. My vast intellect was a blessing to them. Only I had the capability to manage such a complex system of transmissions and information.

I put on my surgical gloves. It was time to get to work.

However, before I got the chance to perform my duties one of my subordinates approached me.

“What is it, mortal?” I asked, slightly annoyed by the interruption.

“… Bradley wants to see you,” she said while eyeing me curiously.

My boss, or rather the one responsible for ensuring I remain in this company requested my presence.

“Does he have an appointment?” I asked.

She glared at me as if wondering if I was joking or not.

“Do not make me repeat myself, woman,”

“Excuse me?” She asked with an appalled expression.

“No, you are not excused. However, I have much to do today, so I’ll just speak with him right away before I start work. I’ll deal with you later.”

As I walked away, I overheard her asking another worker if she should call the police.

Fine by me. Perhaps a little jail time would fix her attitude. 

Bradley’s office was about three times smaller than mine. It certainly didn't make them any less of a man or reflected their social status.

I just wanted to point out that my office was bigger.

Besides being small, it was a bit unkept. The square patterned wallpaper showed signs of deterioration with some of the corners peeling off. A single solitary light bulb hung from the ceiling by a short cable. The light flickered every so often.

It desperately clung to its pitiful life by a couple of wires, even though pretty soon, it was inevitably going to do the impossible and somehow become even more useless than it already was.

That’s enough about Bradley. That bulb really needed to be changed, though.

My self-proclaimed boss crossed his fat fingers and rested them on his twenty-dollar desk.

 “Where have you been?” He asked.

Ah, a stupid question from my boss. About as unexpected as the sunrise.

“What do you mean? I’ve been at work, or rather on my way to work.”

He gave me an annoyed look and said, “Yes, but what about before that? Do you realize how late you are? It’s almost lunchtime.” 

“Late? What are you babbling about, you fool?”

A look of shock appeared on his inflated face. It seemed I needed to show him.

“Bradley, look at the clock,” I said impatiently.

He looked at the dusty clock on the wall. It clearly read 8:05am.

“Now look back at me.”

He did precisely that, but now appearing confused.

“Am I late?” I asked.

“Yes!” He yelled. “What is wrong with you today!? You walk in here over four hours late, dressed like a bum, disrespecting me in my office-”

“Let me stop you right there, Brad. Are you ok? Do you need to get your eyes checked?”

Late? Dressed like a bum? Preposterous.

“Heh. What is all this? Some kind of joke?” He asked.

“No, sir. The only joke in this room is the one sitting behind the desk.” 

He leaned back in his chair with a look of pure amazement.

After staring at me for a few seconds, he finally said, “Alright. That’s the last straw. Go pack your things.”

“Why would I need to do that?”

“Because you’re fired.”

Bradley promptly fired me for my behavior… wait... that can’t be right. I can’t be fired from my job in this world. Such a thing was surely impossible.

For a second time. I felt the click in my head. I required a reminder of my new plane of existence.  

“Smiles are frowns and up is down,” I whispered with my head low.

“What was that?” Bradley asked leaning forward.

I began laughing.

It was the hardest I’d laughed in years. The whole thing was utterly hilarious to me. Of course, there was no way I could be fired. Couldn’t that buffoon see? I was the one in control here. My howling laughter emanated throughout the office and out into the larger workspace. I wouldn’t be surprised if even the people on the top floor heard it.

“That was a funny joke,” I said while wiping a tear from my eye.

With a nervous smile he said, “Well you were acting pretty funny. But, seriou-”

“Yeah, you got me, haha. So, I’m gonna make you pay for that!”

“Wha-”

I leaped over his desk and grabbed Bradley by the shirt.

With my gorilla strength, I pinned him down into his chair and mercilessly tickled him by erratically wiggling my fingers around his neck area. He was completely immobilized. Bradley could barely speak through his laughter. 

 “Stop it, hahaha. You’re killing me, hahaha.”

“Should’ve thought of that before playing such a trick on me!”

I relentlessly attacked them with a barrage of tickles and laughter. Losing myself in the act, I found myself laughing along with them.

‘This is what he deserves. He was asking for it,’ I internally repeated to myself.

He grabbed my arms and started kicking his feet, knocking the cheap desk across the office. I watched as their face transitioned to a shade of blue, veins popping out of their forehead. His movements became increasingly more desperate. This went on for a few more minutes. I had no intention of stopping.

That was when I heard an ear-piercing scream behind me.

I quickly looked back to see the same woman I was talking to earlier now standing at the doorway.

“Oh my God... oh my God, what are you doing!?” She asked with a shaky voice.

The way she spoke indicated shock and horror, but I could tell she was just playing along due to the smile on her face. The brief distraction allowed Bradley to escape my clutches. He frantically dropped on his side and crawled to the far corner of the room. The bulbous man was gasping for air like an animal on the brink of death. Surely, I didn’t tickle him that hard. No need to play it up so much, Bradley.

“I taught him a lesson,” I said. “And you’re next.”

She bolted away from the doorway as soon as I said this. Probably shouldn’t have given that warning. Now I had to catch them. Ah well. It was all fun and games anyway. And I was feeling up for a game of tag.

I followed her out of the office and into the main working area. It contained a sea of desks and gray equipment. Many of the workstations were occupied with curious onlookers. I paid no mind to them. To me, they were merely uninvolved pedestrians that all looked as plain and uninspiring as the one next to them. The woman made quite a scene of hysterically running between desks and clumsily knocking chairs over. I needed to catch her before she made too many waves and disturbed the tranquility of my precious working environment.

