Ode to my love

I wrote this for a guy in my life, whom I love deeply, but couldn't express how I felt about the subject of sex and experience.This is very personal, but venerability is honorable & I wanted to share.

--Ode To My Love-- 

Written as a Voicemail:

Hi,
I’m calling to tell you, I’m sorry. 

For getting defensive when you tell me you want to have sex. With my body--Or maybe with me myself--I don’t know, 

You see, My body has already experienced sex. 

Already felt pain, already felt the rough love and skin of another, or a couple, on my skin.

So forgive me when I say I don’t look at you and instantly think about all the things I could do to you. And your body.
Yes, I am attracted to you and I want you to only be mine.
Yes, Ive has sex 3 times by an invitation only given to my body.
Yes, with 3 different guys whom I never loved, or cared about, or even friends, but never am I included to the sessions. Separation of body and self.

It happens... and then I don’t talk about it. A thoughtless description of what sex is. A heartless action which love had no invitation.

So yeah, my views on love have changed since I met you.

My view of sex changed when I was 10 by a older man teaching me how to shape and form my words to spit fire and fill any desire. Sexualize my ability to speak. Sexualizing this meat suit we call a body.
Making me feel the need to act older, talk more mature -Be inviting. Love shown to me was driven by lust and getting it done.
But my love for you has stayed consistent and driven by my lack of words when I hear your name, see you face, everlasting butterflies that apparently never die.
And I don’t know why.

So, When you say I give you feelings no one else can give, I relate in every way.
But... you still are a dagger in me. Maybe that’s part of love...
There are a lot of things I have done that are worth regretting but the one thing I do regret is not remembering the first time I showed you myself.

                   Not remembering my own venerability.

                                                                                Not remembering my own worth.
      Wasted.
                          Intoxicated.

Flashbacks of ‘I love you’s’ and more drowning my mind with alcohol as the last message I read, “I enjoyed you” rings in my head.

So forgive me when I get defensive when you say you want to have sex.
Forgive me when I say I WANT to have sex...It’s just a pattern I’ve drilled into myself, not realizing what I’ve said until it’s to late.
I try to take back the things I’ve said, done, but I can’t take back the past and my past is you.
I do love you. But I don’t want to have sex with you.

 Don’t want to fit you into my patterns, have you join the mascaraed; as I don’t want to wear a mask with you.

I enjoyed you. I enjoyed you. I enjoyed you.

As I am a feast and your took pleasure.
But so has many others. And I didn’t want you to get my 

                                                                                              scattered 

                                               pieces.

So forgive me when I say I don’t look at you and instantly think about all the things I could do to you. And your body. Sex has taken a very perverted toll on me,
Me saying I don’t want to have sex with you, is me saying I am madly in love with you.

I’ve had sex 3 times with 3 different guys, myself only allowed to come if I bring the feast, the show labeled as my body.
My heart is longing to be in the center of the party where I don’t feel the need to put on a mask�"But I’m not there yet.
And I’m tired of saying I’m sorry because I’m not. I just love you for you and need to be loved without my body being lead.
I just need you to honor that.

Author's Note

I wrote this for a guy in my life, whom I love deeply, but couldn't express how I felt about the subject of sex and experience.This is more on the personal level of things, but venerability is honorable,I think & I felt I could share. Maybe your experiencing the same or similar feelings! Not looking for critiquing just because it was a legit letter, but feel free to share your thoughts! I always want to hear how my writings have impacted people or how I can get a better approach! Thank you all!
-ERT

Reviews

[JayG]

Meaningful to you because you know the story attached to it. But for anyone else, it's someone they know nothing about talking TO someone who has not been introduced, about personal things for which the reader has no context. So as a story, it doesn't work because the reader has only a high level overview, and has not been made to live the events.

Instead of experiencing the story in real time, all the reader can do is say, "Awww...poor baby." But you want them to empathize, not sympathize. Right?

As poetry when we read, "So yeah, my views on love have changed since I met you." What can it mean to a reader who doesn't know how they changed, what they changed to, or what changed them? And, how poetically is the line expressed?

For you who knows the story behind it, it works. But your intent for how the reader SHOULD take the words doesn't make it to the page. So all the reader has is what the words suggest to them, based on what they've been told to any given point, and their experience and background.

In short, while it's meaningful to you, the words should act as a self-guided trail, and provide context for the reader as they move from beginning to end.

Not what you were hoping for, I know, but still, hang in there, and keep on writing.

Jay Greenstein
https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/

[Eleise Trenda]

Thank you! I totally agree. I know there is a lot of things I need to work on as a writer and my approach. Like I told the other reviewer, I am honored to have learned the lessons I have and be able to help other people through my experiences but never do I want people to read my work and feel sorry for me but to relate, and like you said, empathize with me instead of sympathize. If I'm writing a story its a bit easier for me to do that but with spoken word poetry I struggle more. Im not really sure how to tell the whole story behind it without writing a narrative... If you have any suggestions or tips to capture the story in a poem I would love to learn more!

[JayG]

Think about cause and effect. If you tell me cause, I will probably think of what In would do. When writing fiction and you tell me cause, and, how the protagonist perceives and reacts to that cause I may react as the character does. But if I know only effect, what can I do but say, "Uh-huh." ?

This article, on the effect of placing the reader into the viewpoint of the protagonist may help you understand why it matters.
https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/2011/09/22/the-grumpy-writing-coach-8/

My point is that instead of telling the reader what effected you so deeply, make them react to it, AS YOU. Empathy instead of sympathy.

Here's an article I often recommend for fiction writers. It shows a powerful way of placing the reader into the protagonist's viewpoint. It might not be ideal for poetry, but that kind of thing can help.
http://www.advancedfictionwriting.com/art/scene.php

Another method is to raise a question in the reader's mind with one line or paragraph, and then address it with the next, giving the feeling of being interactive with the author.

Vivid, evocative language, too helps.

And squeezing the fat out of the prose helps, too, Look at the line:

"I don’t look at you and instantly think about all the things I could do to you

• Why invert and say what's not done? There are an infinite number of things not done.

• Is there a difference between "Instantly think" and simply "think?" Is the difference big enough to slow the narrative by that extra word. Fewer words to say the same thing give greater impact.

• Why not replace "all the things" with "what?" With just a bit of squeezing and restating we have:

"The sight of you creates no urge to touch your body."

Isn't that pretty much what you were saying? If so, ten words in place of seventeen reads faster, with more impact.

Always look for simpler, more concise and expressive words. Seek words that inherently contain emotion. "The sight of you," is personal to the speaker. It's what s/he actively perceives. But "look at you" is passive, an external comment. You "see," which is the act of perceiving. But isn't look the precursor to seeing? Which would you rather know, that a character looks, or what the character sees? Isn't what's seen the thing that causes reaction?

So keep it personal and concise, and interesting, and emotion, not fact-based.

Entertain the reader by giving them an emotional experience, not an informational one. In short, show don't tell. Make them live, and care, not just know.

I hope this helps. Just hang in there. It never gets easier, but after a while we are confused on a higher level. And with luck, if every day you write just a little better, and live long enough...

[/]

i don't think your approach could be any better. communication is the key to understanding and your story is sad and needs to be told before you're with anyone. i'm sorry you had to be in such deplorable situations in your life

[Eleise Trenda]

Thank you. I mean people go through a lot in life, its not always easy, but I am honored to have learned the lessons I have and be able to help other people through my writings and music. I try not to live life with regrets but only use that to fuel my fire to do better and greater things.