Journal Entry 1

1/15/13

I guess I have to ask myself, why do I do the things I do? Why do I put myself into situations that I shouldn't be in? I guess the only thing that I can come up with is that I’m naive. I’m still inept in choosing the right decisions for myself. I've pondered on the thought of going back into the military. I enjoyed it sure, but, I believe that I may still need to build myself up to who I want to be. Just recently I was in an accident with a friend, and it was a stupid incident that shouldn't have happened. There was nothing I could do as I was literally staring death in the face; his pale blue eyes staring deep into my soul; measuring my worth as a man, as a human being. I’m not sure what to do now, but…the only thing that I can do is focus on tomorrow. I feel uneasy talking with my friend again. I still feel that it’s my fault. I should have been the more responsible one. I’m older for Christ sake. My friend said that they needed to reevaluate their life. Now I’m thinking that I should do the same to mine. I've got a past that I’m not quite sure how to deal with, I've thought about seeking a therapist who could help me dredge it up so that I can deal with it. I need to. I have no idea what went on that changed me so. I know that I can be better. I just…I think too much about it. I don’t know if I should do what I've been thinking about, or just wait it out. Why in the world do things happen this way? I've heard of people making blogs in order to share their feelings, but…I feel that mine are too personal to share. I need to come to terms with what I’m feeling, and with what I have to do. I have to be more responsible. I know that means sacrificing a lot, but…maybe what I've thought all along is the right thing. I know I’m not as sociable as others would think, but…when I’m around others; I’m always at a loss for words. I lock up; I fear that I may be mentally ill in some areas. I wish things were easier, but I know that they won’t ever be easier. Life would be pointless and unjust if things were easy. I've already learned that, but the biggest thing I need to understand is, why do I let that affect me? Why do I put myself under so much stress when things get all chaotic? I've decided that I’m going to contact my old pastor and ask to talk with him on a spiritual level. I believe that that will entail a better start. I need to become more confident with myself. I used to have so much confidence when I was little. I have no idea where it went, but…I’ll try to find it again. I’ll work and work and work, until I either die from exhaustion, or I do find it again. I don’t want to stay in this rut that I've been in, for I have been in a rut; an emotional rut. I've always thought that I was really sound and astute, but the biggest thing about me, is that I can’t share my feelings. It’s hard for me to express them. I always feel bad that I have emotions, not because I don’t want them, but I don’t know how to share them without hurting others. I was once told that someone will always get hurt, because everyone has opposing views, and that’s what I fear. I’m not perfect, I know that. I never strive to be perfect, I just…I strive to be a good person. I want to help people, but…I know that I can’t without helping myself first. And with that in mind, I have to get myself better; I have to heal my tragedies and my heart and mind. As I sit here and write these thoughts of mine down, I have to consider my choices. I can either continue to run away, or I can stand up, stand strong, and confront all of these issues. Whether I do them alone or not, I have to do it. I have to accept the consequences and learn from my past mistakes. I’m actually giving up drinking, and hopefully tobacco all together. I’m going to go to the health services clinic tomorrow at the university and ask them if they have a program that will help with that. I finally realize now, that most of the things that I do, are acted out because I’m depressed. Everyone goes through depression, but only a few try to deal with it on their own. Most people actually do seek help. I've tried to cope with my depression, but now I see that that’s not the choice that I need to go with. I need to actually seek professional help in dealing with this. I’m not going to take no for an answer, I need to fix myself. I need to talk with someone. Family is good, but…I need someone who can actually let me know if my problem is due to a mental illness or if I’m just depressed on a normal level. I know that I’m calm in almost all situations, but…that calmness can kill me. Everyone tells me that I’m a better man for being calm and not completely going off, but…I think that it makes me stupid, because more often than not, that calmness comes from me avoiding the situation in my mind or just rejecting it completely. I’m posting these journals so that people can better understand how I feel, why I think the way I do, and…well…hopefully to talk. I know that usually I’m good at listening, but I need to work on talking; opening up to others. I've been a closed book for a long while, only letting certain people take glimpses into the pages of my life that I feel are too private and…dark. I’ll keep up on these journal entries on a day to day basis, but for now, I’m only going to say this. I’m a sick individual. I need therapy, and I probably shouldn't talk with people, because I feel that every time I do, I infect them with my sickness.

Author's Note

These are just my thoughts, I would appreciate it if anyone who reads this would keep an open mind and not harass me about it. Thank you.