With my prey in sight, I unleashed my animalistic abilities. I could feel the claws extending from my fingers and the power building up in my hind legs. I pounced and jumped from desk to desk, making my way toward her with dizzying haste. She dared a glance behind her and sighted my unstoppable pursuit. Her laughter filled the area and served as a trail for me to follow.

Some of the background workers within the sea attempted to slow my advance. But I managed to scrape and claw at the beings. My actions, although seemingly belligerent, were encouraged by the smiling faces around me.

‘You can do it!’ Their empty faces said.

‘Haha, don’t let him catch you,’ Some would say to the woman.

Unfortunately for her, she tripped, granting me the opportunity to grab her. With her pinned down to the ground by my overwhelming strength, she screamed in frustration over losing and getting captured.

At that point, the background characters began getting more involved. The faceless figures grabbed at my arms and legs, attempting to pull me away. It was futile of course, but I had to commend them for trying. That was when I saw further down the hall another blank figure. They were much bigger than the rest as if their purpose was to protect the smaller offspring. The giant barreled towards me, knocking entire desks across the room.

I needed to escape. To do so, I had to find a way to slow it down. To my right, I spotted a stapler. Since I figured this rhino-like being could withstand an attack from such an object without much harm, I decided that it would make for an opportune weapon. I grabbed the stapler and flung it like a ninja star. It soared through the air with grace and accuracy.

*CLANK*

The office tool hit the figure precisely on the head. The being fell to the side and into a desk. I managed to take down the foul demon, but unfortunately, the young lady escaped from my sight while I was preoccupied. Her location was far from the forefront of my mind, however.

I needed to make a quick escape. Things were getting a bit too heated up for my liking. The people around the office happened to be taking this game of tag much more seriously than I thought they would.

I bolted away from the scene of the crime. A confusing mix of screams, sirens, and laughter ambushed me from all sides while I ran through a tunnel of shifting images. Upon closer inspection, I could see that the pictures contained highlights of my entire life. It reflected the drab routine I had fallen into for several years before my enlightenment. I sprinted as fast as I could to power through the memories I wouldn’t dare try to recall. The quicker my pace, the more the images faded into a shade of red. Warping and twisting further as I dashed past and through them. Thankfully, after a while of my desperate galloping, they became nothing but a jumbled mess of irregular shapes.

At the far end of the tunnel, I saw a light. It shined and beckoned for me to pursue it. I made my way toward the ray of hope. I would finally find what I’ve been searching for. My insanity would have not been in vain. With each step, I felt the sensation of being lifted. I was walking on air. Ascending the staircase to nirvana. The light, once just a glimmer, spread throughout the tunnel then consumed both the garbled images and my vision.

For the next few minutes, all I saw was white. An invasive sound of ringing filled my ears.

‘Is this it? Is this where madness leads me?’ I wondered.

 As if to prove me wrong, my senses gradually came back to me. The ringing in my ears faded and its place came the overwhelming sound of wind whipping past me. My vision slowly awakened and brought forth a sight I was not expecting.

I found myself high up on top of the omnipresent building. I stood on the apex of its tallest antenna. The howling winds threatened to push me down to the bottom where I could see an ocean of flashing lights. Even though my feet perilously stayed planted on a platform just large enough for my heels, I felt a sense of calmness I had never felt before. From that perspective, everything that ever troubled me in life seemed infinitesimally small. Gazing upon the tops of all man’s creations, from the bustling red and blue flickers to the tops of every roof in town. From the scurrying cars on the roads to the distant horizon on all sides fuzzed with greenery. It caused me to realize just how small my problems were. If only I could have witnessed such a thing before I lost myself. Perhaps nothing ever really mattered in the grand scheme of things.

From the vantage point, I spotted my home. Not the one I slept in, but the one my heart lived in. It was far. But that day, nothing was beyond my reach.

I spread my arms and stepped forward.

Off of the building, I fell horizontally. Speeding toward my destination like a supersonic jet. I soared through the clouds while watching the landscape of buildings and houses dash past me in a blur.

I blinked and found myself standing at the doorstep.

The door was wooden with red paint applied to it. I turned the golden handle and went through the entry. Immediately upon entering, I was embraced by the smell of home cooked food. I was unable to resist walking further into the warm and comforting atmosphere. Every inch of the home provided wave after wave of nostalgia. Each object was coated in sweet memories of a past life. I strolled along the carpeted interior, taking in the long-lost sight of pale walls and furniture.

The sounds of moving pots and gushing steam led me to the kitchen. The quartz colored floor shined in response to the sunlight that breezed through an open window. Besides the solar aperture stood a woman with their back turned, preoccupied with a task on the stove in front of her. I stood and watched. It was mystifying how such a mundane day to day thing could seem so breathtaking.

Finally noticing my presence, the lady turned to me and smiled.

“Hey, honey,” she said.

It was a simple greeting with a simple gesture. But, seeing her face and hearing the sound of her voice was enough to bring me down to my knees. There was a typhoon of words, questions, and phrases that poured from my heart only to get clogged in my throat on the way out.

The only thing I could muster was, “I’ve… I’ve missed you so much.”

Upon saying those words, I felt my pent-up emotions pour out of my soul like the bursting of a dam. Tears flowed down my face. I submitted to the euphoria of finally being released from the aching and yearning I’ve felt for as long as I could remember.

They gracefully walked over to me and with a smile said, “You’re such a crybaby. But, that’s ok…”

She bent down and gave me the softest hug I had felt in years.

The woman rested her chin on my shoulder and whispered to me in a sweet voice, “Because smiles are frowns and up is down.”

Reviews

[roarke]

whoosh.... started fast and got faster. There's a fine line, and all a transition from sanity to insanity takes is a simple concept. I think I've walked this tightrope a few times myself... Glad you're still here.