10: Last chance

What is this? Everything I see is black, no light, no sign of life. I think I was trapped in this nothingness for a long time already. Floating deeper and deeper into the darkness. But, for how long? An hour? A few minutes? What the hell is wrong with me?

And, I think I already felt this before. When was it? I just don't remember.

All I know right know is... my loved ones are gone. Mom, Robin. But how about Russel? Maybe he also didn't make it.

Does it mean I'm all left alone now? Does it mean I don't have anyone anymore?

What is this feeling? I feel like I am crying. Crying so hard. But I actually don't feel anything. Physically, that is. I don't feel tears rolling down my cheeks, I don't hear sobs coming out of my mouth. I can only feel it. Nothing more, nothing less.

I feel so lonely. I feel so weak. How could I ever regain back the Morisette I know, when the woman who gave me all the strength when this happened before, is already gone?

I tried looking to my left to look for something I would be able to see, but nothing changed. It was just the same. Can I even move my body? I tried to raise my right hand, eye-level, and tried to touch my face. If ever I could feel it, then it means I can. But it seems like I actually can't move my body. I didn't feel anything touching my face. I think my whole body was frozen like a statue while I just floated deeper and deeper into the darkness...

Longer, the time had gotten.

I started to think if I was just in a dream. My dream. A dream where you could only see nothing but empty darkness. An empty dream.

Oh, that's right. I know I've dreamt just the same thing before. All you see is black, and when you wake up, you don't remember even a tiny piece of your dream. You'll think you actually dreamt of something but you couldn't remember it anymore, but the truth is you didn't dream of anything but just being trapped in the darkness while you waited for sunshine to come and light everything up in your sight. Waking up, in short.

Longer and longer, the time had gotten.

Colder and colder, my body had gone.

More and more numb, my feelings become.

But still, nothing has changed.

Everything was still black, I still feel like a single feather floating in an endless darkness.

Wait, am I in Abyss?

I wanted to laugh at myself, but being in my situation, I can't. How silly of me. And it wasn't like I would actually laugh though, because I know I wouldn't be able to. In fact, I do not even know when I would be able to laugh a real laugh again.

I was still trapped in the darkness, for more minutes, hours, maybe even a day? All I know is, time can never be considered if your in the darkness. I think, even if you feel like you only spent days in the dark, when you wake up, the truth is that it was actually a whole month.

Maybe this is how it feels like if you're in a comatose. Time never considered, and you just wait for the light to come and save you from the shadows. Well, am I in a coma? But how? The only thing I remember is that when I... last saw their bodies, and that time everything I started to hear is muffled.

Or, was it that I actually passed out because of too much shock?

Shall I still wait and wait and wait until I see the light? Yes, I think so. When I wake up, I know I won't even remember a thing or two about this empty dream. I'll just know that I woke up from my sleep.

And so I waited again.

But then, finally I saw light, it was so far from me I think I wouldn't even be able to reach it. If ever I could move my hands and arms, I should've been stretching my arms towards it. But I just have to wait until it comes closer and closer to me.

Patience... I will need to have patience.

So, again, I just waited. Just gazing at the small blinding light that I see, getting closer and closer. I still feel cold, frozen, numb. But as I got closer to the light, I began feeling warmer. The light was getting bigger as it moved towards me.

Finally, I am already very close it. And the surroundings changed. Everything I see is now filled with white. I started feeling my body again, I can already move.

I looked down, and I was wearing the same clothes. The jacket, the boots and so on. And yes, I am floating. I'm not stepping on something. I then moved my hands to confirm that I can move my whole body in my own will, and yes. I can.

I then looked back over my shoulder. And I felt my eyes go wider as the endless darkness entered my sight. There, behind me, was the darkness filled with nothing. Empty, it is. I don't want to fall in that endless darkness ever again. Floating, just like a cold statue and as light as a feather.

I looked down, and turned my head to go back seeing light. I no longer want to stare down that darkness again. But when I turned back, from the space filled with nothing but light, the surroundings changed again.

And then, everything that came to my view... was that tavern.

That exact tavern where the explosion took place.

I then looked behind me again, half expecting to see the endless darkness for the second time, but no. There was the cliff, the cliff where I had the last memories of my grandmother. This is the exact place where we had that vacation.

I went back to the tavern, and I just stared at it. Observing it from top down to the bottom. It was a good day, that's why I could see it clearly.

I breathed out, blinking a few times as if trying to make sure if I was really seeing the tavern.

