Dilemma of life

An outlet of thoughts

Life. Inhumane and brutal. Nothing seems to trigger any interests, with all the doors open there is absolutely nothing I want to do. No choices, no decisions can be made when nothing carries the slightest level of appeal compared to the sweet tranquillity of never ending rest. That’s where every train of thought always seems to end. At the sweet appeal of tranquility that is death. 

But death is a privilege earned, not given. In between my alcohol induced coma like states and times of complete paralysis whilst stricken with anxiety the thought is always there, the sweet tranquility of never ending rest. What am one to do in order to obtain this privilege of death? 

After fifteen years of unsuccessful therapy I can’t help but wonder which HIMOG state of mind people must be at in order to utter the fraise; Suicide is selfish, worst on the family, a coward move, etc. The insane level of narcissism hidden behind the statement that one persons sorrow of being close to a victim of suicide in any way can overwhelm the pain and frustration that was needed to bring someone to the point of ending their own life, is beyond me. 

I strongly believe there to be nothing selfish in the matter of a suicide, mostly because selflessness is the only reason I am still around to write this. At many a time, whilst choking on my own tears, unable to move due to the overwhelming fears of what the future might hold there has always been one constant in my life, one thing that has kept me going. The knowledge that my death won’t take away my pain, it will only move it along to someone else. Someone close to me, someone I care about, someone who deserves better. 

Stuck in this downward spiral of depression, anxiety and self harm I have often wondered which would be worse. Someone dear gone missing, or knowing for a fact that your someone dear was gone, never to come back. When living becomes a duty to others one can only hold on for so long. The aforementioned fifteen years of therapy have not given any results worth mentioning. With such a limited knowledge of the human mind, resulting in limited treatment options ones patience can only be stretched so far. 

It is in times like these I cannot understand why assisted suicide is not a human right. Where is the humanity in forcing someone to go on, fight the never ending battle of life only to be smashed down against rock bottom time and again. A life of constant fear, sorrow and pain is not a life worth living. 

I am surprised by the level of optimism in todays mental health sector. I have had a long relationship with this part of the health care sector, starting at the time of my first suicide attempt at age eight. With the addition of a year long stay at an institution a few years later due to a psychosis and more suicide attempts to follow at age eleven and sixteen I find it difficult to accept that a forty-five minute session a week will be the answer to my problems. To me this does not seem like a sincere attempt to help. I truly believe this therapy is given to lighten the conscience of my GP, so that when the inevitable day comes he can rest assured he tried to help. 

I feel like I have been brought to the end of a cliff. With the blindfold removed I am struck with a paralyzing fear due to my surroundings, my situation. Choking on my own tears I cannot scream for help. Anxiety disables my ability to move and the heavy fog that is depression makes it impossible to see a time or a place less horrible than this. Imprisoned by my own mind in a cell that is constantly getting smaller due to pressure from family and society I see no other escape. I must bravely summon my remaining strength, block out my mind and in a split second make my move. It is time to jump. 

Author's Note

Any critique or comments are greatly appreciated.

Reviews

[Nicholas Duboe]

Very well thought out and a fantastic post. I loved your description and style. Keep it up!!

[Effell]

Thank you so much! Appreciate you taking the time to read it.

[stephanycacas]

"The knowledge that my death won’t take away my pain, it will only move it along to someone else."
- this line is striking.,

your writing is bursting with so much emotions.
simply brilliant!

[Effell]

Thank you so much, I really appreciate it!