Trials of Tartarus

Chapter Nine 

Dear Moon,

I don’t even know who I am anymore. I did something, something unthinkable. Something that I’m ashamed that I had to do. I cheated, I lied, and I. I betrayed someone that I didn’t even know.

I can’t believe that I could do that. When it happened all I knew is that I was going to die. That he was going to take me away from you. So I reacted. But that’s. That’s no excuse for what I did.

I should’ve taken death.

Except death would be too honorable for me.

I deserve something so much worse than death.

I don’t regret taking your place, because if you had to go through this, it would kill me a lot worse than the way I’m dying right now. Can you believe that? I’m as good as dead in so many ways. But that doesn’t matter to me. It never has.

Maybe it’s a bad thing that the trials are about to end. I mean, I’ve already done three. That means that there’s only two more left.

Gods Moon, this knowledge should make me so happy. But it doesn’t. It feels me with dread. Because I’m so scared of the way you’re going to look at me when you see who I’ve become. Because this person that I am now, I don’t even recognize him.

The horror that would fill your eyes. I don’t know why I’m even writing any of this… Well I do, because I know that you’ll never read these letters. If I’m dead then you won’t them. And if I live, I would never give them to you. Because if you were to read these then you would be here with me.

In this small, plain excuse for a room. Experiencing these feelings with me. I didn’t even hear your voice today during this trial. I didn’t hear any of their voices. Which can only really mean that they didn’t want to talk to me.

They’re probably ashamed of me, and I know that it’s not actually them. I know it’s just part of who they are. But that’s the thing, Caltaya says that she used their personalities to make the voices. Which means that even though it’s not really them they probably still would be.

I know them well enough that I don’t need their voices to tell me that what I did was wrong. And that even though I did it because I didn’t want to leave you doesn’t make it right.

But I already told you that I am selfish. Much more now than I have been. And I can barely live with myself after what I did. What I did. It’s inexcusable. It’s terrible. Horrific.

The way that the light left his eyes when I killed him. The way that they looked so shocked, so betrayed. I had promised him that I wouldn’t use my powers. To make it an even fight. But I broke that promise.

Because I was so scared of losing you. I killed a mortal.

And now, now I know that I’ve already lost you.

Moon, I don’t know how long I’ve been in here. Or how long I will be in here. I don’t even know if time is running the same or differently from where you are. But I don’t care. Before this, I would’ve begged you to wait for me. No matter what. Because I did promise you that I would come back to you.

And I will keep that promise.

But now, instead of waiting for me, I need you to do something else. I need you to move on. I need you to ditch that ring, and I need you to go and find love in someone else. Because I’m not worth it anymore.

I’m not who you fell in love with, that guy, he’s dying down here. And I don’t know who I’m becoming to survive. But I don’t want to hurt you. And the best way for me to do that is to stop loving you.

But I don’t know if I can. So I’m begging you to move on. Go find the happiness that I know you deserve. Because that’s not going to be with me. I know that now more than ever.

I love you. I always will. But you can’t love me.

• Mutt

P.S. The situation is dire, the friend is a liar.