Prologue

When I was six years old, I knew I had found the man of my dreams.

Okay. That's a slight exaggeration.

He was a boy, and he was six, too.

I met Chase Wentworth in kindergarten. He and my other childhood friend, Miles Henderson, would come over after school almost every day to eat cookies. My mom's scrapbooks were filled with pictures of the three of us   going to the pool together, playing in the tree house in our backyard, and   my personal favorite   me in between those two rascals with both of them kissing my chubby, little cheeks. I still have that photo.

Everyone joked that we were the "Three Musketeers." Miles, Chase, and I thought so, too. I loved playing cowboys with them, and they would play dress up with me (Chase was always reluctant, but Miles convinced him that pink was an "everybody color.") They'd play dolls with me, and I'd incorporate their action figures in our pretend games. They'd yell at kids who tried to bully me, and I'd beat up kids who tried to bully them.

It was a good time for the "Three Musketeers."

To me, after school was a blessing. Even when we had been split up repeatedly into different classes each year, we stuck together like peanut butter and jelly. Crust off, of course.

And then something changed in fifth grade. And I'm not talking about the wonderful thing called a period.  (Although, that pleasant little surprise dropped in on me like a bomb. I thought I was dying.)

No, something drastically changed.

My parents decided to get a divorce.

I cried for a whole week. Miles showed up everyday with macaroni and cheese just to make sure I ate something. It was the only think he knew how to make, and the first few times, his dad had to make sure he didn't put yellow crayon in to "make it taste better." He slept over a lot, too. He brought his superhero pajamas and nightlight to keep away any bad dreams and scary monsters.

But Chase…

Chase came over one day to try and pry me away from the tree house. Only I wasn't budging. I had somehow got it in my tiny brain that fleeing to the backyard is the same thing as running away. I refused to get down until my parents got back together.

So Chase did what my parents couldn't:

He climbed in there with me.

And then it happened.

Everything I had secretly hoped for since kindergarten was happening. Chase pulled me close to him and shushed me until I settled down. He said every word I wanted to hear, and every sentence from all of my princess books. How I was going to be okay, and that he would be my knight in shining armor.

He stroked my dark brown hair and told me sweet nothings. That we could run away together and live in the tree house forever. We would live off of pizza and ice cream, and we would never grow old. I guess he thought he was Peter Pan or something. Except he didn't wear tights. Or fly.

Then suddenly, he kissed me.

He kissed me hard.

It was a sloppy, tear-stained kiss.

And it was my first kiss.

So I punched him.

I punched him hard.

…While crying.

Yeah. Lame, I know. Not one of my finer moments. But come on. I was only eleven years old. I had no idea what I was doing.

And because of it, Chase left with a black eye and never came over again.

So I ate.

I ate away the divorce. I ate away losing Chase. I ate away my feelings. I ate until I couldn't eat anymore.

As a result, bullying in school got a lot worse. I gained weight and became an easy target for insults. Miles couldn't protect me by himself, and my fat a*s couldn't outrun fast, sugar-high pre-teens. And when the kids were done taunting and teasing me, I ate some more.

Then, finally, in sixth grade, mom hit me hard with the worst news of my prepubescent life:

We were going to move.

To Malibu.

I begged. I pleaded. I even got on the floor and threw a damn temper tantrum. I wanted to stay. I cried my hardest until I passed out from lack of oxygen.

But it did no good.

So I told Miles.

And he begged. And he pleaded. And while he didn't get on the floor and throw a temper tantrum, he did go outside and run around in circles a lot. He wanted me to stay"he really did. And while he didn't cry his hardest until he passed out from lack of oxygen, he did hug me tightly until I stopped crying.

But it did no good.

So I told Chase.

Even though I knew he probably wouldn't speak to me for punching him in the face year before.

Even though I knew he probably didn't have feelings for me anymore.

Except I didn't know. Not really. Because secretly, deep down inside, I was still waiting for my prince to come and save me. That he was going to save me. That, somehow, he could convince my parents that we belonged together. Forever. In that stupid little tree house in our back yard, living off of pizza and ice cream.

Only I didn't get the fairy tale ending I was hoping for.

I didn't even get a fairy tale farewell.

Because people can destroy your heart in the blink of an eye.

I know, because I watched them douse my own heart in oil and then light a match.

And when I thought they were done…

It burst into flames.

Author's Note

Please read and review. Let me know what you think of my work. Here are some suggested questions to assist you in your review:

1. Where is point of view clear and effective? Where do you need more information on the character's thoughts or feelings? Less information?
2. How can the author create a sense of tension or develop pacing? Think about places that might need to be cut or cut down to keep the "flow" of the piece.
3. Point out moments where there is telling instead of showing. Offer suggestions to create "showing."
4. After reading the chapter, what do you want to know more about? What parts hooked you as a reader?

Again, these are just suggestions. I would appreciate the feedback.

Thanks ever so much,
Eleanor A. Bennett

Reviews

[leenalettingitout]

I like this, and, as someone who struggled for many years with an eating disorder, I am definitely hooked already.
I do have one or two comments.

