Upon the subject of writing fiction

Upon the subject of writing fiction.

By Edith Hat

 

   When I first began upon this website, I had visions of displaying my own writing.  ‘My Love Story.’  ‘My Poetry’.  ‘My biting political analysis’.  However, I have discovered, through both the reading of others and discussion with several writers, that I am indeed dreadful.

   I seek no false reassurance, nor entreaties to publish.  It is a bald fact that I am a dreadful writer of fiction.  While in my mind, I create unparalleled worlds of love, devotion, self-sacrifice and passion, in actuality the works read more akin to a knitting pattern.

   Having engaged upon a course of action however, it is not within my nature to disengage from the conflict.  My husband sees this as a strength.  Mine employee, a character flaw.  Obviously I chose to accredit my husband with more astute observation that my lackey.  Therefore I shall continue to practice the process until I achieve an item I deem suitable for publication here.  In betwixt times I shall continue with commentaries, partly to gain a degree of practice in typing for an audience, and partly to annoy mine employee.  The later a suitable rationale enough.

   I have come to notice, during my short time within this website, two notable areas of concentration.  Firstly that for every single talented writer, there are at least ten absolutely dreadful ones.  Some, I would go so far as to say sodomise the English language, whilst claiming a geographical distance from England sufficient reason to misspell a simple word such as ‘colour’.  Surely it cannot be that difficult for supposedly educated people to place an extra vowel into the correct position.

   I have great respect for several writers who have chosen to take risks with style, form and structure.  Things I cannot do myself.  Ladies and Gentlemen who choose not to follow the rules, rather set out to break them.  I have significantly less respect for the rest who seem either to be plagiarising other authors, or engage upon an on line copulation, through alleged erotic that frankly is about as stimulating as weak, milky tea.

    Yet, even the ‘Porno People’, as mine employee insists upon calling them, are able to construct a workable fiction that, be it good or bad, is better than mine own.  It would be delightful however if they refrained from trying to draw me into their little games.  If I want sex, my Husband is only too willing and able to oblige.  In addition, his touch is real, not imagined.

   I have fallen into discussion of late with mine employee.  A most appalling man, who, nevertheless, has some skill with words and story construction.  Putting it bluntly, a story requires some form of beginning, middle and end.  While artistic pretention may allow one to mix these three elements to a degree, they are considered good form.  My issue, it seems, appears to be in the construction of the middle section.  While able to establish a base line for the opening, and a final summation, the mid-section escapes me.   It seems a redundancy. 

   A man and woman meet upon a train.  They talk, and realise they have a lot in common.  They fall head over heels in love with each other.  A year later they marry.  A simple story.  Why should I be compelled to create a fiction where some sort of tension occurs to jeopardise their relationship?  Frankly the only friction I can ascertain may occur is what colour to paint the Hallway.  After all, that is what happened.  My husband and I have not had a single cross word in thirty six years, bar that on the breakfast table and whenever we try to agree upon a colour scheme.  Obviously, during that time, he has learned to defer to myself.

   Why does a relationship require friction to work?  If one reads the ‘work’ of XXXXXXX, one see’s nothing but friction.  A continual stream of foul mouthed aggression.  I feel comfortable in discussing his work as we have become friends of sorts, and he is well aware of my views upon his style.  A perfectly loathsome writer, but a tolerable person.  Where is the humour in the use of profanity?  Where is the humour in physical assault?  I despise slapstick in the cinema.  What is funny about being hit by a custard tart?  A waste of good food.  My Nanny would have been appalled.

   My Husband has not had a single cross word to say to me since I informed him of our engagement.  So again, I ask the question, ‘Why must Fiction rely upon Friction?’  Even Damnable Jane Austen allows it to slink in upon its belly.  Frankly I see more than enough friction in my day to day working life.  I do not require that I experience it upon a daily basis within my reading at home.

   Mine Employee does not agree.  Consequently I have sent him upon a nice little trip to Afghanistan.  The change of scenery will do him good, and teach him that I do not tolerate argument nor disagreement from people I employ solely for a certain skills base.  Not as an editor, nor reviewer.  Sometimes it is important to chastise those who work for you.

   Perhaps one would be better in writing straightforward reality pieces.  However restrictions prohibit.  Consequently one would consider work more in keeping with a social diarist. 

   However, one must have an open mind to all aspects of society to effectively comment upon it.  According to Mine Employee, during his last interview with myself, I am a ‘Closed Minded Xenophobic Harridan.’   He was somewhat taken aback that I viewed this as a compliment. 

