Tapes from the 90s

I must be the luckiest person on the Planet I believe for I enjoy the cornerstone of great unkempt mirth at the most unexpected moments, perpetually. It's a gift I believe that my brother brought with him into this World and gave it out to my family but no one else sadly seem to realise its potential and benefits except for me.

My brother, almost a month shy of a decade younger than me -was the sweetest little chap as a toddler. I don't want to go into his looks -which certainly gave him an unfair advantage; but he was made of Gold, so to speak, inside. His gaze was... just so beautiful to behold and it was fun to see him develop traits of his own and most of all the affection that he shone on all of us. Especially his endearment of Yours Truly. I still feel so hurt and despondent when I remember the times when I was responsible for his emotional hurt or being stricken with such grief that made his weep so sonorously that I well up to remember how he'd sobbed out of breath, prey to my stupid antics. Well I was about 11 or 12 so it wasn't insidious, just childish-poor decisions and spur of the moment but this virtue I wield of having a sharp long-term memory really has me on my knees for reflecting my emotions of then, relayed through my brain of now. It's merciless.

Some of the countless things I treasure are the ways in which he would express his hyper self when overjoyed and some of the other things I love most are how he'd complain or put a tantrum or revolt against me and my sister. Something that fascinates me to this day is how he and my sister had this connection that I found amusing, and often left out. I don't feel jealous but I wish me and my brother shared a kind of connection and alone time and understanding too but between us was mostly a power struggle that is so amusing to remember now and something that I feel was so unnecessary too and milk spilt.

I remember nearly all the words he managed to voice when all he was able to do was crawl on his belly. I remember how he must have discovered a particular phonetic variation of the monotonous open-mouthed invariably curled lip-sounds; when he stumbled upon the 'th' sound and to free his tongue from the palette discovered the 'tha' sound and how he would so charmingly repeat the fricative vocable till he runs out of breath and an enchantingly sweet smile over his e is no other way to put and eyes as he would lay face up, which his hands and fingers drawing circles and lines in the three dimensional screen before him; and connecting them, intersecting them...

I still call him all the different names that I put together to inadvertently, yes by oxymoron somehow, etch in him the identity; when barely he could even take his First steps.

He's 26 today, and a few inches above by tallest pose but there was a time when I used to hold him upended as he would giggle to no end. I remember testing his reaction to pain, on the small of his fingers; a cruel memory that pummels into me, and I remember testing his reaction to surprise when I had jumped him from a corner to which his little face and voice and body jerked in such momentary agony -but of course the gentle interactions between us outnumber all of anything I consider even the most adverse at the level of the twelve year old I was...

Maybe I was a loving brother after all and I'm too hard on myself but what sets me apart emotionally is I can't tame the tapes. But I remember pushing the little chap away when he'd so innocently near me gently, only because I was his brother... Why, Oh why... https://youtu.be/anbrb2u9GYI

So yes it will forever continue to remind me to recall those treasured moments forever. My rest of my family don't share my virtue of sharp memory unfortunately (or maybe they're keeping that part of themselves under wraps). No matter how different my brother turns out to be to the little bundle of joy (there is no other way to put his former state) he had been -he still is to me and will forever be but a cartload of joy now BAHA!

I know what I will choose to do as soon as I exit this body.