Twilight Spoof: Edward's Mental Problem

I made this last september and i just found it. note that Bella is telling the story and is a vampire.

It was Tuesday, September 23rd, 2008 at 2:31, 26 seconds and 62 milaseconds in the afternoon. All of us: Emmett, Rosalie, Alice, Jasper, Edward and I were ditching the rest of the school day. Then, Edward tripped on a step and fell to the ground. He laid there with a stupid look on his face. Emmett walked over and waved his hand in front of Edward's face.

 

Emmett: "Hellooooooo? Anyone there?"

 

Edward got up and for some reason, he looked like he was drunk or is recovering from being drunk and is now having a hangover.

 

Edward: (pointing at the sky) "Pretty Clouds!!!"

Alice: "He's starting to scare me....."

Emmett: "What should we do? Can we drug him!?"

Me: "NO! Wait. Carlisle just opened up a new office. We'll take Edward there."

Alice: "What office? Carlisle never told us!"

 

Alice stares off into space. I sighed and I picked up Edward and swung him over my back. I grabbed his hands so he was holding onto my neck and I let his legs dangle down.

 

Me: "Just follow me."

 

We started to run. I loved to run because the wind blows in your face when you run through the trees. Then, we were in front of an office door. The sign read:

 

                                Dr. Carlisle Cullen

                                      Psychologist

 

Emmett: "What the hell?!"

Me: (sighed) "Let's go."

 

Jasper opened the door for me even though I could of opened it myself. We walked to the front desk where Esme was talking on the phone. She hung up and, in a blink of an eye, was at the desk in front of us.

 

Esme: "Hey kids. How was school?"

Edward: "KID!? I'm 82 woman!"

Emmett: "Good actually. Anyway, Edward here has been acting very and I mean VERY stupid."

Edward: "Who's stupid? What? Where? Who?..... OMG! It's the mafia!..... I LUV CHEESECAKE!!!! XD"

Me: "Yeahhhhhh um..... we need to see Carlisle right away."

Esme: "Ok. He'll be here in 3...2....1...."

 

In the nick of time, Carlisle was right next to us. He actually looked like a psychologist. With the glasses, coat, and everything! It was scary! I think I'm going crazy now!

 

Carlisle: "Well, well. What do we have here?"

 

Emmett told him everything,again. Carlisle ohhed and ahhed in the right spots.

 

Carlisle: "All right. Come with me."

 

We sorta flew to the room. The room had mint green walls and had pictures of flowers around. I guess they were to calm the patient down. I also saw a nice comfy chair a doctor sits in and a long counch like seat for the patient. I let go of Edward and walked next to Alice. Edward was jibberish like he just had 2 pounds of coffie icecream or something.

 

Edward: "All right! Sweet!"

 

He ran to the long seat and laid down with hands across his chest, looking looking up.

 

Edward: "I got problems.... my kitty died..... I killed Bob..... even my wife..."

 

I growled. That better be a stupid remark, even though it was. I think I got temper issues... no... ANGER issues. I should be in that chair.

 

Carlisle: (sitting down) "Ok. Now I'm going to say something and you say the first thing that comes to mind. Ok?"

Edward: "Ookey Dokey!"

Carlisle: "Rat."

Edward: "Rat."

Carlisle: ".... Bear."

Edward: "Bear."

Carlisle: "You see the key is to say something else instead of what I say. Alright?"

Edward: "Ohhhhhhhhh! Ok!"

Carlisle: "Ready.... Potato"

Edward: "Potada."

Carlisle: "Tomato."

Edward: "Tomada."

 

Carlisle smacked himself in the head while I just shook my head in disbelief. They still continued doing all sorts of stuff like card arranging (that somehow Edward arranged them into a piano and fell on top of Carlisle) and others. 15 minutes have passed.

 

Carlisle: "Ok. Before I need to take some painkillers, let me examine you."

 

Carlisle got up and looked at Edward. Edward seemed to be enjoying this. I went behind Edward and, at the same time, Carlisle and I gasped. A huge ( and I mean HUGE ) bump was at the back of his head.

 

Me: "Ohhhhhhhhhhhh! So that's what happened. That was my fault."

All except me: "It was?"

Me: "Yeah funny story. It was during lunch when all of you were waiting outside for us. I punched him on the head because I SWEAR he was looking at another GIRL!"

 

I growled at the word "girl".

 

Emmett: "Well that's a nice story. Just punch the bump!"

Me: "Okay."

 

With as much force as I could, I punched the bump. I don't know why but it somehow vanished. Everyone started to huddle around us. Then, maybe like 5 seconds later, Edward came back to his senses.

 

Edward: "What happened.... and why does my head hurt?"

Me: "Long story. You-"

Edward: "Not right now love. Does anyone have painkillers around here?!"

Alice: "He's back."

Carlisle: "Wow. I really am good."

Rosalie: "Actually, you really didn't DO anything. Sorry Carlisle."

 

Carlisle blinked in disbelief.

 

Carlisle: "Well in that case... I QUIT!!!"

 

He took of his glasses and coat, threw them on the floor, and started out the door. All of us stared after Carlisle.

 

Edward: "......... What just happened?"

Me: ".... I don't know........."

 

     The End XD

 

 

 

Author's Note

hope u liked it!

Reviews

[Secondhand Tink]

Also i know it was meant to be written as a retelling but something i think u need to be more concise like when it says 'we sorta flew into the room' little touches like that need to sound more certain if u get what i mean more like 'we were in the room in an instant.' hope that helps :)) i liked this a lot! :)

[Secondhand Tink]

:)) I really liked this twas most fun to read! :))

[Call me Jane]

long coach thing is a Chase Lounge...XD haha very funny!!!

[Emmmaaa! ;D]

I didn't get that one bit. Of course, I've read Twilight, but that... not so much. A for effort.

[Alana]

that totally made my day right there. i am laughing so hard right now. HAHAHAHHAA i loved it. you should totally write more. haha it's funny cause i could so imagine that being acted out by rob and kristen and the others. hahahhaa great one :]

[Starting Over]

LOVED LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE FREAKING LOVED THIS! i needed a good laugh and honey this worked! This made my day! it was toally funny and great! "Its the mafia"