Eternal Waltz of Endless Fire

Head of security at one of the top nightclubs in New Mitos, we get a glimpse into the world of Naoki Onyx.

Everyone always gets that same look on their face when they realize I'm the head of security at the nightclub. Maybe it's because I'm a woman? Either way it doesn't matter. I'm good at what I do. I look at my watch. The iridescent numbers show 11:59PM. Almost time for The Witching Hour to open. That's the nightclub I've worked at since I became an official mage. It's a nice sized club in downtown New Mitos. Two floors, two bars on each, and a center stage for performers that can levitate. Transparent walls and neon lights give it that eerie vibe that puts you on edge but makes for a good night. Even so, it's your typical hangout for mages and those who want to have a good time. I lean out of the top window and see the usual large crowd waiting. I check my watch again. 12:00PM on the dot. I hit my telo, a little circle device attached to the collar of my suit. It was like your simple mic system, except with magecraft you could embed your voice into the minds of others with telo's. You could also isolate channels for certain people and who knows what else. 

I haven't really pushed the boundaries yet. I speak into the device, "It's show time people. Look alive and open the hell gates." Before I can even look down, the roar of the crowd hits me. I start to scan the incoming crowd. Looking for any obvious signs of disturbance. Two guards at the main entrance use top of the line tech to check everyone that comes in. But tech sometimes isn't accurate. Only had one mistake occur and that was while I was away. I jump the railing from the second floor and two circles cast around my feet. I hit the first floor softly and walk through the crowd. The smell of cologne and perfume mixing give off that signature sweet scent. I continue to walk and pass by the bar area. Both bars are completely packed. People are lined up yelling what drinks they want as the bartenders keep up with it all. One thing that makes our club special is we have actual people serving drinks. Not some automated machines. So much better to have that interaction. I get to the front door and look at everything around me. Seems like things are going as usual. I talk into my telo, "I have eyes on first floor, open floor two." More guards come from the top and I look up to inspect. People shuffle towards the stairs with their drinks in hand. My job is half way done.

The DJ takes the center stage. He is a pretty tall guy. Leaning over his equipment he reaches for a mic. His crazy multi colored dreads all over his face, he throws them back and his voice erupts from everywhere. "You guys ready for some crazy sound! I'm your executioner Vel Tone Max! Lets get it jumpin!." He throws his hands up and loud thumping beats shake the air. The stage levitates and people cheer and start to dance. The neon lights flash in rhythm with the music. The transparent walls catching every light and reflecting it back. Vel Tone Max dances around on the levitating stage as he mixes and cuts his music. This is The Witching Hour. Our signature. I take one last glance around and decided to sit in the lounge area. I pull out my transphone to send a message to the owner. These devices are so useful in loud areas. Everything is typed from my mind right into the full screen display. I text an "All is clear", and send it. I probably won't get an answer. My boss, the owner, is some big time voodoo queen. She's the master of hexes and curses, really old stuff that required actual worship. She told me she was attending some big elder gathering. Big wig crap. My telo sounds off and a voice enters my head, "A situation is brewing on the second floor. I need assistance." I quickly get up and respond, "Guards keep your posts. I'll handle this." 

I try my best to cut through the crowd of people. The pulse of the music vibrates my chest in a rhythmic pattern. The neon lights flash and turn. The combination would have made anyone else sober, sick, but I had been here long enough to get use to it. As I pass the levitating stage, the DJ switches to a bass heavy song and people cheer and jump. I try not to bump into people. I finally make it up the stairs. I step next to one of my guards and he points at a group of guys that look like pro wrestlers. One of them pushing the other and yells something I can't hear. The music beats harder. I roll my eyes at the guard next to me. Muscle heads. They never learn. I pat the guard on the shoulder and nod to him. Isolating my telo channel for him, "Keep people back. I don't want anyone else to get involved." I am a woman of normal stature. 5'6 in height and slim. My hair brown. Shaved close on the sides and left shoulder length long on top. I pull it back when I work. I'm not the best looking, but I make up for it in attitude and my magecraft. 

I start walking towards them, when I hear a whip and buzz. I duck but it is too late. Something grips my side and pulls. I lose my sight and I get the sensation of falling. I hit the ground. I quickly get up and cast two circles, one in each hand. I couldn't believe what I was seeing. Everywhere around me there was forests. The wind blows and I get the smell of fresh air. The silence kicks in instantly. The entire atmosphere changed. Where was the club? An old feeling starts to creep down my spine. The bitter cold grasp of fear. I uncast my right hand circle and reach for my telo but it is gone. Great. I search my pocket for my transphone and again, nothing. Now I am in the s***s.

