Truth be told I believe you have two completely separate poems here. Everything makes sense up until the line:
"Now I'm driving praying I crash"
At which point your rhyming methods fluctuate to rapidly and it switches into more of a free verse. In some cases this is acceptable, but in most its just a way to lose the reader. Put more focus on a changing verse then follow through with that scheme. For example:
"Why did you have to leave?
ask and ye shall receive,
etc. etc. etc. believe"
Well you get the idea, it's always better to flow your rhymes together in a more natural yet still symmetrical way.
Posted 10 Years Ago
2 of 2 people found this review constructive.
10 Years Ago
Other than that did you like it? And I have more works so enjoy!!!
10 Years Ago
I'm glad I am not the only one that felt that way.
Hmm, maybe it would be effective to leave off that line about the hearse. And maybe a little punctuation in the line before to give it a pause, like "No, I can't, I'll just drive off this bridge." Also, Michael has some good advice below about either using a consistent rhyme scheme or free verse throughout. I do suggest to divide this into stanzas at appropriate places. If it sounds good reading aloud, it will be good on the page. An interesting subject to begin with, which is important.
I like this one Jack!! I think it would be fine if you stopped at cold..but that's just my opinion. Your doing much better,, I give it a 10 :)
-maria rose
I agree with Terry Collett. Also, rhyming can be wonderful, but if not used uniformly, or if they don't quite match, it's very distracting. The suicidal impulse seems to be the best underlying drive here, with a broken relationship the excuse, and poor decisions, as well as a lack of future perspective adding tension. Peace.
Addiction is a horrible thing that can run lives and ruin them too. Yes, addicts will sell their souls for theor chosen poison.....very sad. Good expression of emotion and great imagery! Lydi**
I think this is great, the only thing i would work on is flow and matching syllables. when you read it through it should flow effortlessly and not get hung up on awkward pacing when there is a sudden line with a mismatched amount of syllables. it disrupts the flow and takes away from the power of your words. this is a great theme tho!
I tweaked the beginning a little bit (dont use this you btw, you can do way better if you take the time or just leave it the way it is) but i wanted to give you an example of how you can tweak the same words and concepts for a little bit of a better flow:
Drink down another glass
opportunities keep going past
Aspirations keep getting dashed
Thoughts moving too fast
Im drunk off my a*s
This binge wont pass
Keep on driving
and Pray I crash...
A good poem for the want of drinking. I was there for almost 20 years. I like your description. Drinking does end in dead-ends. Thank you for the excellent poetry.
Coyote
Truth be told I believe you have two completely separate poems here. Everything makes sense up until the line:
"Now I'm driving praying I crash"
At which point your rhyming methods fluctuate to rapidly and it switches into more of a free verse. In some cases this is acceptable, but in most its just a way to lose the reader. Put more focus on a changing verse then follow through with that scheme. For example:
"Why did you have to leave?
ask and ye shall receive,
etc. etc. etc. believe"
Well you get the idea, it's always better to flow your rhymes together in a more natural yet still symmetrical way.
Posted 10 Years Ago
2 of 2 people found this review constructive.
10 Years Ago
Other than that did you like it? And I have more works so enjoy!!!
10 Years Ago
I'm glad I am not the only one that felt that way.
Others on this site to check out -
Jennie Baron
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Eli Jarman
NoelHC
Maria Rose
Kasey Miriam
Ana B.
Black Rose
& There are more out there
My name is Jack Kennedy and I like t.. more..