11: Sayonara

Without thinking, I just hugged her. I hugged her so tight.

It's been a very long time since I last saw her. I don't even remember her face anymore until now. Then tears, tears, tears. More tears went down my cheeks. I just really missed her. No one can blame me for being like this.

Since she's already in front of me, there's only one thing that I've always wanted to tell her. I have only one thing that I wanted her to know. Even if this is just an illusion, I don't really mind. As long as I can say those words to her since that night she died.

"Gramma..."

I gritted my teeth. Why... why is there no sound leaving my mouth at a time like this when I really needed it the most? Why?

Even those cries coming out that I feel, why can't I hear them?

"I'm sorry... I'm sorry." I tried speaking out again. I even tried screaming out those words at the top of my lungs but no sound came out while my face was buried in her shoulder.

Tch! Now I don't care if there's no sound coming out. I just want to tell her that I am sorry. That I am sorry I was the one who caused her death.

"I'm sorry."

Those were the words I've always wanted to tell her when she died. Those were the words I couldn't stop from coming out when I was at my grandmother's funeral. Those were the words I always say in front of her tombstone whenever I visit her. Those were the words I always say when I lock myself up in my room. Those were always the words I woke up to when I had crazy nightmares about her death and me being the killer.

I pulled back from that tight hug. And gramma was still smiling at me.

Why is she smiling? I know that she's angry at me. I caused her death. She must be so mad. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry." I just kept on trying to speak out those words again and again as I cried so hard in front of her. Her shoulders in my firm grasp, fingers digging into her shoulders because of the messed up feelings inside me. Were they frustration? Hurt? Desperation? I just don't know. All I want to hear is her forgiveness.

"I'm sorry, gramma! It was my fault."

"I'm very sorry! I wish you could forgive me!"

"I'm sorry, I'm really sorry for being selfish!"

"I'm so sorry..."

"Gramma..."

"I wish... I just died with you."

No voice was coming out but I still tried for a couple of times until I just felt tired, and fell down the wooden floor. No more tears were coming out. I just felt tired.

But then, I saw my gramma kneel down, and she just stared at me. I don't know what she was thinking. I can't read her if she was having pity on me or what. I just can't. She's unreadable.

Then, her smile went wider as she gently moved my chin up, making me look directly at her face. To those beautiful angelic blue eyes of hers.

"Be strong, dear Morisette. Do not ever let your weakness defeat you."

Those were her last words for me before she disappeared in just a blink of an eye.

And then, two strange things happened again.

First, I was not slumped on the floor anymore. I just found myself standing in a blink of an eye.

Second, the room began moving by itself. I feel like I am rotating, but the truth is, the room is actually the one that is rotating by itself.

I stumbled back, lips apart, and eyes open wide.

The room rotated fast that I cannot even see a single furniture clearly, but I wasn't even falling down or losing balance.

Once again, I gulped. And that was the time when the room finally stopped rotating by itself. And what came to my view, was a door. Nothing more than that. I was back in the light again. From where I was before, after that entrapment in the dark.

And suddenly, I just felt numb. Those awful feelings I had before, were no longer inside me.

And I wasn't floating anymore in here. I have my feet standing on something solid in this place filled with nothing but light.

I then started walking slowly for the door until I already had its knob in my grasp. Maybe, if I open this door I will be back to reality, right? Maybe if I open this door, I'll wake up from this dream.

But, wait... if I wake up, will I even be able to endure the pain of loss again? Will I be able to accept the cruel reality? I just felt them a while ago, and it seems like I won't.

In this place, there's only one thing I confirmed;

If you're in here, you'll just feel nothing but numbness. I think I do not have feelings anymore. And its better this way, at least I don't feel the pain.

But in the reality, will I still be numb and won't feel any feelings? I wish I can still be numb, but I think I won't. As soon as I get back, I'm sure the pain would just go rushing in me. Making my chest so tight, making it hard for me to breathe, making me so weak, making me go cry, wail like a baby, and blame myself again and again.
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And so... being that Morisette that was scared of her own reality, I stepped back and turned around, walking back towards that darkness where I couldn't feel anything but cold.

I was still in the light, and just one last step and I'll go back to that darkness once again. But I can just let myself fall, I wouldn't die anyway because I'll just float just like before. I then positioned myself, raising my arms sidewards. Then I turned around, facing that door that could bring me back to my reality, and my back facing the endless darkness.

...5

...4

...3

...2

So, with a grin on my face, I closed my eyes and I let myself fall.

This is the path I decided to live with for the rest of my life. I'm choosing this path so I won't feel the pain. So I won't feel the merciless pain in my chest anymore. I'd rather choose not to have feelings at all.

That's why I... am no longer going back to that cruel world I was born in.

I'm sorry again, gramma. It seems like I was already defeated by my weakness anyway.

Then I chuckled even if no sound is coming out, and mouthed something.

"Sa-yo-na-ra."