"I met Chase Wentworth in kindergarten. He and my other childhood friend, Miles Henderson, would come over after school almost every day to eat cookies. My mom's scrapbooks were filled with pictures of the three of us"going to the pool together, playing in the tree house in our backyard, and"my personal favorite"me in between those two rascals with both of them kissing my chubby, little cheeks. I still have that photo."

Your quote use is a bit confusing. Maybe try spacing it out:

My mom's scrapbooks were filled with pictures of the three of us "going to the pool together," "playing in the tree house in our backyard," and, my personal favorite, me "in between those two rascals with both of them kissing my chubby, little cheeks." I still have that photo.

I think that the relationship you have going with her and the boys is nice, I like it.

I don't think you need the parentheses around "although that pleasant little surprise dropped in on me like a bomb. I thought I was dying." If you're worried about it standing on its own as a sentence, you might wanna try saying something like "Although, that pleasant little surprise dropped down on me like a bomb a few years later. I thought I was dying."

I'm not sure if this was intentional, but I like how Miles showed up every day, yet Chase's reaction is the one that stuck. (I mean, as a reader until we find out that she punched him, think it's solely because he was being a sweet kid. I mean, until he gets hit, it was really quite cute.)


"He stroked my dark brown hair and told me sweet nothings. That we could run away together and live in the tree house forever. We would live off of pizza and ice cream, and we would never grow old. I guess he thought he was Peter Pan or something. Except he didn't wear tights. Or fly.

Then suddenly, he kissed me."
I think the "then suddenly" makes this a tad awkward. Maybe I'm just being picky (feel free to think so. I hope you don't think I'm being rude or anything.) I mean, to simply say "he kissed me" would be equally awkward. I think maybe you should put something in between, or add some sentiment to sort of ease it.


"He kissed me hard.

It was a sloppy, tear-stained kiss.

And it was my first kiss.

So I punched him.

I punched him hard.

…While crying.

Yeah. Lame, I know. Not one of my finer moments. But come on. I was only eleven years old. I had no idea what I was doing.

And because of it, Chase left with a black eye and never came over again."
This part is excellent, though. Completely excellent.

However, saying "So I ate" right after that has the same kind of awkwardness as "Then suddenly, he kissed me." Some phrase or something in between would easily fix that.


"As a result, bullying in school got a lot worse. I gained weight and became an easy target for insults. Miles couldn't protect me by himself, and my fat a*s couldn't outrun fast, sugar-high pre-teens. And when the kids were done taunting and teasing me, I ate some more."

I think "And when the kids were done taunting and teasing me, I ate some more" might need just a slight tweak. That paragraph is great, I think feel as though the "and" should be a "so," like "so when the kids were done..." That, or that sentence should be moved to its own line all on its own.


"Except I didn't know. Not really. Because secretly, deep down inside, I was still waiting for my prince to come and save me. That he was going to save me. That somehow, he could convince my parents that we belonged together. Forever. In that stupid little tree house in our back yard, living off of pizza and ice cream."

I think there's a continuity problem here. You go from "I was still waiting for my price to come and say me," which is fine, to "That he was going to save me." Something needs to change so the "that" isn't misplaced. Maybe rewrite as "I was still hoping that my price would come and save me. That somehow, he could convince my parents that we belonged together. Forever." Or just remove the "that" entirely in favor of something more continuous with that first sentence.

I like your ending lines. They make a good final statement. I"ll be eagerly waiting for more to be posted.

[Eleanor A. Bennett]

The quote usage in the first paragraph is from copying and pasting my story into the text box. That was a total typo that I'll correct immediately!

I'll delete the parenthesis on the period bit to see how it looks as a whole.

The effect of Miles vs. Chase was entirely planned. In the direction this story is going, it is important that the reader sees things through Victoria's eyes. The thing that stuck with her the most is the memory of Chase, not the memories of Miles. ^.^ Thanks for noticing!

The awkward transition for the kiss is also intentional. Just as it was sudden to Victoria, it was sudden to the reader. I wanted it to be read as awkwardly as possible and sort of jolting.

I like the "That, somehow..." you suggested. I will edit it and insert it to make it smoother.

I'm glad you enjoyed reading! I enjoyed your review!

[leenalettingitout]

I'm just glad you didn't think I was being picky and annoying :)

[Eleanor A. Bennett]

I figured out the quotation problem! They're dashes that didn't process properly into the text box.

[Eleanor A. Bennett]

And no, of course not. I'm on this website because I'm looking for different opinions. It helps having someone else read over my stuff so I know what to change and what to keep! So thank you!

[Eleanor A. Bennett]

Okay. I fixed the awkward random quote thingies and went through chapter one and combed through those too. I apologize if you find any more of them, so just let me know and I'll fix 'em. Thanks so much!

[leenalettingitout]

No problem. I'm doing a bit of editing of my own, but I will be glad to read chapter 1 tomorrow.

[Eleanor A. Bennett]

Same. Totally can't wait to read the rest of your stuff tomorrow...when I'm actually awake. Haha.