The loud lumping of music, the bright lights that I am so familiar with. They have numbed me to the dark and quiet of this environment. I recast the circle in my right hand. The blazing symbols giving me light to see. I am definitely in danger. There is no way this isn't magic related. I get up from my crouched position and move forward slowly. I look around. Keeping my guard up while holding my concentration. From what I can make out, I am in an open field. The borders are lined with trees around all sides. It was a circle. The ground beneath my feet was soft as I stepped. New Mitos has had rain for awhile so I couldn't be too far from the city. I take another full look around to make sure there is no one and I uncast one circle. I look up and cast a circle of direction. An arrow appears in red mist and matches the stars. It starts to adjust and maneuver. This forest reminds me of my days of mage art. Learning how to rough it with no resources except magic. Looks like it paid off in the end. I hear the crack of a branch. I look in the direction the sound came from, but I don't see anything. The mist starts to become solid. I turn my gaze back to scan the tree line again. Something just doesn't feel right. With the circle still cast in my hand I take aim and move around. 

  Suddenly something rushes me from the side. I quickly dodge and blast a bolt of fire from the circle I left cast. It hits and whatever charged me howls and burns. I fire another just to make sure. My circle of direction fades since I lost concentration. I walk towards what I fired at and realize it is some type of big wolf creature. It's burnt body smoldering. I make out thick grey fur with a symbol of summoning carved into its skin. What is this doing out here? And where is the summoner? Looking closer, I see something sticking out of its under belly. I pull out my dagger and stab at the strange spot. Sparks fly and the wolves stomach area bulges and bursts open. I jump back. Looking closely, I watch as tubes and wiring that look like organs comes out with mounds of thick blood. What is this? Bio-organic? This is beyond magic. The smell was the worst part. An odor so pungent I almost fainted. I look around and I start to hear more movement. I resheath my dagger. One thing is for sure, wolves don't come alone. 

I let myself get distracted. I quickly touch the ground and cast a circle of awareness. The entire area lights up and my view is enhanced. I double back when another wolf comes rushing towards me. Before I can fire it pounces and I am pinned. I yell as I hold its head. The rotting smell of its breath hits my face in waves as it growls and snaps. Slime drips all over me. It continuous to snap at my head as I try to push it over. I feel overpowered. My back starts to sink into the mud as it pushes me across the ground. I look into the creatures blood red eyes. Its ravenous rage tries to overcome me. A wash of emotions come over me as I hold it's head back. Tears form in my eyes and my vision blurs. I blink them away. Fear stabs at me like a cold jagged blade. It's roars louder and its snapping becomes more ferocious the longer I hold it. I think fast. I cast a circle on my chest and yell, "Ventus!" A strong push of air blows the wolf off of me and I lose my breath. Before I can recover it pouches again.

My right hand slips reaching to push it back and it dives forward. I slide my head to the left as it misses it's bite.The slight shift in weight gives me an opening. I manage to get my knee up and with a loud huff, I push it off. As it rolls over to get back up, I reach back, and pull out my dagger. It rushes me again. I side step and wrap my arm around its neck and pull back. I yell and stab it viciously, kick it away from me and roll. I gain my composure and the wolf howls in pain and wreaths on the ground. It throws blood and mud in the air. The place where I stabbed it reveals more machine pieces. It struggles to lift its head. I get up and cast a circle and hit it with fire bolts. It howls louder and then drops. The fire overcoming it. 

Before I can catch my breath, another wolf jumps from my side. I throw myself back and slash the air. The slash travels and cuts it in half. Another comes and I do the same. Rolling around in the mud, I get to my feet as I hear more growls and movement coming from different directions. Forming circles around my legs to increase my movements, I retreat to the edge of the open field and brace myself against a tree. I check for wounds. Most of the blood on me isn't mine. So far I have just been lucky. It's been awhile since this much strain has been put on me. 

The wind gives a chilling gust that mimics the howl of the wolves. I start to tremble as I look down at my blood soaked hand holding the dagger. It was a gift. Embedded with magic. It cuts the air and anything in a good range. A smile creeps across my face, "And here I thought it would be useless." Feeling under control, I peek from behind the tree. There's no movement. I tuck back in and squat.

It's a good thing I learned that wind trick. If those other wolves had come any sooner, I would be dead. That thought lingers heavy on me. The sound of howls and roars comes from the field. Shaking off my fear I remind myself, "You are stronger than this. Now let's finish this." I roll from behind the tree to see three wolves running towards me. Moving in swift motions, I slash the air, spin, cast a gravity loop, slash again, and cast a circle above. The gravity loop pins the wolves to the ground. They howl and squirm. Blood and mechanical organs hanging from the slashes I sent at them. I put my hands up towards the circle above and yell, "To the end of time, reset!" A light shines around the edges. It burns brighter as I hold and morph it to my will. A pillar of blazing liquid erupts from the circle that engulfs the beasts. I reach out with an open palm and form a fist. Cages of the blazing hell form around them and pull. The force of the heat pushes against me as the smell of burning flesh reaches my nose. I see the wolves. Moving and rolling around. Flesh melting away to reveal robotic frames. Their roars of pain drowned out by endless fire.