Even if I was hesitant, I took one step, but in a blink of an eye, I was already just meters away from the tavern. I was taken a back by surprise, I wasn't supposed to be this close when I only took one step. My brows furrowed, and I narrowed my eyes as I faced back to look for the spot where I last stood.

I breathed out again, this time I truly readied myself for anything. Another step, I took. And again, I was closer to the tavern. I was already standing on its porch. I pressed my lips in a tight line as I took one step again. This time, my face was already just inches away from the very old door of the tavern.

Inches.

I closed my eyes. Trying to calm the rushed beating of my heart. "Calm down, this isn't real." I whispered to myself, and opened my eyes.

A small gasp left my mouth when I opened them again, because I just found myself sitting on a ragged couch in a small living room. Just what the heck is happening? Am I teleporting? That's just silly, why would I? Such a thing doesn't exist in the reality. I then travelled my eyes around. Rotten walls of wood enclosed the area, there were two other one-sitter couches placed on both sides of the couch I'm sitting on, an old grayish coffee table that was placed in the middle, a fire place at the far middle side of the room, a body-length mirror at the far corner. Old shelves at the other corner, barely filled with books.

Everything was dusty, I even saw some cob-webs. Everything looked antique, and I find them all creepy. There were also paintings hanging against the walls, but I can't see their image because of the layers of dust covering them.

I gulped as I stood up from the couch, eyeing my surroundings if ever I would see something that could be threatening to me. I don't feel so good in my situation. Why am I even here in the first place? This is a dream. My dream, actually. I certainly wouldn't like to go back to the place that could bring the worst memories of my life.

But... I also find it strange. I find myself strange. Normally, I would feel so emotional when the memories goes back in my head. But I just didn't. I just really feel numb.

I slowly began walking, sounds of light footfalls on the wooden floor filled the room until I reached the middle, and in front of me was the fire place. A box of matches was placed on top of it, there were also some used ones beside it.

My brows furrowed. Were there other people living in this tavern? I know it exploded from the inside, of course it would end up completely destroyed. Or maybe someone renovated it?

But the thought crossed my mind. I almost forgot. This is just an illusion. Everything I see isn't real.

And then, I heard something.

Its a woman talking, but I couldn't make out what she was saying. They weren't clear, they were muffled that I think it came from outside this room. The woman just talked without me understanding the words, until I realized that that voice sounded familiar, making me be all tensed up and frozen on the spot.

Was that her?

Then the surroundings changed again.

This time, I'm facing a refrigerator. Not just any refrigerator, but our refrigerator that was so recognizable because of all the magnetic alphabet letters sticked to it.

"So, how was my homemade lasagna, huh? Bin-bin?"

I gasped.

That voice, and that nickname that was said. She was the only person I know who uses that.

I slowly turned around, fingers trembling and knees wanting to breakdown again.

I was in our kitchen, with Mom, Robin, and Russel.

"Mhhmm... it needs more improvement I guess." Robin said, while chewing the food in his mouth, eyeing my mom with a grin that obviously says he was only lying.

Mom stomped her foot and pouted at Robin who was also leaning on our dining table with a fork in his hand. "Really? I know you're just lying, Bin-bin!"

"No, I am not. And stop calling me that nickname." Robin answered back, and he was trying to bit back a laugh. My mom then narrowed her eyes at him, and snapped at my direction.

My eyes went bigger. I tried to speak, but it surprised me... because I just can't. No words are leaving my mouth. No sound. I was mute. I can't say anything. I then tried screaming, but still, there's no sound. I clapped my right hand to my lips.

Why can't I speak?

I tried to speak for a couple of times again, but only the same results came out.

And then, my eyes went back looking at my mother who was still in the last position I saw her, same with Robin and my stepbrother. Mom was still looking at my direction. But it obviously isn't that type when you are frozen because you're shocked.

She was just literally frozen. They were literally frozen.

But when I went back watching them again and stopped trying to find my voice, she began moving.

It felt like they paused when I wasn't paying attention to them, but when I payed attention, it seemed like... they played.

"Hey you," She pointed at my direction, she was talking to me. My mom was talking to me. And then with that, I can't help it but smile. I kind of felt happy, because for all I know, this isn't real, and that they... are already dead.

"Hey you, Russel." I then felt something pass through me. Leaving the smile on my face completely wiped out.

No. She wasn't talking to me.

No. I don't think they could even see me.

No. It wasn't just something. It was a body, and it just walked past through me like I am a ghost.

I bit my lip, clenching my fists as I just let myself watch them have a happy moment for the last time from this spot.

