Seconds to this moment

time stood still for me it never froze unwillingly unmoving past is cruel dishonour for time is vulgar ritual -Dedicated to Raven

time is an incorrigible machine  

relentless designs in the making 

I've just got to know where I'm standing 

its unshakable but within 

I'm a very feeble thing 

brooding brooding 

get me out of this thing 

washed away by the coincidence 

opportunity that never makes sense 

eating into my existence 

rapid breathing was a ritual in the past 

rapid breathing was a ritual in the past 

it's just the edge of occurrence 

precincts of prevalence

up ahead is incidence constantly new rituals

every moment just tastes staler 

oh hear me it's the coming of disaster 

oh hold me it's the birth of a whole new order 

pray the wheels for mercy 

to grind on or pause 

it's a coffin of opportunity 

harness or mourn the loss

gritted teeth and clenched fists 

senses dire and a quick prayer 

waiting for the electrons in the wire 

rapid breathing was a ritual of the past 

Author's Note

this poem dawned on me seconds before I started writing it

Reviews

[MuSe Ampoule]

Interesting and intelligent piece you have here. It deserves to be read slowly to soak in all the meanings. What I get from this is a disdain for current "unconsciousness" by our kind but then fretting over what is to come. It makes you think...if it's so bad now what's on the horizon. "its a coffin of opportunity
gritted teeth and clenched fists"

I like the repetition of "rapid breathing was a ritual of the past". A ritual for what I wonder? An ecstatic expression...a way to tap into something greater to foresee what's coming?

Very thoughtful piece.

[Kathy Van Kurin]

Effoctor Prime,
Over and over this poem speaks We are so mortal." "Im a very feeble thing, brooding brooding." washed away by coincidence" "pray the wheels for mercy" and harness or mourn the loss" Within this is a sober message of our short time on this earth plane and what is coming next; just death or is our complexity an imprint of something greater?

[Namrata]

rapid breathing was a ritual of the past, its an intellectual one you got there.

[Sami Khalil]

"t's a coffin of opportunity
gritted teeth and clenched fists
senses dire and a quick prayer "

[Effector Prime]

:) yeh those lines.. the distant signals.. gracious bud

[Sami Khalil]

:)..........................

[Frieda P]

Not much left to say after Arzel's review, I enjoyed your rapid breathing, I'm out of breath myself now. Nicely pen'd.

[Blue]

Your poetry is amazing. Eff. You do wonders with the potency of your word choice. Wow. Just wow. Here are the lines that simply left me breathless:

"time is an incorrigible machine" -> What an excellent introduction! You snared my curiosity with this delight. "Incorrigible" is surely a genius word to describe time, my friend. (Hats off)

"washed away by the coincidence/opportunity that never makes sense" -> I like this one, too. 'Coincidence' may be an "opportunity that never makes sense" but it actually has a purpose. Like, when you meet a stranger. We think that it might have been a random event, a mere nothing. In the end, it turns out that 'that' stranger is meant to cross our path for a reason--a design of cosmos. But I like your poetic statement here.

"coffin of opportunity" -> Remarkable! I never thought an opportunity may be associated to a coffin so I am all the more impressed by the poet in you, mister. :)

The way I see it, you don't seem to be a fan of commas. ;) Pardon my boldness, but if I were given a chance to restructure this wonderful poem, I'd do it this way (corrections included):

"Time is an incorrigible machine,
relentless design in the making.
I've just got to know where I'm standing.
It's unshakable but within,
I'm a very feeble thing--
brooding...brooding...
Get me out of this thing!

Washed away by coincidence,
opportunity that never makes sense,
eating into my existence.

Rapid breathing was a ritual in the past.
Rapid breathing was a ritual in the past.

It's just the edge of the occurrence.
Every moment just tastes staler.

Oh, hear me! It's the coming of disaster.
Oh, hold me! It's the birth of a whole new order.

Pray the wheels for mercy
to grind on or pause;
it's a coffin of opportunity.

Gritted teeth and clenched fists,
senses dire and a quick prayer,
waiting for the electrons in the wire.

Rapid breathing was a ritual of the past."

---- Just one more stuff, in the lines "I'm a very feeble thing" and "Get me out of this thing!", you might want to have a more powerful substitute for the word 'thing'. I think it weakens the thought. Also, don't use the same substitute for the two lines.

Anyway, it's just a suggestion. That's my kind of style of structure because I think the appropriate division of thoughts into stanzas add to the drama. And the correct integration of punctuation marks guide the readers on how it's supposed to be read (or how it's supposed to sound in their minds). It's up to you.

I hope this helps. :)

[Blue]

Thanks for considering my suggestions, Eff. :) And you're welcome!

[Sami Khalil]

A splendid read and write...Thank you for penning...:)...........................

[*~*Butterfly Kisses*~*]

Interesting and stunningly intriguing. This is brilliant work, Effector. I admire your intelligence to write such a piece. Wonderful.

~anna rose