I open my fist. The pillar and cage release, the liquid flames vanish. Things are quiet again. I stand there with my hands up and wait. Peering into the darkness, it feels like eternity goes by. The wind blows and I feel numb and empty. The smell of charred earth accompanying the fear in my heart. I see what is left of the wolves. Little mounds of ash and twisted molten metal. I break the circle, drop the dagger and fall to my knees. Exhaustion overcomes me. I haven't had to move like that in years. Breathing heavy, a pain strikes my side. I think I have a broken rib from that first tackle. The moonlight reflects off my dagger as I pick it up and holster it. It's a full one tonight. Ironic. I check my watch but it is broken. Should have guessed that. How did I get here? A gust of wind blows by and I hear a howl. I remember those blood red eyes and tears form in my eyes. I hold them back. I hit the ground with my fist and yell, "Get it together! You are still in danger. No time to cry!". Sitting down, I look myself over. I was dirty. A mix of mud and blood was all over my suit. Not to mention I smelled horrendous. Well, better take care of what I can. I close my eyes and put my hands together and form the sign. I cast a circle of healing and chant, "For I rest on the seventh day." I feel that familiar tingle of magic inside my body and I linger in limbo. 

I open my eyes and get up. Touching my side I felt no more pain, but this entire situation still had me shaken. Casting a circle of direction again, the mist forms an arrow. It points in the direction of New Mitos. I turn and start to walk. What those creatures are, it isn't right. Magic and technology should never blend so well. It's disgusting. 

I start to see the sun rise and remember. A man came to the club one night. A mage saying he was an Investigator. Told me if anything weird ever happened, to come find him. Ashbore or something similar to that. Maybe he had something to do with this. I make it over a hill and I see New Mitos shining in the sun light. It's buildings so tall they look like they touch heaven. Reflections forming shapes off of its shining metal. It's walls surrounded my lush gardens of every plant on earth. It was our Eden, but also our hell. Well, looks like I have more business to take care of. Who created these creatures? Why was I attacked? How did I get teleported out of the city? Nothing is ever easy for an Onyx, unfortunately. Plus, I am never up this early. 

Author's Note

Please review.

Reviews

[DiskartetHaraya]

Hi again.
Starting off with a positive comment, I just want to say that I find it nice how this short story stands out on its own despite the references to another one you wrote. If you ever decide to compile them into a novel, these standalone pieces of the same universe would still fit together, but certainly for now it already fares fairly in its genre.

What I think you can improve on is writing empathically. There were a few instances in this piece where the feelings described were inconsistent, or at least their transitions were rigid.

In particular, I mean the part where the MC got transported into the forest. (There were times when she was afraid but her thoughts came off confident and maybe more cocky than relieved.) Another was when she trembled then smirked at the knife. (It could have been the cold but the ambiguity is there, it comes off as inconsistent fear.)

In addition to consistency, the character's feelings and the story's mood also need to be felt by us readers.

I think an alternative to solution to this is reconsidering your choice of POV. If it was in third person, there would be less distraction of entering the MC's thoughts and you can still relay emotion via external descriptions.

Of course, if you need to reveal the MC's thoughts, the narrator could do that as well, but the point is, a POV shift will distance you from the world you know and bring you close to where the readers are.

[Final-Karma]

Again thank you so much. This is really good feedback. I am fairly new to the whole writing aspect but I love stories from the MC's point of view. I want to improve on writing that way as it does make the reader step into their mind. For the parts that you referenced, I was trying to portray the MC having insecurities but trying their hardest to save face in the midst of the situation. I can see how it came off as inconsistent. I will try to write more emphatically and see where things go. If not, a third person approach could be done. You have given me a lot to consider with what I am writing ahead. Thank you again!!

[C.J. Holmes]

I'm sorry...wizard night club?! How do you not already have millions of dollars for that concept alone?! Imagine the possibilities of such a unique setting and cast! Honestly, I would read a whole series about the employees and patrons of this night club.
Make sure you take time to slow down and enjoy the process of setting up and choreographing different scenes and interactions. The pace of this piece is breakneck, and there is so much information and exposition thrown in between the action sequences that it left my head spinning. Using more sensory language during moments of action can get your reader more quickly immersed in your story world, and a wider variety of sentence structures can help your writing seem more fluid. "Showing" is always more effective than "telling," and at the moment your writing features a whole lot of "telling." This is a skill that builds through practice, so just keep the "show, don't tell" mantra in mind as you continue to hone your craft. It will take a while, but we don't mind helping you find ways to keep growing as a writer!