Fear........ That troublesome emotionA Story by EileenMarieFear controlled my life when I think back. I lived in fear almost every day of my life. As I child I was in fear of my mom and her mood swings, never knowing what I was walking into aFEAR: a concern about something that threatens to bring bad news or results
One of my best friends from colleges'
ex-husband committed suicide recently. I am so sad thinking that he ended
his life probably thinking he couldn't live anymore. Drugs are ultimately
what killed him. He was sober for years before falling back out into the
world that is somewhat familiar to me. Although I did not live in the
street drug world I did self medicate because of a failing marriage and the
fear of living in that marriage. The fear of leaving that marriage, the
fear of failing my children, the fear of ruining my life anymore than it was
already, the fear that I left, the fear that my relationships with my family
changed. The fear that I couldn't have a life I dreamed of, the fear that
no one saw me as a broken woman and the fear that others wanted to control
me.
Fear controlled my life, when I think back. I lived in fear almost every day of my life. As
I child I was in fear of my mom and her mood swings, never knowing what I was
walking into after school. Living by the rule if mom is happy everyone is
happy. All I really wanted was to be loved unconditionally but never felt
that from my mom. I don't blame her I believe with her mental illness she
was incapable of loving me unconditionally. I know my dad loved me
unconditionally and I did feel safe always with him around.
The fear kept creeping up in various
situations in my life. My first boyfriend stole almost $1000.00 out of my
mom’s purse when I was 13. I remember feeling so broken by it. My
body went into complete shock. I trusted him and he helped me during
difficult times with my mom because he saw her in action. I feared my
parents would never forgive me or him.
However, I still needed him for some reason and he came in and out of my
life for 12 years.
My next boyfriend, my first real
boyfriend was when I was 19 and he was controlling and abusive when he
drank. He hit me on 2 occasions always apologizing for his behavior and I
did believe him but it again put me in complete shock. I feared that I
wasn’t a good girlfriend that is why he got angry. He
died in a motorcycle accident shortly after we broke up but it still hurt so
bad and caused me to grieve for quite a long time. I think I got over his
death by telling myself over and over, everything happens for a reason, God has
a plan.
I finished up college but not before
getting attacked on the street in front of my apartment. That gave me a new
kind of fear; fear of people jumping me. I still fear people coming up
behind me.
I had a good 3 years after college
before another type of fear entered my life. At 26 years old my hair fell
out. I went completely bald and wore a wig for 1 1/2 years. I was
diagnosed with Alopecia Areata. I not only lost the hair on my head but
eyelashes and eyebrows and most of the hair on my body, although I didn't have
much body hair and what girl would complain about NOT having to shave her
legs? I believe stress and the fear of failing, not having a college
degree worthy job, was the cause. I was in constant fear of it not
coming back and how I would live my life with no hair.
I started dating my now ex-husband
shortly after I was wearing a wig. I believe my fears of living as a bald
woman and the fact I grew up in a dysfunctional home left me destined
to marry him. In the beginning I thought the fact he was smitten with me
was great. He seemed to be the strong silent type. He was always
blaming everyone for his bad situation but I fell for it hook, line, and
sinker. I believed he was a great guy that had a lot of bad luck.
What I found out during my marriage is that he wasn't the strong silent type
but rather a cocky jerk and controlling one at that.
As I watch my ex husband live through
our son with baseball, knowing our son is quieter and more reserved I fear
someday my ex will use it against him. I know our son will be a
great baseball player he is still growing into his talent. I will not let
fear interfere with my son succeeding in baseball. I know my ex-husband
enjoys watching our daughter because she is the aggressive athlete that he was,
that is what he likes to see. Aggression on the field shows talent to
him. I know my daughter will do well because she is a go getter.
My daughter doesn't have the fear on any field whether it is soccer,
lacrosse or softball.
I will not let fear rule their life as
it has ruled mine. I need to overcome FEAR and not let it overcome me,
anymore!
EileenMarie…………… Being Me. © 2012 EileenMarieAuthor's Note
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StatsAuthorEileenMarieMAAboutA little about me and my life....... My name is Eileen my middle name is Marie but my dad always called me EileenMarie so.... I am 55 and have 2 great kids. My son is 23 graduated college, living on h.. more..Writing
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