Threw The Storm

I've learned threw out life that you can't expect everything to go smooth. Your going to have road blocks, speed bumps, detours, and ditches that you don't see until you're in them.

When i was 14 years old i went threw what i would call the biggest threash whole of my life. Not only did i find out that my father who meant everything to me had stage4 cancer, but i sat by his side everyday and watched him slowly slip away. What was i feeling.? Well there was a lot. To much that i was feeling. I was mad, hurt, confused, scared. The list could go on forever. How is a 14yo suppose to feel. He was suppose to be my superman. He was suppose to live forever.

I'll never forget watching him take his lst breath. It felt as if i went with him. My mind went blank and my emotions just shut down. I cried.. a lot. Then i was angry, then i was confused on why him, why didnt none of these doctors that we were giving hundreds of dollars to trying to help him. Why did he have to go. Then i feel like i just shut down. 

Because i didnt know who to talk to, or how to word how i was feeling or anything really. I went from this social bubbly person, to someone who didnt know how to start up a conversation with anyone. Frends, family, strangers. I felt like i put everyone in a weird position, because i had such high hopes that my dad would pull threw that he would make it to tell his stories.. Then he passed away July 26,2012. People tried to be there for me but it was like what do you say to someone who watched the man who gave them life and raised them to be who they are pass away. No one really knew how to comfort me and i dont blame them. I didnt know how to comfort myself.

I'm not going to make it sound like after i lost my dad that i was just some depressed teen. Far from it. Actually i was a very out going and sadly rebellous teen. I found the stength to start making new friends and work on relatioships with old ones. I pushed away my family because i felt betrayed by them. I took my anger out on my mother, sisters, brother, an almost everyone who loved me. I do look back in regret it, i cant apologize enough to them. I'm so thankful that they are understaning and they stood by me threw everything.

The only thing i regret is that, after losing my dad during my teen years when i was being rebellous and pushing away my friends and family i meet this guy.. an i was so numb emotionally that at that point anything that made me feel something i clung to. Turns out it wasnt the best choice i had ever made. I was 15 years old, he knew everything that i went threw with my dad and knew that i was alone that i had basically pushed everyone away from me. Or that thats how i felt at the time anyways. He told me he loved me and that i would always have him, he was always with me never let me be alone. Gave me the "we're gonna have a family and im going to take care of you speech".

I'm not going to act like i didnt fall for it. Bacause sadly i did. At first everything went well, i mean there was things here and there that pushed me back from him. But he made me feel like he was all i had. At 15 years old i found out i was pregnant with my now 4yo daughter. I was scared to death. i didnt know how to raise a kid i was a kid myself. If that didnt push my family and friends further from me i dont know what would have.

But thats when everything went down hill with him. He startd getting verbal, and physical. He would call me stupid, pathetic, tell me i was going to be a horrible mother, i was a waist of time and space. So far as to tell me that i should just die. i had surgery January 22, 2013 and every time we argued he told me he wished i would have died on the table. 

Why did i put up with that.? To be honest.. i thought he was all i had. I had to hide that side of him from people, i had to pretend i wasnt hurting emotionally. But thats when he really stepped it up and stated taking advantage of me. He started physically pushing me around. We got into arguents and he would walk by me and shove me into walls, dressers, slam doors on me, push me to the floor. There was a couple times he punched me in the head and once in the ribs. Yes most of it while i was pregnant.. 

But i kept making excuses for him. Once people started seeing the bruises and the red eyes from crying i really had to start with the excuses. I would tell people it wasn't his fault I got him mad I did this I did that. But all that did was push people away and show them that he had me wrapped around his finger. I'll never forget the time I told him that my mom was going to get me something to eat. And I ended up going with her, we are out and as we were pulling back up into the drive way he was standing there. I could already see he was mad about something. We got into a fight pretty bad. He ripped the neckless I wore off my neck, pushed me around threatened to take my unborn daughter from me. Accused me of getting dressed cause I was trying to "look good for other guys". After about three years I finally broke it off and completely cut ties with him. 

The best thing I've ever done. Then about a year and a half after I left him I meet this amazing guy who not only was there for me and took it slow and understood where I was coming from and helped me threw my pain. But also took my then 1yo daughter in as his. After three years of abuse it was really hard for me to open up to someone again. 

I pushed this man away for the longest but he just wasn't letting me go. He fell in love with me and my daughter and they formed an unbreakable bond. When we finally got together we were together for about six months to a year and then we got pregnant with my son. As you could imagine, I was so scared that everything would change. But it didn't. He stuck by my side threw thick and thin. He got into some legal trouble and ended up doing 3months in jail. I know it don't sound like a long time but it felt like forever. We called and had visits everyday. We were on and off after that for a year. But no matter what we've been threw he's always been there for me and I've always been there for him, he's not only been and amazing father to his son but he's taken in and raised my daughter as his. She doesn't know any other man as her father. 

 I'm so thankful for him and everything he's done. It's been almost 4years now and I'm pregnant with our daughter. So we have our 4yo daughter, 1yo son, and a little girl on the way. He's such an amazing father and I'm so thankful to have him in mine and my kids life. He's showed me I don't have to be scared. That I can love someone and be loved back. He showed me that I'm better then what I let my ex put me threw. He basically built me up and made me into the strong independent woman/mother I am today. He's changed my life for the best. And I could never thank him enough. We aren't together now but we are still very very close. We are a family. And family sticks together no matter what. I could tell you all the memories we've made or explain how hes built me into a strong and out going person. But that's for another chapter haha.

Author's Note

This chapter is just about some past experience I've been threw. And some of what made me who I am today. Hope you enjoy.