Really Be (Drinking)

Really Be (Drinking)

A Poem by Jack Kennedy
"

Not my feelings just FICTION

"
Drinking down another glass
More opportunities pass
More aspirations dash
Thoughts moving fast
I thought this binge wouldn't last
Everyday I get drunk off my a*s
Now I'm driving praying I crash
Why did you have to leave?
All I ask for were the keys,
Keys to your heart
I've fallen for you from the start
Now you left me so cold
For you back I'd sell my soul
Swerving back and forth
How can I make myself feel worse
I might hit a person with no remorse
No, I can't I'll just drive off this bridge
Awaiting that fall and that last ride in the hearse

© 2014 Jack Kennedy


Author's Note

Jack Kennedy
Think I should add to it or take away that last hearse rhyme?

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Featured Review

Truth be told I believe you have two completely separate poems here. Everything makes sense up until the line:

"Now I'm driving praying I crash"

At which point your rhyming methods fluctuate to rapidly and it switches into more of a free verse. In some cases this is acceptable, but in most its just a way to lose the reader. Put more focus on a changing verse then follow through with that scheme. For example:

"Why did you have to leave?
ask and ye shall receive,
etc. etc. etc. believe"

Well you get the idea, it's always better to flow your rhymes together in a more natural yet still symmetrical way.

Posted 10 Years Ago


2 of 2 people found this review constructive.

Jack Kennedy

10 Years Ago

Other than that did you like it? And I have more works so enjoy!!!
Kasey Miriam

10 Years Ago

I'm glad I am not the only one that felt that way.



Reviews

Hmm, maybe it would be effective to leave off that line about the hearse. And maybe a little punctuation in the line before to give it a pause, like "No, I can't, I'll just drive off this bridge." Also, Michael has some good advice below about either using a consistent rhyme scheme or free verse throughout. I do suggest to divide this into stanzas at appropriate places. If it sounds good reading aloud, it will be good on the page. An interesting subject to begin with, which is important.

Posted 10 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Leave hearse ^ and this is wonderful it's such an intense piece with fine imagery. Keep up the great writing.

Posted 10 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Very nice how it is, good stuff man

Posted 10 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

I like this one Jack!! I think it would be fine if you stopped at cold..but that's just my opinion. Your doing much better,, I give it a 10 :)
-maria rose

Posted 10 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

I agree with Terry Collett. Also, rhyming can be wonderful, but if not used uniformly, or if they don't quite match, it's very distracting. The suicidal impulse seems to be the best underlying drive here, with a broken relationship the excuse, and poor decisions, as well as a lack of future perspective adding tension. Peace.

Posted 10 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Addiction is a horrible thing that can run lives and ruin them too. Yes, addicts will sell their souls for theor chosen poison.....very sad. Good expression of emotion and great imagery! Lydi**

Posted 10 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

I think this is great, the only thing i would work on is flow and matching syllables. when you read it through it should flow effortlessly and not get hung up on awkward pacing when there is a sudden line with a mismatched amount of syllables. it disrupts the flow and takes away from the power of your words. this is a great theme tho!

I tweaked the beginning a little bit (dont use this you btw, you can do way better if you take the time or just leave it the way it is) but i wanted to give you an example of how you can tweak the same words and concepts for a little bit of a better flow:

Drink down another glass
opportunities keep going past
Aspirations keep getting dashed
Thoughts moving too fast
Im drunk off my a*s
This binge wont pass
Keep on driving
and Pray I crash...


Posted 10 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

A good poem for the want of drinking. I was there for almost 20 years. I like your description. Drinking does end in dead-ends. Thank you for the excellent poetry.
Coyote

Posted 10 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

God poem and theme. However, I would drop the last 5 lines and end it on soul. It makes a good statement ending there. Only my opinion, Jack.

Posted 10 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Truth be told I believe you have two completely separate poems here. Everything makes sense up until the line:

"Now I'm driving praying I crash"

At which point your rhyming methods fluctuate to rapidly and it switches into more of a free verse. In some cases this is acceptable, but in most its just a way to lose the reader. Put more focus on a changing verse then follow through with that scheme. For example:

"Why did you have to leave?
ask and ye shall receive,
etc. etc. etc. believe"

Well you get the idea, it's always better to flow your rhymes together in a more natural yet still symmetrical way.

Posted 10 Years Ago


2 of 2 people found this review constructive.

Jack Kennedy

10 Years Ago

Other than that did you like it? And I have more works so enjoy!!!
Kasey Miriam

10 Years Ago

I'm glad I am not the only one that felt that way.

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14 Reviews
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Added on April 3, 2014
Last Updated on April 27, 2014

Author

Jack Kennedy
Jack Kennedy

Pell City, AL



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Others on this site to check out - Jennie Baron Gabby Nieves Eli Jarman NoelHC Maria Rose Kasey Miriam Ana B. Black Rose & There are more out there My name is Jack Kennedy and I like t.. more..

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