R A I N

An Ode to my favorite Weather

Coming down for everybody to feel
Cold wet air in the breeze
When you hit my skin everything's real
Don't you ever stop please

From the clouds in the sky you're so high
Are you god's tears from his very eyes
You're the rawest truth and never will lie
Turn it from the bluest to the greyest skies

Author's Note

It's either unfinished or something is missing I haven't decided yet.
RATE IT 1-10!!!

Reviews

[Ravyne Hawke]

I am quirky in that I do not care much for rhyming poetry. With that said, this one is not forced, the rhymes flow easily... a very good thing. I love how you've made rain the topic and described it and not the emotions rain usually denotes. Your rhymes also have a solid rhythm a nice ba da ba da ba da to them. Again, great marks for keeping that. I would say, a 8 out of 10. Only because I think we can always improve our own work after it has sat and stewed a while. Well done, Jack.

[Nicole]

I really loke it. I am not very good when it comes to rhymes, but you are REALLY good. I love how you described something that its inanimated and it made it seem as you where talking to someone rather than to something. Really beautiful.

[David Moreland]

I'm guessing this is an earlier piece; there is an innocence about it. An adorable innocence, really; especially having read some of your other pieces: I know what's in you, what you're capable of.

This piece is light, a breath of fresh air. Breezy, even maybe.

Writing is hard work!

[Jack Kennedy]

I wrote this one and The Smile in the same hour.
it was like 12 or 1 at night I was so proud of them but now I might fix the smile but I don't know how really

[David Moreland]

Haven't read "The Smile" yet. But this one can be improved by being a bit more brief. Aim to be emphatic. It's that kind of a piece. For example, the line: "You're the rawest truth and never will lie" reads better as: "You're the rawest truth; you never lie"

That little edit gives it an active voice. And of course, follow through with the rest of the piece. Often, writers is over-write. Editing edits it into form.

That's why I like poetry. Writing a play, a novel, there is room for many words. A poem, however, is painting pictures in the least words possible.

I think you have the emotion and the soul to write great writings. Your writing is not smoothed out and polished like it could be. One thing that helps me is... when I write something.. I then re-read it aloud.. I then find all the bumps and pauses that interfere with the flow. I have also at times spoke it into a recorder and then listened. I find the "too many words" and the "missing words".

Coming down for everybody to feel (coming down for more than just I to feel)
Cold wet air in the breeze (cold wet air in the very breeze)
When you hit my skin everything's real (as you hit my skin making everything real)
Don't you ever stop please (pleading am I, don't you ever stop please.)

From the clouds in the sky you're so high
Are you god's tears from his very eyes
You're the rawest truth and never will lie
Turn it from the bluest to the greyest skies
Just some suggestions on smoothing it out.. or how I would.. The emotion and sensory is there from you ..I only worked on the first stanza.. as this is your written voice..You asked me to read your work and I hope that in some small way I helped..

[kitty cat]

This is a great description of how rain makes me feel also!

[Britt Nicole]

Love! It's amazing! I'm a sucker for rhyming. And this is good, the words actually fit in it. It's not forced or anything.

[Coyote Poetry]

Good description of the rain. I like the rainy days. Best days for writing and thinking. Thank you for sharing the excellent poetry.
Coyote

[wordman]

nothing missing, rain is very real when it touches you it feels like nothing other
it gives you a special sensation

[Anita Singh]

I don't feel it is incomplete. Its something all can relate to. Enjoyed reading!

[Jack Kennedy]

Thanks!! I'm glad you said that.

[Mirra]

Most of the poems I've read usually associates rain for sorrow, anguish, pain and grief but I like how you just describe RAIN itself and nothing more.