   While I have considered poetry as an art form, I quickly dismissed it, having read a percentage of the quantity that exists upon here.  When encouraged to join this site, as a therapeutic measure against mine retirement, I mistakenly thought a wide cross section of writing styles would be evident.  However, poetry infests the place like scabies.  Of the poetry, one may break it down as follows.

Excellent, approximately 1%.

Good, approximately 9%

Tragic, approximately 25%

Masturbatory 65%

   As, at my best, I would fall into a miniscule percentage of the tragic percentile, of which My Husband referred to as excreta (a comment which has led to him spending the last week sleeping in the spare bedroom, with only a flatulent Siamese for companionship).  Therefore, poetry and I shall maintain a respectful distance from each other, and keep our brief dalliances to simple voyeurism of the one percentile.

    I therefore shall content myself with reading, commenting and perhaps attempting more of this form of, well, one could call it ‘commentary’.  Partly because it kills the loathsome hours that were once taken by work, but now endlessly drift ahead as spiteful retirement.  It also serves to irritate mine employee.  This is not an opportunity to be wasted.  Loathsome man that he is.

Reviews

[Cathy Wattam]

I take it Mrs Hat that you meant 'rationale' and not 'rational'? I would have thought with your credentials you could avoid the so-called spelling errors that seem to be so highly pertinent on this site.

Having said that, I feel your words are justified and I for one, would be happy to be on the receiving end of your critical eye.

[Mrs Edith Hat]

perfectly reasonable comment to a typing error. Thank you for pointing this out.

[TKBickel]

Just to say first, I am not a proper writer. I stumble all over the words but it is my world and I do love it.
Everyone else and take it or leave it.
It’s just like watching TV, if you don’t like what’s on…don’t complain, change the channel.

You, Mrs. Hat, have the makings of a great critical writer.
You are not shy with your opinions.
Have you thought about going the 'Dear Mrs. Hat' column route and help people with all your personal experiences?
;)

[Lover Of Words]

Very insiteful

[Mrs Edith Hat]

Thank you. I try to be frank

[Ken Simm.]

Mrs Hat. Thank you for posting on our site. I find the points you made in your erudite and timely homily quite pertinant. I can find nothing to take issue with here and your husband is obviously a person of great taste and refinement
As a lady of such catholic taste you seem to be quite the bon vivant, nay literary amazon. Your critical verve has quite a few jowls flapping and creative juices turning sour. This is not to say that I disagree, this is more to admit that I enjoy the dominant female in literature and sincely wish to read and absorb more of your pithy and well reasoned commentaries on the literary world and its foibles. More power to you dear Madame Hat and your brave crusade.

[Mrs Edith Hat]

Do not flirt with me Sir. Your views however are noted. I appreciate the time you took in reading my missive.

[emmajoy]

Mrs. Hat, not sure how your readers are supposed to judge this fine piece of writing. There's certainly a clever quirkiness in certain areas, ' My husband and I have not had a single cross word in thirty six years, bar that on the breakfast table and whenever we try to agree upon a colour scheme. Obviously, during that time, he has learned to defer to myself.' However there are also some salient points that really need some consideration eg, ' Putting it bluntly, a story requires some form of beginning, middle and end. While artistic pretention may allow one to mix these three elements to a degree, they are considered good form. My issue, it seems, appears to be in the construction of the middle section. While able to establish a base line for the opening, and a final summation, the mid-section escapes me. It seems a redundancy.' With all due respect I feel there's much you could teach your readers.

[Mrs Edith Hat]

Thank you for your comments Ms. Joy. Indeed there are salient points within my missive. That was the intent.

[Shelley Holt-Lowrey]

Mrs Hat... I am fighting the urge to type an expletive right between the words "well stated"! Fighting really hard. Somehow you inspire me to rise above my baser self. You make me want to be more. To be better. To be the writer I know lives within. In short my dear woman, you had me at hello. For you ... colour.... is not too difficult to type. I love you woman. Please .... more! Much, much more!

[Mrs Edith Hat]

Thank you for your comments MrsHolt- Lowery. As you are American I make an assumption that you will have little control over your capacity to spell, given your Education System.

[InsanityWriter]

Very interesting, but some people just spell color without the 'u' with no intention of laziness. It is just how they spell it. Different spellings for different people, and I believe that either one is acceptable. ^_^ Excellent write, I very much enjoyed reading it!

[Mrs Edith Hat]

Thank you for taking time to read my work.