"Russ, your father is lying right?" Mom asked the Russel who was actually the one who just passed through me like I'm just nothing but air.

Robin seemed surprised when he saw his son going in the kitchen, and approaching the lasagna on the table that I assume was, of course, made by mom. "O-oi. Don't eat this, its just mine." He pulled the plate towards him. I smirked, he just wants to eat it all by himself.

Mom looked shocked for a second, but her expression immediately turned to something like she just passed the board exam and jabbed a finger at Robin's chest. "Ho..? You're lying, Robin. It's already obvious so just admit it."

Robin was just about to retort back, but Russel had cut him off when he pulled the plate back towards him. Stabbing the food three times with a fork, then putting it inside his mouth. Mom and Robin were just staring at him as he chewed and swallowed the food. "I'm hungry, I'll have this one." He said with his usual lazy tone as he pulled out a chair close to him and sat down, then he just continued eating the whole plate of lasagna all by himself.

"But that is mine!" Robin shouted, as if he was a child who just had his lollipop stolen by some bullies at a park. The scene was just so funny. My parents acting so lovey-dovey like they're still in their teenage years, and then the father and the son just kept on arguing over a plate of lasagna. I still remember those memories when we were all like this.

"I don't care."

"What?!"

"And you don't like it, right?"

"I just said it needs improvement!"

"It means the same thing."

"Ladara-dara!"

"What?"

"It means give back my lasagna!" And then Robin pulled the plate back to his side and started eating it quickly with the same fork Russel used.

Robin... used to be most childish one.

And with that, I chuckled. But that chuckle grew into something more, I let out a small laugh. I actually laughed while the scene repeated in my head again and again.

And when I finally stopped laughing, I just found myself being stared at by the three people who are dear to me blankly.

They were just staring at me. And I was starting to get kind of nervous at the moment. I thought they couldn't see me. But they can actually do right now.

For a whole minute, I think they didn't even do anything, they're just looking at me. Not moving. It feels like they were frozen with their eyes looking at me. I felt like I was only looking at a painting.

Again, I tried to speak. But no voice came out. I tried again, and again while I just stared back at those blank expressions of theirs.

But soon, I just gave up.

Well, they cannot hear me.

But they can see me right now and I'm sure of it.

So, I took one step towards them. And then another, and another, and another... until those blank faces changed into something more, they were smiling. At first I was taken a back by those warm smiles they are giving me, but without me even realizing it, I also smiled back at them.

And then, Russel, who was giving me that warm smile while still sitting on the chair, reached out his arm at me with his fist balled.

I stared down at his hand.

A fist bump?

Although I was confused by it, I just balled my right fist too and bumped it into his.

The surprising thing that happened next was; his body slowly turning into ashes and disappearing. I stumbled back, just watching him turn to ashes with a smile on his face and arm still stretched out to me.

And then in a blink of an eye, Robin was already the one in front of me. I then looked around. The surroundings also changed. I was back at the living room. We are in the living room of the tavern. Only me and Robin.

When I was done looking around, I finally faced him. He was just staring at me while we're standing in front of each other. When I made eye contact with him, he gave me that warm smile again. It was so genuine.

And then he slowly raised his hand above my head, and gently patted my hair.

A tear fell down my left eye.

He always does that to me.

Then, just like Russel, he also started turning to ashes. Disappearing.

Another tear left my eye as I closed my eyes and grabbed his hand above my head.

No. Don't turn to ashes, please.

But, a few seconds passed and I don't feel his hand anymore.

I opened my eyes again but more tears formed as my eyes went wider when I saw her in front me, also giving me that smile that was just the same as the others.

I know... I know that she will just disappear just like them. But why? This is my illusion, right? And I don't want them to disappear. I want to look at them for a very long time while I still can. So, why are they?

"Mom." I tried to voice out, but still, no sound left my mouth.

She then reached for my cheek, her soft hand so warm that I never want that hand to let go of me anymore. And then her other hand went to my other cheek too, she was now cupping my face, and I just felt more comfortable.

I realized there were more tears falling. And my mother looked hurt when she saw that, her eyes we're becoming teary too.

And then, she leaned closer to kiss me on my forehead. I savored the moment, this might be the last time I'm seeing her and feeling those warm kisses she gives on my forehead.

When she leaned back, my eyes went ten times wider as the tears just trailed down my cheeks, mouth hanging open.

She was no longer my mother anymore.

My grandmother was there... standing in front of me, hands holding my shoulders.

Smiling at me.