Pride

This is not written in a spirit of judgment or anger, but of observation.

What is it that would have you dead, have
you muscled down into submission, have the
nameless wanting more, wanting what can't be
given? What is it that would have you pulled
from your youth to drag you over the ruins,
to steal your laughter, to have you in the gullet
of the beast, wanting back, wanting to
breathe again? What is it that would have
your temperance waning, your fists raised to
the sun and Earth, to have you cheating, you
lying, you robbing and beating down your
brothers and your sisters? What is it that
would have you in your grave to prove to the
world you are who you say you are, and
nothing else matters?

 

What it is ... is
laughing in your voice, killing in your
name, ravaging the world, tainting the Earth
and the meaning of life, murdering the
children, with your fingerprints, your
identity, your spirit, and your mind.

Reviews

[M@]

It becomes crystaline clear, after reading this piece, that Milton may have been a great fan of yours.

I could be wrong on this point, but this poem, with it's questioning nature coupled with the significance of the title, puts an image of Lucifer questioning the worth of the feble beings that God holds so much respect for. I like the enjambment, in that if one was to pluck a singular line from the poem, it would still hold meaning.

I can get the sense of passion in this poem, which is what I like about it so much. I've seen and read "Who do you think you are?" type poems before, but the passion behind this one is what keeps a reader reading; it's incredibly apparent.

The most amazing image in this poem lies in the last stanza, more notably in the last few lines of it. It questions the inherent contradictions in the human condition that appears intentional. God loves his children, yet they taint all that's around them. Simultaneously, humans are capable of great feelings of love, joy, etc. that offsets this. This murdering, this tainting, of everything humans touch seems embedded within the human condition, and this piece raises questions about "solutions to the problem", if there is one.

Truly a remarkably written piece. If anything, I'd lose the ellipses, they don't do anything for the last stanza. But that is just my humble opinion.

[lilain]

This was intense but eloquently put. I've reread it several time because I love the flow, the message, and your ability to create visions of angry beasts and demons. But, within it all, you've rammed the end of a dagger into the bull's eye of pride - a mighty and powerful move.

Nicely penned!

Best,
lilain

[Dawn]

This really is a very good piece, i loved the descriptive flow of words.
After reading your bio, i would certainly like to read some of your stories, if you would put them up and notify me.

I havent yet noticed any clicks on here, but I am fairly new myself, I love being critisised and know it comes hard to a writer, who has put their soul into their work, but to become better at our craft we must be able to listen and learn.

Hope to see more of your work up soon.
Keep Writing.
Dawn

This is very good! I loved the style. Its not one I have seen a lot of. I thought what you wrote is powerful. The last few lines are increadable! Great poem!

[Rambling Prose]

This is a poignant piece of writing. I generally shy away from works when there is much repetition. BUT I didn't get that cumbersome feel reading through 'Pride'.

Nicely done...

[robin]

I love the development of it, making sure no one misses their description on the list. Reminds me of Rage Against the Machine "killing in the name of". All the top neocons should find themselves here. Sometimes I wonder if part of their coldness is that at the top one need not consider such wordly matters as right and wrong. This is an excellent example of useful rhetoric, not preachy, more like a soul warning. Glass houses anyone? Thanks for this one, excellent choice of substance.

[Sarah]

WOW, this was AMAZING. o= I loved it so much. The entire time I was reading it, I was like "Good lord this is wonderful" xD I loved the use of enjambment and the repetition of the questions to make everything flow so well. There's not even a set layout and yet it looks & reads so easily. Great job with this one!