Another Victim

Not scary just slightly gruemsome

It's pitch black in here

All I can see through this mask is her fears

I touch her so soft and sincere 

This job and your skin i revere

You beg and plead but you won't succeed 

I make a small incision and you start to bleed

The pain and agony on your face I can read

Nip and tuck but not for a big buck

I do this to collect another prize

In scalping and skinning I get a rise

Should I keep your face's skin or not I cannot decide

But those teeth I cannot deny

I rip them out as you beg in pain

Grab the hammer and bash In your brain

I knew since I was twelve I was mentally insane

I cut your head off and put it in my trophy case

Now your soul remains forever in this dark dank place

Author's Note

1-10 RATE IT!!!

Reviews

[Jennie Baron]

Okay, let's get some of the grammar punctuation things out of the way.
In line 3, as I understand it a comma after "but" is optional.
Definitely capitalize "I" in line 4. Again the comma after "skin" is optional.
In line 5 "beg" and "plead" are both present tense.
"I make a small incision and you start to bleed" and similar constructions are not run-on sentences. If they were two independent sentences not connected by a conjunction like "and," they would be. You may place a comma before the "and" for a pause, or take out the "and," in which case you have a run-on and the two sentences must be separated by a period.
You do also have a change in point of view that should be fixed, as pointed out below.
Those things said, I think you have a very interesting concept here that is extremely creepy, and that's what makes it good.

[Jack Kennedy]

I was trying to make the guy talking kind of sporadic so it could tell how crazy he is.
Thanks for the help on this I really needed it and do you think I captured the nonsensical thoughts of the narrator well?

[Jennie Baron]

Yes, I think you did, quite well.

[Decere Tiozon]

[I touch her so soft and sincere]

Comma after 'her.'

[This job and your skin i revere]

Comma after 'skin,' and capitalize I

[You beg and plead but you won't succeed]

'beg' and 'plead' are not in the same verb-tense.

[I make a small incision and you start to bleed]

Comma before 'and' so that it won't be a run-on

[Should I keep your face's skin or not I cannot decide]

Another run-on.

You started talked about her in a third person point of view. However, you continue on as if you're talking to her. Fix this.

This is very detailed. In the mind of psychopath? Yes, it's an awesome point of view. However, as stated before me, this poem doesn't go to the psychological aspects of the scene. The person is doing the actions, but I think the emotional aspects aren't there. What's going through his head while he's doing this? That's the whole point with a first person point of view of a murderer. You get into their criminal minds.

[David Moreland]

Wonderful ending: "Now your soul remains forever in this dark dank place"

Makes me wonder whose soul really ends up ... forever in this dark dank place

There is a definite misogynist attitude buried in there. A poet of this depth, who spends time dwelling in darkness, unless he comes up for breath, will find it challenging to maintain his balance

Reminds me of a play I saw some months ago. "The Pillowman." Of course being theater,"The Pillowman" carried it to its extreme; very skillfully, actually, and with superb performances

A century ago, this poem would have had you...I don't know, don't think you'll be collecting any prizes - but the rest of the poem quite describes what may have happened to you, and describes it so well. Wonderfully written, Jack

[Coyote Poetry]

A interesting poem. I like the set-up and the organized movement of torture being given. You create a dark place with a strong character. Thank you for the excellent poetry.
Coyote

[Brianna Brie]

Disturbingly written and enjoyed, but hey I am a fan of Robert Browning the poet. This definitely gets a 10 in the category of description and believable characters.

[Micheal Firth]

Although its a tad sporadic I feel like if you didn't, it wouldn't be the requiem of a madman. Insanity is a theme that can be hard to grasp from time to time because we often associate insanity with death, or the want for chaos. Definitely took the perspective of the torturer to a new level, but all I'm seeing are the revisiting of actions. Next time, give me how they really feel.

[Jack Kennedy]

I did write one based on this torturer but I'm keeping it in the vault until I HAVE to put it up... Thanks for the review

[CountNicholasAlti]

I do enjoy the overall theme and graphic energy, but this poem is lacking in meter, making it hard to find a proper flow, but this can be fixed with simple rewording. For instance, if you simply switched the line "Grab the hammer and bash your brain" it would flow much smoother. Also, A danger with internal rhymes is that it can cause the rhythm to pause and falter, so always be cautious when using that.

[Eli Jarman]

Another great writing jack

[Wynter Ignatius]

Another dark twist you have revealed here with purpose and style.

We all have a darkness inside no matter how much we don't want to admit it and you let it out in words rather then hold it inside.

A brave and bold move, but I say go with it.

[Tina Louise UK]

wow...gruesome indeed! Love it when a read makes me wince...brilliant! :) x